- 2 days ago
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00:00The summer I turned 18, Asher made me cross a line I could never take back.
00:04I bit my lip through the ache, glowing secretly all night,
00:07convinced that six long years of loving him from a distance had finally, finally paid off.
00:12Then the next morning, I heard his friend laughing outside the classroom door.
00:16Okay, okay. Got the nerd to give it up, huh?
00:19My face burned, and I turned to slip away before anyone saw me.
00:23I'm trying to get with Chloe, but she'd think I was too inexperienced.
00:26So I'll use Stella to get some practice in first.
00:29I didn't say a single word.
00:30I just quietly changed my college application from NYU to a school thousand miles away in California.
00:36His words hit me like a thunderclap out of a cloudless summer sky.
00:40No warning at all. My mind went completely blank.
00:43It was a scorching July afternoon, but I felt like ice was spreading through every inch of my body.
00:48The guys inside kept talking, pausing only for a half second before someone else piped up.
00:54Classic Ashen, even Stella was just a warm-up for him.
00:57Everyone knows how hard it is to get into her pants.
01:03So what does that make her? Like, a practice dully?
01:07Asher just laughed it off.
01:10Relax. She got something out of it, too.
01:12I mean, Stella's cute and all, but compared to Chloe, yeah, no contest.
01:16Right.
01:17Asher threw a textbook at him to shut him up.
01:21It was just a vibe, okay? The moment happened, and honestly, she seemed like she was enjoying herself.
01:26The guys all exchanged knowing looks and started roasting him.
01:30Who knew the Bookberg was that freaky under all those cardigans?
01:33Bro, Asher's just built different. Why leave free food on the table, right?
01:37She's been chasing him for years. Technically, she got what she wanted.
01:41The laughter inside the room got noticeably louder.
01:44I pressed my teeth into my lower lips so hard I tasted copper.
01:48Both hands balled into white-knuckled fists.
01:50It took every single ounce of willpower I had to stay upright,
01:54to not just crumple right there in the doorway.
01:56Footsteps echoed down the hall toward me.
01:58I snapped back to reality and bolted, shoving my way blindly through the corridor.
02:02In my panic, I threw myself into the nearest bathroom stall and locked the door behind me.
02:11The tears came like a dam breaking, grief and humiliation pouring out all at once.
02:16Asher's words played on a loop inside my head.
02:19Every single syllable.
02:20They shredded what little self-worth I had left.
02:23If I hadn't heard it with my own ears,
02:25I never could have believed that the guy talking in there was the same one who had held me
02:30like I was something precious just last night.
02:32Turns out you don't actually need to love someone to do that with them.
02:35Turns out you can look a girl dead in the eyes,
02:38make her feel everything,
02:39and still be lying through every single second of it.
02:42The thing I thought was my happily ever after
02:44was just a punchline someone else got to laugh at.
02:47The more I cried, the worse it got.
02:50But I couldn't make a sound.
02:51My whole body was shaking so hard I could barely breathe.
02:55A long time passed.
02:56My phone buzzed.
02:57It was Asher.
02:58Just grab an Uber back.
02:59My crew's got a party tonight,
03:01and it'd be awkward to bring you.
03:03I didn't reply.
03:04He sent a follow-up.
03:05Also, pick up a warning after pill yourself.
03:07I'm busy today.
03:08Don't forget to take it.
03:09Good girl.
03:10I stared at those two texts for a very, very long time without moving.
03:14From dusk until nearly sunrise,
03:17Asher had been relentless,
03:18like he had a point of breath.
03:19By the end, we were both completely wrecked.
03:22And right before he drifted off from his arms around me,
03:25he'd murmured the same thing twice.
03:27We weren't really prepared for the first time.
03:32Get you the pill first day of the morning.
03:34He'd even given me this little lecture
03:36about how people needed to take care of themselves.
03:39Said the morning-after pill was really important,
03:41and that skipping it could mess up my body.
03:44And I had actually thought,
03:45This is it.
03:46He's the one.
03:47He's being so responsible.
03:49I finally got my person.
03:51And now, the clarity hit me like a slap.
03:53I dug my nails into my own palm
03:55until the pain forced the tears to stop.
03:58I wiped my face,
03:59straightened my glasses,
04:00and walked out of that bathroom like nothing had happened.
04:03I was too embarrassed to go to a real pharmacy,
04:06so I ordered the pill online instead.
04:08When the delivery guy left the package at my door,
04:10I waited another long stretch
04:12where I couldn't even bring myself to go get it.
04:15I swallowed it with a mouthful of my own tears.
04:17Then I just sat down on the floor,
04:19staring at nothing,
04:21completely empty.
04:24Ever since Asher's family had moved next door to mine,
04:28I trailed after the light shadow.
04:30That had been ten years of my life.
04:32I had genuinely never stopped to think about
04:34what a world without him would even look like.
04:36I couldn't picture it.
04:37But starting right now,
04:39I was going to have to figure it out alone.
04:41Outside the floor-to-ceiling window,
04:43the neighborhood lights blinked on,
04:45one by one,
04:46and then off again.
04:47At some point,
04:48I really didn't know how long I'd been sitting there,
04:50Mia called me on FaceTime.
04:56Stella, why didn't you come to the party tonight with Ashler?
04:59That girl Chloe from the AP track is here, by the way.
05:01She has been all over him since you did the show.
05:04It's actually disgusting.
05:05In the dark corner of the VIP booth,
05:07Asher and Chloe were sitting so close together,
05:10their thighs were touching.
05:11Chloe had worn a crop top and a curve-hugging mini skirt,
05:14long tan legs,
05:16tiny waist.
05:16Even the way they were talking looked more like whispering secrets than having a conversation.
05:21I could feel the charged energy between them through the screen.
05:25Something in my chest locked up.
05:27He'd only said he wanted to chase her this afternoon,
05:29and apparently,
05:30tonight was all the time he needed.
05:32The game switched to truth or dare,
05:34and Chloe drew a card that said,
05:38Do a push-up challenge with a guy hovering over me.
05:43Predictably,
05:44Asher volunteered before anyone else could open their mouth.
05:47Chloe blushed bright pink and lay back against the couch cushions.
05:51Asher planted his hands on either side of her.
05:53He was controlled the whole time,
05:56deliberately keeping his body from making contact with hers,
05:58until the very last one.
06:00His arms gave out,
06:02and his entire weight came down directly on top of her.
06:05The room erupted.
06:07Everyone screaming so loud,
06:08the walls practically shook.
06:10Asher's and Chloe's faces went even redder.
06:12With the whole crowd going absolutely feral around them,
06:16Asher just tilted his head down and kissed her.
06:18Not a quick peck,
06:19a full, deep,
06:20for the whole room to see kiss.
06:22Three full minutes before they finally pulled apart.
06:25For all three of those minutes,
06:26I sat completely frozen,
06:28eyes locked on the screen,
06:29barely remembering to breathe.
06:31I wanted to cry so badly.
06:34Oh my god,
06:35Stella,
06:36did you see that?
06:37He literally kissed her in front of everyone.
06:40He is so into her.
06:42Mia shook her head and stepped out of the booth,
06:44turning the camera as she went.
06:46Don't be mad at me.
06:47If I hadn't shown you,
06:48you never would have let yourself move on.
06:50I'm not mad at you.
06:52I'm only mad at myself for wasting so many years.
06:55I had always assumed that the spot beside Asher was mine,
06:59that it would always be mine.
07:00I am so done with him,
07:02Stella.
07:02Who does he think he is,
07:03watching you love him for years,
07:04acting all innocent like he had no idea,
07:06just letting you fall deeper and deeper?
07:08You saw what I showed you.
07:09I'm not giving myself the chance.
07:12Mia,
07:13I've already decided I'm going to California with you,
07:15but you have to promise me you'll keep it quiet for now.
07:19Right after I said it,
07:20I flipped open my laptop right in front of her.
07:22Without a single second of hesitation,
07:24I changed my first choice school to the one in California,
07:27one minute before the deadline.
07:29Mia basically levitated off the ground.
07:32She'd been begging me for months to apply to the same school as her.
07:35But back when we started high school,
07:37Asher and I had made this pact.
07:39We'd work hard together and go to his dream school up in Boston after graduation.
07:43It had his aerospace engineering program,
07:46the one he'd been obsessed with since we were kids.
07:48So even though I didn't particularly love the idea of brutal winters,
07:52and even though that school was a technical institute that didn't even have my major,
07:56I'd spent three years treating it like my only option.
07:59Our families had lived next door to each other for so long
08:02that both sets of parents thought it was basically a done deal we'd end up at the same school.
08:07Everyone, including me,
08:08assumed Asher and I would just naturally become official once we got to college.
08:12But right now, I couldn't think of a single reason to still go to Boston.
08:16Because honestly, after today,
08:18if I kept following Asher around the way I always had,
08:21I would never be able to look myself in the mirror again.
08:24I just needed to go somewhere far away.
08:26It didn't even matter where, as long as he wasn't there.
08:30He was going east, so I was going west.
08:32Before bed, I filled the entire bathtub.
08:35I needed to scrub every inch of myself clean.
08:38But when I took off my clothes,
08:40the bruises on my skin were still so vivid, it made me flinch.
08:44The memories from last night rushed back before I could stop them.
08:48The burning heat of his skin pressed against mine.
08:51The sound of his breath ragged and warm against my ear.
08:54The ghost of it all still seemed to linger in the air around me.
08:58I shook my head hard, physically trying to shake myself free of it.
09:01Then, I grabbed the roughest loofah I owned and scrubbed myself raw,
09:05over and over,
09:07until my whole body was flushed pink and singing.
09:10I was trying, clumsily, desperately,
09:13to erase what was officially the worst night of my entire life.
09:18The result was that the pain kept me awake the whole night anyway.
09:21Asher didn't text.
09:22For the first time in six years,
09:24ever since we both got phones,
09:26we didn't say goodnight to each other.
09:28That was fine.
09:29It was going to happen eventually anyway.
09:31Tonight was as good a time as any to start letting go.
09:34I didn't fall asleep until just before sunrise,
09:37drifting in and out of exhaustion.
09:38Early the next morning,
09:40while I was still buried in sleep,
09:42I felt, in that foggy space between dream and awake,
09:46the soft press of lips against my forehead.
09:48I jolted awake.
09:49The first thing my eyes landed on was a jaw I knew too well,
09:53and the soft dip of a throat right above me.
09:56The scent hit me next.
09:57Cedarwood.
09:58That cologne he always wore.
09:59And underneath it, the faintest trace of something new.
10:03Something citrusy that wasn't his.
10:05Right.
10:05I'd completely forgotten that Asher still knew my front door code.
10:09Seeing me awake, he shifted lower
10:11and tilted his face down toward my lips.
10:13I shoved him back with both hands
10:15and scrambled to the far edge of the bed.
10:17He blinked, then let out a short laugh like I'd surprised him.
10:23Since when are you shy?
10:24I didn't answer.
10:25I just yanked the blanket over my head and disappeared under it.
10:28Asher started talking.
10:32Stella, seriously.
10:33You didn't say goodnight, you turned your phone off
10:36and now you're hiding under a blanket?
10:38Still avoiding me?
10:39Then he just lifted the blanket and slid himself right in.
10:45Hey, how many times have I told you?
10:47You can't skip breakfast.
10:49I ran half a mile to get you those croissants from your favorite place
10:52and they stood in line forever.
10:54Want to get up and eat now or get eaten?
11:00Reality crashed back in
11:02and I fought like my life depended on it.
11:04But I'm 5'2 in sneakers
11:06and Asher is literally 6'2 of solid muscle.
11:09I honestly could not figure out what game he was playing.
11:12He had Chloe now,
11:13so what was he even doing in my bed?
11:15I tried to push him away,
11:16only to be held even tighter.
11:18Let go of me!
11:20After what felt like forever of thrashing around,
11:23I was panting and had accomplished nothing
11:25except being held even tighter.
11:27What's the tantrum about?
11:30You're mad because I didn't bring you to the party last night?
11:32Over something that small?
11:34I said nothing.
11:35He buried his face in the curve of my neck
11:37and actually laughed.
11:39Let me guess.
11:40Mia told you something?
11:41It was a party game, Stella.
11:43Is it really worth getting jealous over?
11:46You're doing that thing you always do.
11:48I get slightly close to another girl
11:50and you go all silent and sulky.
11:53I was so furious I couldn't even form a sentence.
11:56I dredged up something from a self-defense unit in gym class,
11:59snapped my knee up hard between us,
12:01and the second he doubled over,
12:02I launched myself out of that bed.
12:04Stella.
12:05Asher's jaw went tight,
12:07his whole face going red.
12:08I grabbed a hoodie off the floor
12:10and yanked it on over my pajamas.
12:12I did not want to be in any room with him
12:15and especially not my bedroom.
12:27Hey, you took that pill yesterday, right?
12:29Because I really don't need that kind of drama
12:30and I definitely don't want to have that conversation
12:32with your parents.
12:41Come on, be reasonable.
12:43Eat something before you pick a fight.
12:48You know your stomach's sensitive.
12:57What is actually going on?
13:00Stella, even a tantrum needs a reason.
13:02There have to be some limits here.
13:04I kept my voice ice cold and set it flat.
13:07I don't deserve to have any say.
13:10Asher snapped.
13:11He slammed the cup down on the coffee table so hard it cracked.
13:14The plastic split and the smoothie spilled out in a wave,
13:18soaking into the rug.
13:19What is that supposed to mean?
13:22Who do you think you are, Stella?
13:25Who do you think you are?
13:29We slept together once, it was consensual, and now you think you own me?
13:34Do you know how suffocating that is?
13:37His voice had a viciousness to it I had never heard before.
13:40The second he finished speaking, my eyes flooded.
13:43No warning, no buildup, just instant tears.
13:47Yesterday's humiliation came crashing back, hitting me all over again like a fresh wound.
13:52Asher clearly hadn't expected me to cry this hard this fast.
13:55He looked genuinely thrown, scrambling for what to do.
13:58He crouched down and said he was sorry.
14:01I'm sorry.
14:02I drank too much last night and I was out of line just now.
14:05He reached out to wipe my face, but I twisted away, putting distance between us.
14:09His hand froze in midair, hovering there.
14:12He opened his mouth to keep trying, but his phone buzzed.
14:14He glanced at the screen once, and his entire expression shifted,
14:18and he stood up and moved toward the door.
14:20I've got something urgent.
14:21Take a minute to calm down.
14:23We're going to college soon.
14:25You can't keep throwing fits like a little kid who's going to put up with that.
14:35He hadn't been gone 30 minutes when Mia sent me a screenshot.
14:39Chloe's Instagram story just said,
14:41I'm hungry, and breakfast appeared like magic.
14:44Pretty sure this is mutual now, with a little heart.
14:46The photo was of the exact same croissants that were sitting on my kitchen counter.
14:51I didn't respond.
14:52I just quietly wiped my eyes, got on my hands and knees, and started cleaning up the smoothie Asher had
14:58spilled.
14:58I scrubbed for a long time before I accepted, with a hollow feeling in my chest,
15:03that the stain had soaked all the way through the wool rug and wasn't coming out.
15:07So, I just threw the whole rug in the trash.
15:09It didn't matter anyway.
15:10That rug was something Asher and his parents had spent an entire afternoon picking out on a family trip,
15:16and he'd lugged it home in his carry-on himself.
15:18Then, I went through everything else.
15:20Every single thing Asher had ever left at my place.
15:24Every gift he'd given me over the years.
15:26Every photo of the two of us.
15:28Every small souvenir and keepsake.
15:29It took the rest of the day, but I packed every last bit of it up, and threw it all
15:34out.
15:37I doubted he'd want any of it back, anyway.
15:40After he left that day, the silence stretched.
15:43Days went by, and he didn't reach out at all.
15:45Things with Chloe were probably going great.
15:47Or maybe he was waiting for me to be the one who caved first.
15:50In every fight we'd ever had, I was always the one who broke first.
15:54Every single time.
15:56No exceptions.
15:56But this time, I didn't go looking for him, and I didn't have any reason to.
16:00I blocked him on everything.
16:02Texts, all social media, changed my front door code, and deleted every account he might use to find me.
16:08After that, I called my parents, who were both traveling, for work.
16:11I told them I wanted to spend the summer visiting my aunt on the other side of the country.
16:15My plan was to stay there until school started, then head straight to California with Mia instead of coming home.
16:21Other than Mia, no one else knew yet that I'd changed my application.
16:25This plan should work perfectly.
16:27There was basically zero chance I'd run into Asher if I pulled this off right.
16:31My mom actually laughed over the phone.
16:35Ooh, so you and Ashler are taking a vacation together?
16:38I made up a quick excuse and didn't go into detail.
16:41I just told her I wanted to visit my aunt and grandma.
16:44I begged my dad to book me the first available flight, and I was ready to leave that same night.
16:49Of course, because the universe has no chill, I ran into Asher's mom right at our front door on my
16:55way out.
16:56She grabbed my arm warmly and started chattering.
16:59Stella, honey, where's Asher? He's not going to pick you up?
17:02Didn't he say he was taking you on that ski trip?
17:06Go have fun.
17:07I am 100% behind you two.
17:11I was confused.
17:12I had mentioned once during senior year that I'd always wanted to try skiing in Colorado, just offhand.
17:19But given everything that had happened between us, the idea of going on a trip together seemed completely impossible.
17:25I was running out of time, though, so I said something vague and non-committal and slipped away.
17:30What I never expected was that at the airport, I would come face to face with Asher.
17:37He was with a group of friends.
17:39Chloe was there, too.
17:40Asher had her designer bag in one hand and his other arm slung around her shoulder.
17:44They were trailing at the back of the group.
17:46Every so often, Chloe would lean her head toward him to say something.
17:50And every single time, without any hesitation, he would bend down to listen.
17:54He never did that with me.
17:56Asher had always been taller than me, and the gap had only gotten bigger over the years.
18:00When it was the two of us, I was always the one bouncing on my toes, craning my neck up
18:05just to catch his eyes.
18:07Turns out, for the right person, he would be the one who bends.
18:10I breathed in slowly.
18:12I told myself I needed to have some dignity about this.
18:15Whatever he did was none of my business.
18:17If I let myself overthink it, I deserved to be slapped.
18:20But there seemed to be only one path to the gate.
18:23All I could do was stay far enough behind that he wouldn't notice me.
18:27By some miracle, we eventually reached a fork in the terminal where the path split.
18:32Asher seemed to get distracted around then.
18:34He made a bunch of calls, none of which seemed to go through, and then spent a long time staring
18:38at his phone.
18:39Eventually, he borrowed someone else's phone, his face dark and unreadable, and disappeared into a nearby bathroom.
18:46A moment later, my phone rang.
18:48Unknown number.
18:50So you've got a real attitude on you this time.
18:52You're just not going to come to me first?
18:55You actually blocked me?
18:58Fine. Keep it up.
18:59See how great you do when we're both in Boston, and you don't know anyone, and there's no one to
19:03look out for you.
19:04Asher came out swinging, rattling off complaints in one long, irritated breath.
19:09I had absolutely nothing to say to any of that, but Asher seemed to get angrier at my silence.
19:15I'm done talking about this. Just unblock me.
19:18I'm heading out of the country for a couple days with some friends.
19:21I probably won't have great reception.
19:25Don't get all weepy about it.
19:26I couldn't even be bothered to say a single word back.
19:29I hung up and turned my phone off.
19:31From across the terminal, I watched Asher stalk back to his group, his expression stormy.
19:37He grabbed Chloe's hand, didn't hesitate for a second, and walked toward the left gate.
19:41I let out a long breath, turned around, and headed right.
19:46With my family, I performed happiness, and honestly, I got pretty good at it.
19:51I deliberately kept myself slammed with plans, filling every gap in the day so I had no room to spiral.
19:57I definitely didn't add Asher back the way he'd demanded, but Mia and some others kept me updated on his
20:03life anyway.
20:04Asher and his friends had apparently been swimming in Colorado for days.
20:08For some reason, he was suddenly posting on social media every single day, which was completely unlike the version of
20:14him who used to go months without posting anything.
20:17Sometimes it was slow motion clips of him carving down the slopes.
20:20Sometimes it was food and late night parties, but mostly it was big group shots of everyone clowning around in
20:26the snow.
20:26Even though I genuinely didn't want to see it, somehow people kept sending it to me unprompted.
20:32Everyone was very casually curious about why I hadn't gone with Asher.
20:36I didn't know what to say, so I just told people I had family stuff going on.
20:40Mia was the only one who openly called him a trash human.
20:43Everyone else around me seemed to be constantly stopping themselves from saying something.
20:47I knew, they'd probably figured out something was wrong.
20:51In every single group photo Asher posted, he and Chloe were glued together, inseparable.
20:57But that spot beside him had been mine for years, just mine.
21:00Every time I saw one of those photos, my face stayed completely neutral, but something deep in my chest would
21:06clench.
21:06He was the first person I ever fell for, someone I had genuinely, completely, embarrassingly loved for such a long
21:13time.
21:13In the middle of the night, alone, I would fall apart a little, and sometimes I felt this stubborn, stupid
21:19feeling that I wasn't ready to let go.
21:21But every time that feeling started rising, I'd replay his words and give myself a mental slap.
21:27I'd repeat it to myself over and over.
21:29Stella, don't be pathetic.
21:31That's the fastest way to make yourself even less worth respecting.
21:34Just hold on a little longer.
21:36Once the detox period was over, everything would be fine.
21:39We went a full month without any contact.
21:41The longest we'd ever gone since the day we met.
21:44Distance and time turned out to be the best medicine.
21:47I ground through the worst of it and came out the other side.
21:49Just when I'd reached the point where I didn't think about him every hour of every day,
21:54he switched to a new number and called me from across the country.
22:00So you're just that bold, running off without me and staying this long?
22:05Summer's almost over, Stella.
22:08Did you forget you promised to go on a trip with me?
22:10Maybe it was because we'd gone so long without talking.
22:14But underneath all the complaints, his voice had this edge to it.
22:17Almost careful.
22:18I still didn't want to talk to him.
22:20I was about to hang up when his mom snatched the phone.
22:23Stella!
22:24Sweetheart!
22:24Are you having fun out there?
22:26This boy won't tell me anything.
22:28I only just found out you two had a fight.
22:32Don't be too hard on him, honey.
22:34When you come back, I'll make him apologize to your face.
22:37Oh, and Ashler just got his acceptance letter today.
22:41Yours should come soon, too.
22:43Have you thought about when you'll come home for your going away party?
22:46I've got a little surprise planned.
22:48Asher's mom had been like a second family to me since I was little.
22:52I couldn't bring myself to hang up on her, so I stayed on and let her talk.
22:56I'm not really planning to have a party.
22:58My parents are always traveling, and honestly, we can just do a video call thing with family.
23:03I probably won't be back before school starts anyway.
23:06I'll just come home right before move in.
23:08I didn't even finish the sentence before Asher took the phone back.
23:11His breathing was heavy.
23:12I could feel the anger coming through from 3,000 miles away.
23:18Stella, I'm literally the one reaching out first here.
23:21How much longer are you going to keep this up?
23:23If you don't come back, don't expect me to wait for you.
23:27I'll head to Boston without you.
23:29He delivered the threat in this cold, flat voice.
23:32Waited and waited without getting the answer he wanted.
23:35My acceptance letter had already arrived at home.
23:38When they saw the school name on the letter, my parents finally found out I'd changed my application.
23:43My mom video called me.
23:45Hi, baby.
23:46Why didn't you talk to us before changing your application?
23:50Does Asher know?
23:50His mom called this morning asking if your letter had come yet.
23:55I had no words.
23:59Baby, how are we supposed to feel okay about you going all the way to California alone?
24:03Aren't you the kid who's terrified of bugs and can't handle heat?
24:07You really think you can manage?
24:09Don't call me to come deal with it for you.
24:11That school has a lot to offer and Mia will be going there too.
24:15You don't have to worry.
24:17Is this about a fight with Asher?
24:20Because that's not a reason to switch schools across the country.
24:25What if you change your mind in a week and want him back?
24:28Then what?
24:29It's heart your caption.
24:30I just decided to say it straight.
24:34Asher has a girlfriend.
24:35Mom, Dad, I have my own life and I don't want to just orbit around his forever.
24:42So please support my choice and please keep it between us for now.
24:47My parents looked at each other for a long time without speaking.
24:52The only thing they asked was that I come home sooner rather than later.
24:56School was starting soon and they wanted time with me.
24:59My mom mentioned that Asher had gone off on another trip with friends
25:02the very next day after getting his acceptance letter.
25:04He'd been gone for days.
25:06His mom was apparently calling my mom regularly asking when I was flying back.
25:11On the day I landed, my parents showed up at the airport
25:13dressed like they were going somewhere formal.
25:15I woke up from my nap on the drive.
25:17I realized they'd pulled up to a five-star hotel.
25:21I was still half asleep when my mom grabbed my arm and steered me through the lobby.
25:26And right there, standing in the middle of it, was Asher, who I hadn't seen in months.
25:31My feet stopped moving on their own.
25:34Asher was in a perfectly fitted black suit, leaning casually beside the lobby fountain,
25:38like something out of a magazine spread.
25:40Just one summer was all it took.
25:42The boyish edge had faded, and he looked exactly like the version of him I used to imagine
25:47when I tried to picture him grown up.
25:49Something complicated twisted in my chest.
25:52I'd avoided this moment for months, and now here it was, sprung on me with no warning.
25:57Stella, it's Ashler's going away party.
26:00We figured we'd pick you up and bring you straight here.
26:03You said you didn't want a party of your own, right?
26:06Ashley asked his parents to set the date for the day you got back, so you can kind of both
26:10celebrate together.
26:11Asher seemed to sense something, because right then, he casually glanced over, and his gaze
26:16landed directly on mine.
26:17My heart lurched sideways, still felt like the floor dropped out.
26:22But Asher moved first.
26:23He took one step toward us, and then Chloe appeared out of nowhere and slipped her arm
26:28through his.
26:28She pulled him along with her, smiling wide, and walked right over to us.
26:33Oh my gosh, Stella, you're back!
26:36I've been wanting to properly meet you forever.
26:40I always saw you around with Asher.
26:43I'm from the AP track, so we never officially met, and I'm genuinely sad about that.
26:50Yeah, Asher looked vaguely uncomfortable.
26:53Why would you want to get to know her?
26:55She's just a drama queen who throws fits.
26:59I honestly thought she'd stayed in her aunt's state forever.
27:02The world will keep on turning, and your name will be forgotten.
27:05I had nothing to say to that.
27:06There was genuinely no response.
27:09Chloe's silver bodycon dress was covered in tiny crystals that caught every bit of light
27:14in the room.
27:14I glanced down at myself.
27:16White tea, jeans, sneakers, hair that still had a slight slept-on wave from the plane.
27:20I looked like I'd made a wrong turn on the way to a convenience store.
27:24I brought a dress for you, baby.
27:25You can go change in the powder room.
27:27I nodded, then shook my head.
27:28There was no point.
27:30This wasn't my party.
27:31Asher kept staring at me with this unreadable expression.
27:34Chloe's eyes kept flicking back and forth between the two of us.
27:37Luckily, a few more guests arrived just then, and Chloe immediately pulled Asher over to
27:42greet them.
27:43Like she was already the hostess.
27:44Mom, let's go in.
27:45I'm a little hungry.
27:48It was a small gathering.
27:50Asher had only invited close family and a handful of friends.
27:53Every single person I knew looked visibly shocked when they saw me walk in.
27:58I just smiled and said hello and acted like I didn't notice.
28:01But nobody was subtle about their curiosity.
28:04The people watching energy was off the charts.
28:08I slipped out to the terrace for some air and could immediately hear a small group in
28:12the hallway cornering Asher for the gossip.
28:17Wait, didn't Stella fall out with you over the Chloe thing?
28:19Why is she here?
28:20Did she come crawling back?
28:22She's just quick-tempered and in a mood.
28:24She always comes around after a couple of days.
28:26We've known each other our whole lives.
28:27She's not actually going to cut me off.
28:29I mean, Stella's genuinely great.
28:31She's been ride or died for you for years.
28:32All of us are low-key jealous of how she treats you.
28:34But like, one is your childhood best friend.
28:37Honestly, Stella's amazing.
28:39But it also feels kind of limiting.
28:41I'm young.
28:42I don't want to only ever have one person.
28:44That's too predictable.
28:45I need to see what else is out there.
28:47But that doesn't mean anything has to end.
28:49As long as I know there's always a light on at home for me.
28:53You're such a player.
28:54I'd heard enough.
28:55I backed away as quietly as I could.
28:57The evening breeze hit my face and I felt my eyes go hot.
29:01I just hated myself for spending so many years being blind to who he actually was.
29:07I was in absolutely the worst mood of the entire summer.
29:11But Asher's mom was thrilled to see me and spent most of dinner doting on me, refusing
29:16to let go of my hand.
29:17Stella, Boston can get really dry in winter.
29:20Let Asher take you shopping tomorrow and stock up on some good moisturizers.
29:24Oh, it's fine.
29:25There are plenty of shops out there and online shopping is so easy.
29:28She nodded warmly and turned to my mom.
29:31I already picked out all the bedding for the dorms.
29:34Got a set for Asher and one for Stella at the same time.
29:36All four seasons covered.
29:38Boston winters are brutal.
29:39I went with really thick comforters and got a few winter coats for Stella too.
29:44Don't you worry about a thing.
29:45My mom made a face like she'd swallowed something.
29:48All of that would be completely useless in California.
29:50But she didn't want to embarrass anyone.
29:52So she thanked her graciously.
29:54Chloe, sitting nearby, looked like she was biting through her own cheek.
29:58Asher's mom didn't seem to notice.
30:00She kept right on talking, addressing both of us.
30:03Once you're both in Boston, you'll be each other's family.
30:07Asher, you better take good care of Stella and stop making her upset.
30:10You hear me?
30:11Asher threw a glance my way with zero expression.
30:15She doesn't need anyone to look after her.
30:17She's perfectly capable of flying on her own.
30:19The table got a little stiff.
30:20And that's when Chloe smoothly cut in.
30:22Oh, don't worry.
30:23My school is in Boston too.
30:25I'll be there to look after Asher.
30:26And Stella will be all the way in California anyway.
30:29So it's not really practical.
30:32Before she even finished the sentence, Asher and his parents' faces changed.
30:36California?
30:37Every single one of them looked at me and asked it at the same time.
30:43Asher, you didn't know?
30:44It's been on the school's honor board.
30:47Oh wait, you haven't been back to campus.
30:48Every pair of eyes at the table swiveled to me.
30:52Under the weight of all that attention, I quietly nodded.
30:55My mom stepped in to explain.
30:57Stella made a last minute decision to change her application.
31:01She's going to a great school in California.
31:04And it's actually the perfect program for her.
31:07Asher didn't believe it.
31:08He grabbed my hand and made me look at him.
31:11Stella, I literally watched you fill out that application.
31:15We were going to the same school.
31:17His grip was tight enough to actually hurt.
31:19And it pushed me over the edge.
31:22Yeah, I changed it.
31:23What does it have to do with you?
31:25Asher looked stunned for a second.
31:26Then started laughing like I'd said something ridiculous.
31:29You're joking.
31:30You're literally the girl who jumps onto my back at the sight of a bug.
31:34And you're moving to California?
31:37And you're moving to California?
31:38I pulled out my phone, found the crystal clear photo of my acceptance letter,
31:42and held it up in his face.
31:44Asher took the phone, zoomed in, zoomed out, read it over and over,
31:49and finally let out a laugh that had no humor in it at all.
31:52In the middle of everyone's gasps, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me out of the dining room.
31:59He pulled me into a side room and locked the door behind us.
32:02Asher planted himself against it, cutting off any escape, and came at me hard.
32:06Stella, I cannot believe you.
32:08You're so mad that you just forget our whole plan,
32:11go behind my back, and commitment to a school across the country.
32:14I lifted my head.
32:15I took a breath and made myself look him straight in the eye.
32:18I have my own plans.
32:20Since when do I have to build my entire future around what you want?
32:24Asher, be honest with yourself.
32:26Are you actually upset about the plan?
32:29Or are you upset because I'm not available to be your fallback girl anymore?
32:33The color drained from his face.
32:35What is that supposed to mean?
32:36Could you not phrase things like that?
32:38We're adults.
32:39That night was completely mutual.
32:41Are you seriously still bringing that up?
32:43I was embarrassed, but I held his gaze anyway.
32:46Asher, if you liked someone else, you could have just said so.
32:48I'm not so shameless that I would have kept throwing myself at you.
32:51But you knew you didn't like me back,
32:53and you just watched me walk straight into the flame.
32:55That was fun for you, wasn't it?
32:56Even now, he still didn't get it.
32:58People don't say goodbye until they've completely run out of hope.
33:01He flushed.
33:02Something in what I said hit.
33:04His face went from white to red, and he visibly swayed.
33:07What do you even...
33:08Listen to what you're saying, you...
33:10He couldn't finish the sentence.
33:14Stella, we've known each other since we were eight years old,
33:16and we're 18 now.
33:18If you're choosing to walk away from what we have,
33:20then we don't have to be friends either.
33:22And with just that, he turned and walked out of the hotel.
33:32From that day until the day I left for school,
33:35I never saw Asher again.
33:37Mia sent me a screenshot of his official couple's post with Chloe.
33:40I deleted it without even opening it.
33:42Every mutual friend connected to him, I blocked.
33:45There was genuinely no point in following any of it anymore.
33:51The only exception was the day I flew out to California.
33:54Of course, because the universe has a terrible sense of humor,
33:57I walked straight into Asher at the airport again,
34:00with Chloe still glued to his side.
34:02When we passed each other,
34:04he said a stiff hello to my parents and kept walking,
34:06clearly still angry.
34:08He didn't look at me once.
34:09We scattered in different directions,
34:11and neither of us looked back.
34:12Right before I got to the security line,
34:15I glanced over and caught Asher at his gate,
34:17about to board.
34:18He gave me one cold, flat look,
34:20and then disappeared through the door without turning around.
34:23The person who had been part of every chapter of my growing up.
34:26We were finally completely done.
34:28Different destinations at last.
34:30And I hope yours goes well.
34:32I said it only to myself.
34:34After that, a long, long time passed,
34:36without either of us hearing a single thing about the other.
34:39I specifically asked my parents not to bring up anything related to Asher
34:44or his family in front of me.
34:45Over New Year's break,
34:47a girl from our high school came to visit.
34:48He's nothing like that cold, focused, straight-A guy he was in high school.
34:53He's completely different.
34:57Honestly, if you ran into him now,
34:59you might not even recognize him.
35:02I didn't say anything.
35:03Mia kicked her under the table and smoothly changed the subject,
35:06and the girl dropped it.
35:07We did the New Year's countdown by the water,
35:09and Mia told me to make a wish.
35:12Hope New Year, Syria Parent Healthy,
35:14Kinketing Under the World.
35:16I realized it was the first wish I'd ever made
35:18that had absolutely nothing to do with him.
35:20For a full six years of my life,
35:22every single wish I made had involved Asher in some way.
35:27Mia, Happy New Year!
35:29I felt genuinely happy.
35:31I knew I had finally, actually, completely let go.
35:35The first winter break of college,
35:37I missed my parents so badly I couldn't stand it.
35:40The second my last exam was done,
35:42I was on the first flight home.
35:44What I didn't expect was that Asher had come to the airport
35:47with my parents to pick me up.
35:49After half a year apart, we had both changed.
35:52He was thinner, had dyed his hair,
35:54but was still, honestly, annoyingly good-looking.
35:57I've always had terrible judgment about people,
35:59but my taste has never been the problem.
36:01Why else would I have been trailing after him since we were five?
36:05Hey there, big bro Asher.
36:06He stared at me like I'd spoken a different language.
36:09We ran into him outside.
36:11He insisted on coming along to help.
36:13I smiled and waved her off.
36:15It was fine.
36:17In the car, I immediately launched into all the funny things that had happened at school,
36:22and my parents were the whole ride.
36:24No one was paying any attention to Asher.
36:28You've worked hard.
36:29Please send our regards to your parents.
36:31He seemed like he wanted to come inside when we got home,
36:33but all three of us politely turned him down together.
36:36My grandma and my aunt had both come back to celebrate the holidays that year.
36:40New Year's Eve was loud and packed with family.
36:43After the big dinner, the older relatives parked themselves in front of the TV,
36:46while the rest of us were teaching each other card games.
36:49That's when Asher showed up at the door with his parents, arms full of bags.
36:53Our house is too quiet tonight.
36:55Hope you don't mind us crashing your game.
37:01Our house is too quiet tonight.
37:03Hope you don't mind us crashing your game.
37:04Asher's mom laughed as she walked in.
37:06Every year growing up, the two families had spent the holiday together.
37:10This year, because of everything that had happened,
37:13my mom had turned down the invitation to share the big dinner.
37:16But you can't exactly turn people away once they're at your door.
37:19Asher settled himself naturally.
37:21My cousins had no idea about any of the drama
37:24and kept teasing us like they always had.
37:26I laughed it off.
37:28It's not what you think.
37:30Asher's expression went a little flat.
37:32When midnight came and we all went outside for sparklers,
37:36he caught my arm and looked like he was working up to say something.
37:40My phone rang.
37:41My face went a little warm.
37:42It was a guy from one of my clubs at school.
37:46Hi, Stella.
37:47I'm just a bit bored and wanted to say Happy New Year to you.
37:50A local California boy named Jake.
37:53He was good looking too.
37:54Not in that cold, aloof way.
37:56More like the guy who's always laughing at everything
37:58and making you laugh right along with him.
38:01He never ran out of things to say
38:02and he had a way of making me completely lose it at the most random things.
38:07We talked for a while longer
38:08and when he finally hung up,
38:10Asher was standing right behind me with a face like a thundercloud.
38:14Boyfriend?
38:17Not yet, I guess.
38:21Not yet, I guess.
38:23I thought about it and answered honestly.
38:25I assumed he was done, but then he spoke again.
38:28Long distance guys aren't always reliable.
38:30You should find someone local, someone you actually know.
38:36I nodded.
38:37Something in that seemed to land somewhere tender.
38:39You're right.
38:40You really can't tell with people.
38:41I'll keep my guard up.
38:43Asher went quiet for a very long time.
38:46I assumed he was done.
38:47I didn't think too hard about it.
38:50Thanks for the advice, big bro.
38:52You should figure out your own situation too.
38:54He'd always been unpredictable like that.
38:56After that, I spent the rest of break bouncing around
38:59visiting relatives with my grandma and parents
39:01and then we did a little road trip.
39:03I was barely home.
39:04I didn't run into Asher once.
39:06The break was short and soon enough I was back at school.
39:09But the very next day after I arrived,
39:11Asher was standing outside my campus gate.
39:15Asher, what are you doing here?
39:17I wanted to see what your school looks like
39:20and check if you're actually doing okay out here.
39:23Really well, actually.
39:25The food here is amazing.
39:26You should look up some spots and try them.
39:28Stella, can't you come eat with me?
39:31Just once?
39:35Sorry about that, man.
39:36I've already got Stella booked.
39:37You'll have to get in line.
39:40Stella, you came back to school this early for him?
39:45Sorry, Asher.
39:46We're heading out to eat.
39:48I'll see you.
39:49Let's go.
39:50Didn't you say the place was far?
39:51Stop standing there.
39:52Asher was still standing at the campus gate watching us
39:55and under the shadow of the trees,
39:57he looked incredibly alone.
39:59He suddenly started showing up in my world constantly.
40:02I never found out what excuse he gave his school,
40:05but he kept appearing in California out of nowhere.
40:08He started showing up with gifts,
40:09flowers, bags, jewelry,
40:11and I turned every single one down.
40:13When there was nothing else to do,
40:15he'd just sit outside my dorm building
40:17and refused to leave no matter how many times I asked.
40:20Whenever he managed to catch me,
40:22he'd fallen to step beside me to every single class,
40:25then follow me to the dining hall.
40:26Jake was visibly miserable about the whole thing.
40:29Asher's mom had been calling and messaging me from multiple angles.
40:32She begged me to please talk some sense into him.
40:35I was beyond done.
40:36I genuinely could not figure out what Asher thought he was doing.
40:42Stella, why does Jake get to pursue you, but I don't?
40:45Son of a whitest ass.
40:48He's known you for, what, a few months?
40:50How many years have I known you?
40:53No one in this world understands you the way I do,
40:56not even your parents.
40:57And no one is better for you than me.
41:05Ashler, do you genuinely not remember what you did?
41:09Ask yourself honestly.
41:11Did you ever actually treat my feelings like they mattered?
41:16You just liked the ego boost of having me chase after you.
41:19You knew no matter what you did, I wouldn't leave,
41:22so you just did whatever you felt like with my heart.
41:26Yeah, I did some things wrong back then.
41:29I was young, I thought the whole world was waiting for me,
41:31and I didn't want to feel like I was tied to any one person.
41:35I owe you a real apology, Stella.
41:37I'm sorry.
41:39But even if you treat me like a stranger,
41:41can I at least have the chance to start over and earn it back?
41:44After you left, I realized I don't know how to live without you in it.
41:48I can't imagine going forward and not having anyone to share everything with.
41:52Honestly, since leaving you,
41:54I figured out that real, mutual feelings
41:57don't require you to shrink yourself down to nothing.
41:59I can just be myself.
42:00My mood doesn't have to orbit around someone else's,
42:03and when I realized that,
42:05I started to wonder if what I felt back then was ever real love,
42:08or just something a younger, more naive version of me invented.
42:15But, but, we made promises.
42:21We said we'd go to college together,
42:23study abroad together,
42:24travel the whole world together.
42:25Are you going to walk away from all of that too?
42:28Stella, are you going to leave all this behind too?
42:31You broke the promises first,
42:34and I've already found someone I want to do all of those things with.
42:39Stop, Stella, please, just stop.
42:47Maybe you're not actually in love with me.
42:49Maybe you just can't stand the idea of losing.
42:52Asher, honestly,
42:54it's time for you to move on too.
42:58I didn't wait for a response.
43:00Jake had been waiting across the street for a while.
43:02I jogged over,
43:03and he immediately reached down and took my hand.
43:08Finally shook the X?
43:11Did you tell him I've got full bug patrol rights now?
43:14He doesn't get a single one?
43:17Everyone is going through their own goodbyes.
43:19As for us,
43:21it's finally completely over.
43:24Fading away like the rain.
43:25Everyone in the middle of their own goodbye.
43:28And just like that,
43:29the two of us were finally, completely over.
43:32Scattered like rain.
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