- 2 days ago
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00:02Hi mummy. Hello darling. Kids, I'm home. Hi. Bye mum. Do I get a hug?
00:10So, how was the north? It was Birmingham. Oh dear. And it was. Is it weird to describe
00:17a trade show as magical? Yes. It's just such an exciting time. Interiors are really expanding
00:22at the moment. It feels like a problem for walls. And get this mummy, I'm now a brand
00:27ambassador. So this guy who designs these gorgeous sofas took business cards from a few elite
00:34tastemakers and he selected... What, like a prize draw? No, like a talent pool. And I was chosen to
00:40receive this gorgeous complimentary set. You want a sofa? No, I networked a sofa to boost
00:45all my socials. It's Kwikwo Pro. Anyway, how are the kids? Good as gold. Though, Maris kept
00:51calling me bra. Is he a sexist now? No, it's short for brother-mother. Brother-mother?
00:56It's just what the kids say now. Anyway, I'm a stash. I'm meeting a man for coffee.
01:03Oh. I've signed up to this very exclusive dating app and honestly I can't move for hot
01:07totty. Well, enjoy your coffee. It's not really coffee, darling. Yes, I know mummy.
01:14Kids, gang-gans going now. Oh, such a magical age. Morning. Morning.
01:25Or about, I need a hand. Drugs, quick as you can. Don't even argue. So when's the new one coming?
01:31Well, not for a few days but I need to vacuum and touch up some scuffs. Let's get the cushions
01:36off first.
01:37Okay. Right, what's this? Slimey...
01:40Oh my god! Is that a condom?
01:46No! I touch my face! That's my condom!
01:50Oh, not with the hairbrush!
01:54That was in your sofa. Amanda, that's foul.
01:58Who's is that? Could it be yours?
02:00No, Mal. I've been V's cell since Johannes. Voluntary celibate, just focusing on me and my needs.
02:06Alright, well, it must be someone's.
02:08Oh, no shit, Shergar. Who else in this house is sexually active?
02:13Darius, but I really want to get a ticket.
02:15Hey, I could ask that need to be fair.
02:17Everything can be bought online. There's got to be a website.
02:19I've checked on the website.
02:20We can look somewhere else. I can't wait to see you.
02:24Alright, we either need to move this or put it there.
02:29I think I'm going to have to speak to her, aren't I? And get...
02:31And to speak to Darius. Yeah.
02:34These things require a two-pronged approach.
02:37It's usually more of a one-pronged approach.
02:39Mal, this is serious.
02:41Well, there's 16 now. I think it's quite normal.
02:43So, have you had the chat with Ned then?
02:45Yeah, of course. Me and JJ divvied it up.
02:47I was communications with the opposite sex and JJ was contraceptives.
02:51Basically, I was tactics and JJ was the kit man.
02:54There you go.
02:55Okay.
02:56What time they come in and collect it?
02:58Who?
02:58I don't know. The council or whoever you booked it with.
03:01No one.
03:02Well, this is a very expensive sofa. Someone will take it.
03:05You can't just leave it in the streets. Why don't you stick it at a marketplace?
03:08Mal, I don't do Facebook because of my moral objections to Meta.
03:11It's a good job they don't own Instagram, isn't it?
03:14Gosh, isn't it?
03:19Yes, you can just see it.
03:20Yes, it is. It's very nice, yes.
03:22Yeah.
03:22And you won that.
03:23No, I networked it out because of my profile.
03:25Oh, and you just left the old one out on the pavement?
03:28It's second life is pending. Yeah.
03:30Sure. If I dump a sofa, it's fly tipping. And if you do it, you're part of the secular economy.
03:35Well, I'm giving someone local the chance to own a piece of Chiswick-quality furniture.
03:38It's actually very community-minded. Unless you want it for your homeless charity.
03:43Well, it's a food bank.
03:44You can't eat a sofa. So, no.
03:47Stick it in a van if you want. Take it down the tip.
03:50That sofa has survived one marriage and two toddlers, Mal. I think it deserves a better fate than the tip.
03:55All right.
03:55Honestly, I'll get snapped up any moment. You'll see.
03:59Bye. That was Stella. She's on her last leg.
04:02She's dying.
04:03No, of a journey from Hawaii. We've got her back for the weekend. Well, some of it, anyway.
04:08Oh, so nice.
04:09Yeah, I can't wait.
04:11We'll have a stroll by the river. Spot of lunch.
04:13I found this ace gastropub that's dog-friendly. Thank you, ChatGPC.
04:16Who's Chatty Petey?
04:17No, it's ChatGPT.
04:21It's AI.
04:22Oh, yes, yes, that.
04:24Yeah, I think the kids put it on my phone, but I don't really trust it.
04:27I mean, Chris always laughs at me for saying please and thank you to Alexa,
04:30but at least when the computers take over, they'll have me down as one of the good humans
04:34and they might spare me. From the first call, at least.
04:38I mainly just ask it about pubs. But you can ask it about anything.
04:42It's dead good for advice.
04:44Felicity, off the pitch.
04:46Oh, Mummy.
04:48Sorry I'm late. I met someone for coffee.
04:52Right, she's starting to put me off coffee.
04:53Don't be a prude. You should get on this app, darling.
04:56No.
04:56No, it's a rich seam of solvent men. There's loads of them. Look, what do you think of him?
05:03Maybe a touch old, but yeah, why not? I'm game.
05:08No, he's the one I'm seeing.
05:09That's Coffee Man.
05:10Five shots last night and a quick aero press this morning.
05:20Anne.
05:23Love's young dream really takes me back, you know.
05:26Me and Chris once kissed so hard when we were courting that I developed a pressure sore on my gum.
05:30Marvellous. I'm glad I got you alone, actually, Anne. I found an unwrapped condom in the house yesterday and, well,
05:38it's not mine.
05:39Obviously.
05:40Yes, thank you, Anne. My point is, if it's not mine.
05:47Oh, don't be ridiculous. They're only kids. Can you imagine getting down and dirty? It's 16.
05:56Oh God, they're at it, aren't they?
05:57I don't know, Anne, but I think we need to talk to them, make sure they're armed with all the
06:00facts.
06:02Chris is currently away in Vancouver, Canada.
06:04Right.
06:04This would have to happen when he's away in Vancouver, Canada.
06:07I know where Vancouver is, Anne.
06:08Yes, yes. I will talk to him.
06:10OK, yes.
06:15OK, let's go, Darius. Come on. Spaghetti hoops for tea.
06:23You see? I told you, you've opened the floodgates now.
06:26People see an abandoned city in the street. They think it's a dumping ground.
06:29Oh, you've finally been evicted.
06:31I'm trying to get rid of this old thing.
06:32He needs the sofa. They're nice.
06:34Thanks, yeah. Della's back tonight, so I'm making an effort.
06:38Flowers. Nice Merlot.
06:39New razor.
06:40And some plughole and blocker, because, you know, it's been a while.
06:44Sounds lovely.
06:45I mean, having Della back, not your...
06:47Well, I'm sure.
06:48Yeah, this is actually a decent sette.
06:50Yes, thank you. Yes, it is.
06:52Yes, see?
06:53People like it.
06:54Oh, no, Bobby.
06:55No, no, bad dog.
06:56Bad dog.
06:57That's horrid.
06:57I'm so sorry, Amanda.
06:58No one's going to want it now, are they?
06:59Excuse me?
07:00Yeah.
07:01So, is...
07:01Is that going begging?
07:03Yes.
07:05Yes, it is.
07:07Free to a good home.
07:09Amazing.
07:10Yeah.
07:14Oh, dear.
07:18Oh, I'm exhausted.
07:20Not an airport gift.
07:21Oh, it's so good to be home.
07:27That's a much bigger dog in real life.
07:30He's licking my skin.
07:32He loves his other mermaid.
07:33Okay, right.
07:34Cuff up.
07:34Oh.
07:34We had a deal.
07:36Here you go, mate.
07:37I mean, come on.
07:37It's not 1985.
07:39Oh, yeah.
07:40Okay, right.
07:41I'll see you guys later then, yeah?
07:42Where are you going?
07:43To buy drugs.
07:45To the cinema.
07:46Oh.
07:48Out all evening at the cinema.
07:52Oh.
07:55Oh.
07:56Oh, I know.
07:57There was a reason to fly 7,000 miles.
08:03Oh, I'm so sorry.
08:05I've been letting him sleep on the bed while you were away.
08:07Oh, just kick him out and shut the door.
08:10No, because if I do that, he'll scratch at it all night.
08:13Let me just, um, let me get him settled downstairs.
08:16And I'll be right back.
08:17Okay.
08:18Yeah.
08:20Georgie, sweetheart, could you have a little chat?
08:24It's just about you and Darius.
08:26Oh.
08:29Georgie?
08:31I was, like, 12.
08:32I don't think it did.
08:33I don't think it did.
08:34Oh, my God.
08:35Um, excuse me.
08:36Does this look like a youth club?
08:39Could you just move along, please?
08:41Is she serious?
08:42I hope you haven't scuffed my sofa.
08:45Come on, chew.
08:47Not you, Georgie.
08:52Oh, then, right, right, right, right.
08:59Right, Georgie.
09:02Good.
09:05I think we might need to have a little chat.
09:07Oh, God.
09:07Gangun's dead.
09:08No, why would you think?
09:09Then why are you being weird?
09:10I'm not being weird.
09:11Yes, you are.
09:11Is Manners adopted?
09:12No, what?
09:14Nothing, but why Manners?
09:15Oh, my God.
09:16I'm adopted.
09:17No, no one's adopted or dead.
09:21It's more of a personal, um, no, intimate.
09:27This is now officially the weirdest moment of my entire life.
09:29No, it isn't.
09:29Stop saying that.
09:30I'm actually being really cool about this.
09:33About what?
09:33I would tell your sweetheart if you gave me half a chance.
09:36Mum!
09:36I found your condom in the sofa.
09:40Okay, that isn't how I wanted to say that.
09:42Um, I'm not angry, okay?
09:45I think it's absolutely fantastic that you're using protection.
09:48Yeah.
09:48I'm not having sex.
09:51Are you sure?
09:52Of course I'm sure.
09:53Okay, yeah.
09:57And you would tell me if you...
09:58Oh, my God.
09:59Why are you being so weird?
10:00Georgie.
10:01Yes, fine.
10:01Whatever.
10:02Can we just leave it now, please?
10:04Oh, that was so weird.
10:06It wasn't weird.
10:07Yes, it was.
10:12But it wasn't your condom then?
10:13Hmm.
10:23Please know who company.
10:24Ah.
10:30Oh, man.
10:32Oh, man.
10:54Are you awake, Judgey Beatty?
10:56Yes, I am here and ready to help.
10:58Okay, good.
11:01Hi, it's me, Anne.
11:03First time user.
11:04And I'd just like to know the best way to talk to my teenage son about sex, please.
11:11Great question.
11:12Don't make the talk into a major event.
11:14Instead, maybe try smaller, more open conversations.
11:19Right, yes.
11:21And where would be the best place for these conversations to take place?
11:24Why not have the conversation whilst driving?
11:27It can feel more organic and avoids eye contact,
11:30making it easier to discuss intimate topics.
11:34Yes, makes sense.
11:36Yeah.
11:38Good.
11:39That's a weight off my mind.
11:46Are you still there?
11:47Yes, Anne.
11:49Thank you, Judgey Beatty.
11:50I hope you sleep well, Anne.
11:52I will.
11:54Good night.
11:55Get your 40 winks.
11:56Yes.
11:58Night.
12:02Chet, GPT.
12:03What's it like in Vancouver, Canada?
12:05That's a great question, Anne.
12:17Apology, please.
12:18Sorry, Amanda.
12:19No, you say what for?
12:21Well, experience has taught me it's easy just to say.
12:24Well, you were wrong.
12:25Someone has taken that cherished sofa and given it a lovely new home.
12:30Alright, still leaves half a steptoe's living room, but, um...
12:32It's such a sourpuss.
12:34Is this your shit?
12:35No.
12:36Disgusting, isn't it?
12:37Really brings down the area.
12:40Honestly, some people...
12:45Oh, hold the door, please.
12:46Oh, Mummy.
12:48Just picking up my charger.
12:49Anything else you didn't pick up?
12:51Um, well, maybe my hairbrush.
12:54No, Mummy.
12:55I mean, did you and Coffee Man have sex on my sofa the other night?
12:59Well, the kids were asleep, so we thought, why not?
13:01Because it's my sofa!
13:03Well, we didn't think you'd find out.
13:05How did you find out?
13:06Because I found your condom.
13:08No, you didn't.
13:09Mummy, I can assure you...
13:11I don't use condoms.
13:13What?
13:14Oh, my God.
13:15Mummy, you should be using condoms.
13:17This is about your sexual health.
13:19Just because you're too old to get pregnant, there's still...
13:21I'm not too old to get pregnant.
13:22You're too old to get pregnant.
13:24No, I am not.
13:26How dare...
13:28Listen, that is not the issue.
13:30The issue is, Mummy, you're putting your health at risk.
13:32You could catch an STI.
13:34Oh, look, I don't have to listen to this.
13:36I'm not going to take sex advice from my own daughter.
13:40Honestly, I was having sex before you were even born.
13:43Of course you were.
13:44That's how it works.
13:52So, uh, how is everything with Georgie?
13:57Or just, uh, in general with Georgie?
14:02It's, uh, yeah, fine.
14:04Right, okay, yes.
14:07Oh, God.
14:09Did you see that there?
14:10That BMW just tried to, uh, slide into the hatched area.
14:14And I wasn't comfortable with letting him into my hatched area.
14:20Um, and that's my right.
14:21Because it's very important to respect the hatched area.
14:27Yeah, that just pours out.
14:28Yeah, well, that method doesn't always work.
14:35Oh, God.
14:37Here, would you look?
14:38Back wiper is stuck there.
14:40I'll just be, I'll be back in a second.
15:01Okay.
15:03Okay.
15:07So, everything going well with Georgie?
15:09Yes, I said.
15:12You know, that kind of reminds me of, um, an experience that I had that was quite similar
15:18to your own current situation.
15:20It was when I first started dating your father.
15:22Now, we both started to develop these urges.
15:26Um, all completely natural, of course, but a very raw, almost, um, primal craving to explore
15:34more physicals.
15:35Jesus!
15:38There he is!
15:40There he is!
15:42Rise and shine, sleepyhead.
15:45So, I thought that we could take Bobby for a walk along the canal before football.
15:49We might run into Stephen and Chris.
15:50Bobby loves Chris, so he's up his mum a lot.
15:53Please tell me Chris is a dog.
15:54Yeah, I mean, he's schnauz, and Stephen is a Maltipoo.
15:57What?
15:58He's always shitting?
15:59No, he's a Maltese terrier crossed with a poodle.
16:02Okay, so we have the Crofts option, or, hear me out here, we forget about the dog and
16:08we lie in the bed till even our teenager notices we're missing.
16:11Thing is, if you forget about a big dog, they tend to do things like crap in the house.
16:18Morten!
16:18What?
16:19Can you walk the dog?
16:20No, he pulled me over outside of Vantablack the other day, and Jake Phillips saw, so I'm
16:24not doing it, you can.
16:25What's Vantablack?
16:26Who's Jake Phillips?
16:27How long have I been away?
16:28Bloody ages, which is why we're having a nice romantic day together, which starts with a
16:33walk along the canal, and a coffee.
16:35Fiona, I love you, but I literally travelled for all of yesterday, and until that clock says
16:4110pm, me and the sped are a single organism.
16:46Okay, I guess that's me walking Bobby, then.
16:49Grab me a latte.
16:55It wasn't us.
16:57The condom.
16:58He talked to Georgie.
16:59Yep.
17:00Yep.
17:01He had a real heart-to-heart.
17:02Oh, thank goodness.
17:04Larius ran a mile when I tried it.
17:06An actual mile, with quite a bruised thigh.
17:10Oh, a flat white whole milk and an espresso, please.
17:13I guess that's the difference with daughters.
17:15You can just talk about these things.
17:17Yeah, Georgie and I tell each other everything.
17:19We're more like best friends.
17:20So, yeah.
17:22We talked, and cried, then laughed, and just hugged it out.
17:29And it wasn't weird at all.
17:33Yeah.
17:33And they're definitely not.
17:34No.
17:35No, they've yet to enter that phase of their relationship.
17:37Great.
17:37So, I don't have to have the chat with Darius.
17:41Of course you do, Anne.
17:42They may not have done it yet, but it's only a matter of time.
17:52Hi.
17:54It's Anne again.
17:55My sex chat with my son didn't exactly go very well.
17:59What else could I try, please?
18:01Try looking for a natural moment to engage with your teen.
18:04Like starting a conversation based on a TV show you've both seen.
18:07Or perhaps a book.
18:08Sorry, what's the Danish?
18:09The Danish are an ethnic group.
18:11Oh, no, no, sorry.
18:12Not too much.
18:12Quality of life.
18:16It's interesting that you didn't know anything at all.
18:19Oh, yeah.
18:20Oh, yeah.
18:25You okay, Mommy?
18:27Yeah.
18:28Yeah, I'm fine.
18:28Just because you look a bit uncomfortable.
18:30That's this.
18:31Because you know unsafe sex leads to STIs.
18:34It's not an STI.
18:36Okay.
18:37And I'll thank you not to make my sexual health the subject of baseless tittle-tattle.
18:41If I need medical advice, I'll call a doctor.
18:43Good.
18:44Please do.
18:44And he will doubtless reassure me that the only irritation I need to address is five foot
18:48seven with blonde hair.
18:50Five foot eight.
18:51So, whose Robert Johnny was it, then?
18:54I don't know.
18:55So, literally, a whodunit.
18:58Shagatha Christie.
18:59Yes.
18:59Thank you, Fee.
19:00It's not that funny, Mommy.
19:02So, darling, who's next on the list?
19:11Yeah?
19:13Hey, bra.
19:15Sweetheart, let's put that away, please.
19:19So, I was thinking maybe we could have a little chat about something.
19:22What's happened?
19:22Is gang-gan dead?
19:23No.
19:24Why would it be that?
19:25She drinks a lot of gin.
19:28Would you like me to speak to her about that?
19:30It's okay.
19:30I'll just start serving her single measures.
19:31Sorry.
19:32Does she have you make...
19:33Okay.
19:34Sweetheart, there's something I need to ask you.
19:36And this is going to sound ridiculous, but I just had to check, okay?
19:39I found a condom.
19:40Oh, God.
19:41Oh, God.
19:42Are you saying that it was...
19:46I think I'm going to be sick.
19:48It wasn't my fault.
19:49They made me do it.
19:49Wait, what?
19:50They?
19:51Ben nicked it off his brother.
19:52We just wanted to see what it looked like.
19:53Mason blew it up.
19:54We were just messing around.
19:55Oh, my God.
19:56Thank God.
19:57Yeah?
19:57Yes.
19:58That's okay.
19:59That's just fine, my darling.
20:01Oh.
20:02Oh.
20:03My sweet boy.
20:05Listen.
20:06It's completely natural to be curious about these kind of things.
20:10Well, good to have that little mystery solved.
20:13Maybe you don't leave things like that lying around on the sofa.
20:16I flushed it down the toilet.
20:22Mandy Hughes?
20:23Yes.
20:24What's this?
20:25Fixed penalty notice.
20:26For fly tipping.
20:28Oh, no, no.
20:28None of that's mine.
20:29Yeah, yeah.
20:29That might not be, but there's a sofa in the park that we believe is yours.
20:33In the park?
20:34Yeah.
20:34Probably local kids took it there or drug users.
20:37But since you left it outside...
20:39What makes you think it was me?
20:42Doorbell.
20:42I'm over the road.
20:44Pretty conclusive, eh?
20:45Did they report me?
20:46Reports are anonymous.
20:48Well, it's clearly their doorbell.
20:50Reports are anonymous.
20:57£400.
20:58I can't afford £400.
21:00Then I'd get it shifted pronto.
21:02Because it's going to be £200 more if we have to put it in the bank.
21:06Have a good day.
21:07All right, boss?
21:09Yeah?
21:10All right.
21:16Come on, Bonnie.
21:17Hiya.
21:18In here.
21:20What's going on?
21:22Got your best clubber on.
21:24I'm taking you for lunch at Miller and Fife for the best seafood of your life if you weren't married
21:30to me.
21:31I've booked the Talbot on the river.
21:33Oh, we can go to the pub any day.
21:34What about Bobby?
21:35Well, can't we get what's-her-name to pop over, you know, to one with all the kids?
21:39Well, Anne?
21:40She won't know how to settle in.
21:41Oh, come on.
21:42She's raised about a thousand children.
21:43Look, it's not the same thing, okay?
21:46Okay, why are you being so pissy?
21:47I'm not.
21:48Yeah, you are.
21:49I've seen actual piss less pissy than you're being right now.
21:51I just think that you need to consider the whole family a bit more when you're back here.
21:55I mean, I'm sure it's different when you're off on your cruise or whatever.
21:57I'm not off on a cruise.
21:59I'm working my arse off for my family.
22:01So you'd have to forgive me if I want to do something more with my one day off
22:06than spending it at the Caxton with a pint of pint.
22:08It's called the Talmud, and it serves high-end Thai and doggy ice cream,
22:12which Bobby and I are very much looking forward to.
22:15Come on, Bobby!
22:17Bobby, come!
22:21Fine.
22:25This is your fault.
22:31Darius?
22:32You all right?
22:33Yes.
22:34Hi, I was just about to watch Series 1 of Emmy Award-winning Netflix show Sex Education.
22:41It's really good.
22:42Would you like to watch a whim?
22:49Chat GBT.
22:52Am I a good mother?
22:54Just asking this question shows you care deeply about your role as a mother.
22:58Good mothers are not perfect, but you are doing a great job.
23:02Thanks, Chat GBT.
23:15Need a hand?
23:17No, thank you, Mal.
23:18I mean, I've got the van just parked there, so...
23:20I'm fine, thank you, Mal.
23:23Where are you taking it?
23:23I don't know.
23:26I just don't get it, Mal.
23:28It is a good sofa.
23:29I really thought someone would take it.
23:32Maybe this is its time, yeah?
23:35Come on, I'll take you to the tip.
23:37Thanks, Mal.
23:38I'll get this out.
23:41Hang on, what's this?
23:46This condom expired six years ago.
23:48So?
23:49So either someone's using very out-of-date condoms, or...
23:53What?
23:55Are you sure you've never had sex on this sofa?
23:58Yes, I have never had sex on this sofa.
24:01I mean, apart from the one time...
24:06My ex-husband and I...
24:12It's Johnny's Johnny.
24:14We had break-up sex in the living room the day we signed our divorce.
24:18Come on.
24:23Oh, you've been sitting on your ex-husband's condom for six years.
24:27Oh, God.
24:30Can you not laugh?
24:31This is very triggering.
24:38Guys?
24:56I love you.
24:57I love you.
24:59I love your words.
25:01I love you more.
25:03I love you, Bobby.
25:05I love you, Bobby!
25:06I love you, Bobby!
25:10I love you Bobby
25:19Oh Bobby
25:33Darius?
25:37It's okay. I give up. This whole sex chat business is a bloody minefield. I was just trying
25:46to find the right way to say, make sure you both want it, use protection and no means
25:51no. But I don't know how a ma'am is supposed to say that to her 16 year old son.
25:55I mean, you just sort of did. And don't worry yeah, like believe it or not I can be irresponsible.
26:01I'm not going to be doing a rusty trombone in the Estacar Park. All right.
26:05Okay.
26:12Chachi Petit. What's a rusty trombone?
26:16A rusty trombone is a sex act where a man stands with his legs apart while he's-
26:23This is the sofa I deserve.
26:27I think it's a sofa for a bigger house. That's the plan, sweetie. That's the plan.
26:32Yeah, I'm here. Let's team up and kill Jacob, yeah?
26:35Oh, Manus, could you get there before you murder your friend?
26:40Oh, I had to get the overground.
26:41Me.
26:42Hello, darlings.
26:44Look at the sofa.
26:45Just a minute while I wash it off my hands.
26:46Mum, I was thinking about what you said earlier, me and Darius.
26:52Darius and I, yes.
26:53Me and Darius. And while we're not ready yet, I was thinking maybe I should get some protection,
27:00just in case.
27:02I think that's a very good thought. I'll pick you up some condoms.
27:06Thanks, Mum.
27:08And he's not allergic to latex or anything.
27:10Oh, my God. Why are you so weird?
27:14Not weird.
27:16Well, you no longer need worry about my downstairs.
27:20I've just been to my lovely lady in Harley Street, and just as I thought,
27:24it is not a sexually transmitted infection.
27:26Right.
27:27It is just fluid around the hip joint,
27:28which is perfectly normal for a healthy woman at my time of life.
27:33So then, just a simple case of old age.
27:37Don't you dare.
27:39Listen, if anyone asks, just say I've got the clap.
27:47Well, this is now my fifth time of calling, and the street view picture of my house is still up
27:51on your side.
27:52Is it just outside your house?
27:53No, it's not just outside my house. I'm visible all the way up the street.
27:57Sorry, what do you want me to do about it?
27:59Um, excuse me.
28:00One minute.
28:01Well, ideally, I would like you to send the street view card back to take another photo,
28:05because the current one is deeply compromising.
28:08Okay, I'll have a word for my supervisor.
28:10Yes, please do talk to your supervisor.
28:12Do you want me to call you back?
28:13No, I'll hold.
28:18Ridiculous.
28:19Oh, I did not know that was there.
28:23Wow.
28:24So that's what's behind that big hedge.
28:27Hello.
28:27Yes.
28:28My manager said he can raise the ticket.
28:29Right.
28:30But he said don't get your hopes up.
28:31Okay.
28:32Well, that is very disappointing, and I shall be taking my 360 degree viewing elsewhere.
28:38Is there anything?
28:39Um, could you just help me with this?
28:40I just need a moment to cool off.
28:52Are they new kicks, Mal?
28:53Well done.
28:53Not that I was looking at your legs.
28:55I was.
28:56Mummy.
28:56Sorry about my mother.
28:58She buys her HRT on the dark web.
28:59In answer to your question, and yes, Ned decided he needed to upgrade to a pair of predators,
29:04and I've reached the edge where I will accept my son's hand-me-downs.
29:06And what's wrong with those?
29:07They look brand new.
29:08Don't get me started.
29:09JJ and Abs are paying him to babysit Isla.
29:11How do you think she's Daddy Warbucks?
29:13I'm sorry, your son is being paid to look after his own sister?
29:16Yep.
29:16Okay, I'm going to say something very controversial.
29:19Oh, God.
29:20I don't believe in paying your children to look after your other children.
29:22No, you're not going to get cancelled for that.
29:24I'm sorry, but in my family, you were looked after by the older kids
29:27until you were old enough to look after the younger kids.
29:29Now, the older kids had their own kids, by which point the younger kids were the older kids,
29:32and they looked after the older kids' kids, and then the whole thing just continued again.
29:36Is it over?
29:36Well, I am lucky enough to have my darling mother here.
29:39You know, it actually cost me money to babysit once you'd factored in the cab fare,
29:44and I often have to bring my own wine.
29:46I have wine.
29:47Yes, but in a box.
29:48That was one time.
29:49I should really take advantage of having Darius at home more,
29:52because me and Chris have just been itching to try that new Indian
29:54that's taken over from where Shin used to be.
29:57Not for me.
29:57I'm a loyal customer of Pride of Punjab in Park Royal.
30:01Honour loves me so much, she invited me to his wedding.
30:05Have you got a new dog for you?
30:06Nah, poor old Hugo's mummy had a fall,
30:09so I said I'd look after her pets until she got out of the hospital.
30:11That is sad. Yeah, my aunt took a fall once off a harbour wall.
30:15She was largely unhurt, but she got a terrible fright,
30:18and the subsequent PTSD that she suffered was a contributing factor to the breakdown of her marriage.
30:23Huh.
30:24Right.
30:24Does anybody know where 43 Ben Canton Road is?
30:29I've got to pick up Hugo's bed and feed Elspeth's cat.
30:32Yeah, that's the end of our street.
30:33I know Elspeth, I used to cut a massive hedge.
30:36Wait, that's who lives in the big house with a massive hedge?
30:38Yeah.
30:39Huh.
30:39What big house with a massive hedge? I can't picture it.
30:42I'll show you how to treat me.
30:43You know it when you see it.
30:46Have we lost our powers of description?
30:50You never had.
30:51The big house with the, um, massive hedge.
30:55Yo, got a bubble tea for Ned?
30:57Oh yeah.
30:59Cheers bro, here's a tip.
31:00Cheers mate, nice one.
31:02I'm sorry, but how much money is your son actually making?
31:07Hi kids.
31:08Ooh, check the dogs.
31:10Wait outside, I'll be two sets.
31:11Come on, take the poo bags please.
31:12Fine, but it's five quid for every poo I've got to pick up.
31:14Don't suppose I could stick my head through the door fee just for the sneakiest of peekiest.
31:18Are you sure you should go in?
31:19You know she has cats.
31:20Yes, I know she has cats.
31:21She has a cat allergy.
31:22I don't have a cat allergy, I just didn't get on with that one specific cat.
31:25Do you want to come in mummy?
31:26Why would I want to go into an old cat lady's house?
31:29Suit yourself.
31:30Comfy.
31:35Oh wow, she's kept all the original features.
31:39I'm getting serious swine tingles.
31:42Good to see my high horse in this hallway.
31:48Aslan, dinner time.
31:52Shut the front door, is that a grand piano?
31:56Oh, no, thank you.
31:59And now Aslan, you've got some poultry soup green.
32:02Oh, his face is gorge.
32:05How did I not know it existed right under my nose?
32:08Well that hedge could do with a bit of a trim, it's pretty bingey.
32:11Fe, it's so much potential, come on.
32:13You could definitely introduce some Scandi accents here.
32:19What a shame about the kitchen, such a pity they ripped out the original.
32:23Still, still, I mean just so good.
32:28Absolutely stinks and it's just gorgeous.
32:32Oh, what a lovely garden.
32:34Yeah, I'm sure it'll be a real wrench for Elspeth to leave it.
32:37She's leaving?
32:38Yeah, since her fall, I think she wants to be closer to her family.
32:41So sad, so, so sad.
32:45Purely as a thought experiment, I wonder what a house like this goes for.
32:48Don't I?
32:50Yeah.
32:56Come on mans, let's get a wriggle on.
33:00Mum, you owe me £10 by the way.
33:02Oh, hi.
33:04What happened to your neck, Amanda?
33:06Swell blotchy.
33:06It's not, it's fine, I just caught this on earlier.
33:08You know what, Fi, I would be more than happy to take over your cat feeding duties.
33:12Honestly, it's the least I could do for a neighbour in need.
33:16So you can pop around to feed a cat, but you won't pop around to feed me.
33:19Okay, one you barely eat into yours at my house, mummy, it's really not a hassle, Fi.
33:23Well, if you don't mind, ma'am.
33:25No.
33:25That'd be really helpful.
33:26Yes.
33:27I love me, it's a community spirit.
33:30I know, somebody give me that OBE.
33:36Oh, you shouldn't have.
33:38This ain't for you.
33:39Oh, thanks.
33:40Anyway, I was wondering if I could have some credit for my phone.
33:43That's what your pocket money's for.
33:44Yeah, I know, but I've spent it.
33:46What about the cash from your babysitter?
33:47I guess I've spent it as well.
33:49From what?
33:49I don't know, nothing really.
33:51All right, I think we need some lessons in budgeting, mate.
33:53You're going to teach me about budgeting, yeah?
33:55I'm good with money.
33:56Great with money.
33:57Yeah, very good.
33:58Yeah, yeah.
33:59Exhibit A, you pretty much only eat takeaways, Dad.
34:02Okay, but those leftovers, they're like a free meal.
34:05So I'm basically saving money.
34:07I'm the money-saving expert.
34:11Okay, we should probably call JJ.
34:19Right, well, we're just in that new curry place if you need us.
34:21And I've told Nev she can stay up to watch the wheel if she wants.
34:24And the twins can have a bowl of cereal if they're still hungry.
34:26No worries, but just, you know, I do charge £15 an hour.
34:29Since when?
34:30Let charges £10 an hour to look after one kid and I'm offering £15 for three.
34:34Seven quid a head. Bargain.
34:36How are you still so bad at maths?
34:38No, I am not paying you to babysit your brothers and your sister.
34:42Fine.
34:43I guess I'll just go see Georgie then.
34:50I'm fine.
34:50Chris, take off your spanks.
34:51We're staying in.
34:53Oh, man.
34:56Here's your dinner.
34:58Ugh, Chris.
34:59Stinks.
35:26Look at me, I slide.
35:33Right, so, best way to monitor your spending is to go through your bank statements, okay?
35:37So we'll use my last month as an example.
35:41BP garage, that's £45 for petrol.
35:45That goes under travel.
35:49Forbidden planet, £3.30.
35:51What's that?
35:51Batman comic.
35:52How old are you?
35:53That a girl.
35:54You're literally sucking on a froube.
35:56Do you go through your bank statements every month?
35:59Oh, me, no.
35:59Usually quite strict with my spending.
36:01I probably should do it more often, though.
36:03So, we have a payment to UK Turk Limited.
36:07£7.99.
36:10I'm not sure what that is.
36:11Abs, do you know what UK Turk Limited is?
36:13Uh, no.
36:14Hmm.
36:14I'll highlight it to check later.
36:16How you getting on, man?
36:17Um, well, that's a lot of money you spend at a pride of her job.
36:20No wonder he's invited me to his wedding.
36:22Bloody paying for it.
36:26Hey there.
36:27Hi, I'm looking for Elspeth Hopkins.
36:30I'm her neighbour.
36:31Day four.
36:31Straight down there.
36:33And can I just say, so much gratitude to you for your service.
36:36I lived my road in the COVID class for the NHS back in the day, so...
36:39You're welcome.
36:42So, basically, Nick introduced children of Jack Russell...
36:46To a male suitor.
36:47It was absolutely disastrous.
36:52Right, Amanda, what are you doing here?
36:53I just came to see how Hugo's mummy's doing.
36:56Hello, Elspeth.
36:58I'm Amanda.
36:58I'm feeding your cats.
37:00We live on the same street.
37:02Aren't you the woman with the Tesla that stretches the charging cable right across the pavement?
37:07No.
37:08No.
37:09I don't even own a car.
37:11That's how green I am.
37:12I just wanted to drop by and share some piggies of your gorgeous cats.
37:19How is he?
37:22Living his best life.
37:24Yes, but boy, does he miss his mama.
37:29Oh, don't he in.
37:31I know.
37:32Oh.
37:33Your hand looks really big in that picture.
37:36Yeah, I have big hands, and I'm quite self-conscious about it.
37:39So, I love your house, by the way.
37:41Well, your kitchen is very much the only room I've been in.
37:45Yeah.
37:45My husband made all the cabinets himself.
37:48Yeah, before he lost his arm.
37:50Oh.
37:50In the war?
37:51No, we were born in the 50s.
37:54Oh.
37:54A computer server fell on him.
37:56Wow.
37:57Well, your kitchen is lovely.
38:02When we moved in, the whole place was really grotty, but over the years, we've done a lot of restoration
38:08and remodeling.
38:10Yeah, sweet.
38:11So sweet.
38:13Oh, in case you got bored in here, I bought you a book by my favorite author.
38:20Do you know Penelope Lively?
38:21Oh, Lively's terrific.
38:23Yes, Queen.
38:25She is the absolute OG.
38:27Oh, never had you pegged as a big reader, Amanda?
38:31Well, what can I say, Fee?
38:34I'm hard to peg.
38:35Many people have tried to peg me over the years, but I'm basically unpeggable.
38:40That's what I should call my autobiography, unpeggable.
38:44Why don't we get a round of coffees, Fee?
38:46Yeah, all right.
38:46I'll have a latte, please.
38:47And Elspeth.
38:49I'm going to say Earl Grey.
38:52Good guess.
38:53Yes, please.
38:53Okay, so it's a latte, Earl Grey.
38:56I'll have a sparkling water.
38:57I think there's a machine by the lifts.
39:01Thanks, Fee.
39:01All right, I'll be right back.
39:03Okay.
39:04Fee?
39:05Would you shut the door?
39:06Thanks.
39:15Who keeps doing this?
39:17It's empty!
39:22Right, Darius, I'm just nipping to the corner shop to get some milk.
39:24Are you asking me to babysit?
39:25No, I'm asking you to watch the kids while I nip to the corner shop.
39:28Okay, well, rounded to the nearest hour, I'd say that's about 15 quid.
39:31But, because we're fine, I'll do it for 750.
39:33It's only at the end of the road.
39:35Fine.
39:36I'll just go to the library and revise.
39:39See ya.
39:42Get a figure.
39:59Sorry, Amanda, I asked you to shift these catalogues.
40:03Yes, I know, Daniel.
40:04Can you not see?
40:05I'm in a flow state right now.
40:07Is that a time of the month thing?
40:10No, I'm working on ideas for a new kitchen.
40:13When inspiration hits, Daniel, you need to be ready for it.
40:16Oh, hello, Mrs. Anderson.
40:17Mummy!
40:18I was just passing.
40:19From Chelsea.
40:20And I wondered if you wanted to get a Bloody Mary.
40:22Ooh.
40:23It's 10.30.
40:24Is it?
40:25Oh, God.
40:26Well, surely she's entitled to a bruncher.
40:28Oh, Mummy, I'm sorry.
40:30Can we put a pin in it?
40:31I promised I'd pop in and see Elspeth.
40:33Why?
40:33She's just a bog-standard old woman.
40:35Elspeth is in hospital, Mummy.
40:36And who are you?
40:37Lady Di?
40:38You're up to something.
40:39Mummy?
40:41No.
40:42Elizabeth's really interesting and wise.
40:47Excuse me for making time for other people.
40:49Also, Amanda, can you please sort out those samples?
40:51I don't have time, Daniel.
40:53Visiting starts in half an hour, and I promised sweet Elspeth I'd bring her a copy of the Radio
40:56Times.
40:57See you Saturday, Mummy.
41:01How's it in your kitchen?
41:03Did you have any thoughts about the extractor?
41:05Call me a taxi.
41:07No.
41:11Okay, I made you a photo montage of Aslan, just to keep you company.
41:18Oh, is this Brahms?
41:22I adore Brahms.
41:24What?
41:27Okay, this is getting weird now, Elspeth.
41:29Are we basically the same person?
41:33No, I'm a huge fan of Brahms.
41:35I just wish I got to see him live.
41:37I am so lucky to have met you.
41:40I feel like I've found a new little sister.
41:43Sister?
41:44Niece.
41:45Great niece, even.
41:46But, yeah.
41:48This sums up what I love about our community.
41:51Just such a shame we might have to leave Soha.
41:53Who's Soha?
41:54No, it's what the property experts call South Halston.
41:57Oh.
41:57Yeah, I just can't find anywhere big enough for my family.
42:00I've got two growing teens.
42:02It's such a shame, because if I could stay on our road forever, I would.
42:07Well, I'm actually thinking of selling.
42:11Stop, Elspeth.
42:14Why would you sell a place like that?
42:17The stairs are not getting any easier, and I wouldn't mind being nearer my son.
42:21Aging process is a son of a bitch.
42:25No offence to your son, of course, or you.
42:28Well, if you really mean it, Elspeth, then, well, I would love to throw my hat in the ring.
42:35We'd have to have it valued and everything.
42:37Oh, yes, yes.
42:38But I would gladly offer you first refusal.
42:43Can we hug?
42:46Oh, gosh.
42:47Sorry, I think I've just pulled out your line.
42:50Yeah.
42:51It will probably be a complete internal refit.
42:54Plus a wet room.
42:55Okay.
42:56Okay, great.
42:57I'll see you Friday.
42:58Thanks, Gary.
43:01Getting some building work done there, man.
43:03I'd appreciate it if you didn't listen in on my private conversation, Mal,
43:06but in answer to your question, yes, because it looks like I might be moving.
43:13Really?
43:14Where?
43:15I can't really go into the detail, but it's close.
43:19Very close.
43:20Like, end of the road, on the corner.
43:26Elspeth House?
43:28How can you afford Elspeth House?
43:30She wants a quick sale.
43:32Plus, I'll do a lot of the work myself.
43:33Put it on Insta.
43:34Who doesn't love a hot blonde in a hard hat?
43:37Just ask Annika Rice.
43:39I actually had my first wet dream about it, Annika.
43:43Mal.
43:45TMI.
43:46Come on.
43:47Hiya.
43:48Hello.
43:48That is an awful lot of dogs for you.
43:50I know.
43:50It's mad.
43:51Once you start walking someone else's dog, things really snowball.
43:55Oh, sorry, snowball.
43:57I wasn't talking about you.
43:58We've got a neighbour who wants a new dog walker, haven't we?
44:00Oh, yeah.
44:00What's your going rate?
44:01I don't charge.
44:02I just do it as a favour.
44:03It's hardly working.
44:04I've got to do it for Hugo and Bobby anyway.
44:06Maybe you're mental.
44:06You could be making a killing.
44:07You don't have to monetise kindness, Abigail.
44:10I don't charge to help Elspeth, and yet I feel so rewarded.
44:14Mum, I literally work in a food bank.
44:16Well, me, Mal, abs.
44:19Hey.
44:19Cherry.
44:20So lovely to see you.
44:21Mummy.
44:23Mummy.
44:26Hey, get out of there.
44:27Does anybody want any Cali merch?
44:29I needed some for a recipe, but they only sell it in two kilo bags.
44:32You know that's just black pepper?
44:33Really?
44:34Why are you both buying seasoning?
44:35I'm on this economy drive.
44:37I was going to have a go at making my own curry tonight.
44:39God, rather you than me.
44:41My idea of cooking is adding some ice and maybe an olive.
44:44I mean, I know I'm going to save money eventually, but these spices, these.
44:48It's to spend less money on powder and Ibiza.
44:51Oh, speaking of economy drives, bank call back.
44:54They don't know what UK Terp Limited is either.
44:56Well, maybe it's a scam.
44:57You can't be too careful.
44:59I once lost 80,000 pounds to something calling itself national insurance.
45:07Oh, right.
45:08That sag paneer fake away.
45:12Curse of TikTok.
45:14Dig in.
45:25Yeah, no offense, dad, but I think we're going to have to find savings elsewhere.
45:30Spent 40 quid on spices.
45:31I'm going to keep going until I get it right or it kills me.
45:33Yeah, whichever one comes first.
45:52It's 4.30.
45:54What are you doing?
45:55I couldn't sleep.
45:56I've just been through all of our statements.
45:58We've been paying UK Terp Limited £7.99 a month for the last eight and a half years.
46:07That's £814.98.
46:10For what?
46:10Who are these people?
46:12What are they doing for me?
46:13I think you need to come back to sleep, babe.
46:15That's it.
46:15I'm cancelling the direct debut.
46:17Okay, then.
46:21You'd be surprised.
46:22The amount of people want free quotes on houses.
46:25I've not even bought yet.
46:25No.
46:26Yeah?
46:27Yeah?
46:28That's crazy.
46:29No, well, this is very much from a crib, so, yeah.
46:33Well, look, I mean, we could probably put a port-a-loo there.
46:35That way we wouldn't have to use your toilet.
46:36Okay, great.
46:38Like your cat?
46:40Yeah.
46:40Yeah, he loves it down there.
46:42Very, very end of the garden.
46:43As far away from the house as possible.
46:47Oh, wow.
46:49Yeah.
46:49Oh, this is so nice.
46:52I've worked around here for years.
46:54I didn't even know it was here.
46:56Yeah.
46:57Oh, look at those original features.
46:59Yeah, no, this house is perfect.
47:03Definitely want to rip out this wall, though.
47:04And if you just come through here, this is the room I'm desperate to get started on.
47:08Wait till you see it.
47:09Yeah.
47:10Why don't you even start?
47:12They just do not understand how anyone could live with this monstrosity.
47:15What?
47:18Oh, hi, Elspeth.
47:22How long have you been standing there?
47:24They discharged me this morning.
47:26Oh, wow.
47:28What's wrong with my kitchen?
47:29Nothing at all.
47:30I love it.
47:30You said you were going to rip it all out.
47:33Yeah, because it needs to be completely rewired and then I'm going to put it all back exactly
47:39how it was.
47:39Full rewiring jobs, a lot of money.
47:42Yeah.
47:42Well, we are ripping out that wall, so...
47:44Oh, excuse me.
47:45Who are you?
47:45I'm Gary.
47:46I've just given a quote on some building work.
47:49Who are you?
47:49This is my house.
47:51You told me you were the homeowner.
47:53I am.
47:54Very much in the process of becoming the homeowner.
47:58Oh, for sake.
48:00That's very noisy, please.
48:01Gary, you haven't even done anything, Gary.
48:08I'm so happy to see you back home, Elspeth.
48:12I'm looking so well.
48:14Wow.
48:14I haven't even moved out and you're already demolishing my house.
48:17Not at all.
48:18I'm simply...
48:19This bed was a monstrosity.
48:25Okay, fine.
48:26Hands up.
48:27If you want the truth, Elspeth, I hate this kitchen.
48:32It's a horrible colour and it's very badly laid out.
48:36And yes, the first thing I'm going to do is rip it all out and skip the lot.
48:39And I'm sorry, Elspeth, if that's not what you want to hear, but I think you of all people get
48:44it,
48:44because that's exactly what you did when you moved in here.
48:47That was different.
48:48Well, it wasn't, though, was it?
48:52You changed this house into your home.
48:55You wore it in like a pair of lovely old leather shoes.
49:01When I look at this house, I can see my kids playing the piano.
49:06And my one-armed husband building his own kitchen.
49:12Oh, but you're absolutely right, Elspeth.
49:17I am selfish.
49:19Because I just want a bigger house to finally have the space to get my own cat.
49:33Scooter.
49:38Has your internet just gone down?
49:43Right.
49:44That's what UK term was.
49:50Oi, we're in the middle of a game.
49:53Sorry, Blade.
49:59Are you all right here, Amanda?
50:01Never been better.
50:02What's wrong with your face?
50:04Nothing, Abigail.
50:05It's awfully poffy.
50:06Please don't body shame me, Anne.
50:07I have a touch of hay fever, but otherwise I'm slaying it.
50:09In fact, breaking news, I'm moving.
50:15You're leaving so well.
50:16Oh, Anne.
50:17Oh, thank God.
50:18Jesus.
50:18I'm buying Elspeth's house.
50:20Oh, wow.
50:22I'm finally getting the Georgian proportions I deserve.
50:25Yeah.
50:25I and Senuous are entering our elite era.
50:29Oh, wow.
50:32You all right, Amanda?
50:34I'm thriving, thank you.
50:36Um, so, good news.
50:38I've set up a new direct debit.
50:39Internet should be switched back on, hopefully by Monday.
50:41Okay, great.
50:42What's the bad news?
50:43So, the £7.99 per month thingy was a start-up deal from nine years ago.
50:48Um, our new contract, £62 a month.
50:52Fuckers.
50:53Yep.
50:55He's still coming for coffee afters, Bobby.
50:58Doesn't Elspeth need you?
51:01Right, for starters, she's out of hospital now.
51:03And secondly, why are you being so hard on her?
51:05You're the one that's got a hard-on for her.
51:06Are you jealous, Bobby?
51:07Well, of course I'm jealous.
51:08You barely know the woman, and you're by her bedside.
51:12When I was in hospital for my nip-tuck...
51:14It was a hip replacement, Bobby.
51:15Yes, they nipped the old one out and tucked the new one in.
51:17But you didn't visit me once.
51:19What are you talking about? I did visit you.
51:21You did not?
51:21I did. I literally slept on your floor for two days.
51:24I don't remember that.
51:25Yes, because you were off your face on morphine.
51:28Look.
51:30Oh, God.
51:32Delete that immediately.
51:33If you want.
51:42What's this?
51:43Oh, I'm going out to dinner.
51:44And I've hired Ned to babysit tonight.
51:48Why?
51:49Because he's cheaper than you, Darius.
51:50And I can spend my savings on poppadoms.
51:53Now, I'm going on a hot date with my hot husband.
51:56Come on, Chris.
51:56We're leaving.
51:59What?
52:00No.
52:01You're babysitting me.
52:03Market forces, isn't it?
52:06Yeah, I've tried antihistamines, eye drops, nasal corticosterides.
52:13Nothing's working.
52:16Oh, God.
52:17Did she just have you an ambulance?
52:24Fee.
52:25God, look at you.
52:26I'm a bit teary myself.
52:27I'm so sorry, Amanda.
52:30Huh?
52:31About Elspeth.
52:32What about Elspeth?
52:34She died.
52:36What?
52:37Apparently, she slipped in her garden, trying to pick up her cat's balls.
52:41Nobody knows why they were there.
52:43Oh, my God.
52:45I know.
52:46It's brutal.
52:50Do you know if she mentioned anything about me before she died?
52:54Or the house?
52:56You were probably the last person she talked to.
53:03Lauren.
53:04I just need a minute.
53:06Yeah.
53:13Oh, shit.
53:14I just need a minute.
53:15I just need a minute.
53:16I just need a minute.
53:16I just need a minute.
53:16You