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  • 08/06/2025
Roy Wood Jr is host, with guest panellists comedian and actor Guz Khan and broadcaster Kirsty Wark joining team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop as they delve into the news.

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00BOOM
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:41I'm Richard Aiwadi. In the news this week,
00:44at a leisure centre in Birmingham,
00:46Ozzy Osbourne begins to regret letting Sharon organise his surprise birthday treat.
00:52LAUGHTER
01:00As the government confirms a dramatic rise in defence spending,
01:04one minister puts on a brave face,
01:06as she has shown £10 million worth of equipment.
01:13LAUGHTER
01:16At a naval bait in Portsmouth, sailors test a new alarm system
01:19that emits a whistle whenever something undesirable approaches the ships.
01:23LAUGHTER
01:26In Moscow, Russians finally find out what Vladimir Putin has done
01:35with all the milk bottle tops they've been told to send in.
01:39LAUGHTER
01:44At a school talent show near Hinkley Point,
01:46one pupil shows off the benefits of living so close to a nuclear power station.
01:50And at an end-of-year graduation party, one guest calls her to make,
02:03you know my idea for a fancy dress costume?
02:05You didn't tell anyone else about it, did you?
02:07LAUGHTER
02:09LAUGHTER
02:14On Ian's team tonight is a sports broadcaster
02:16who will soon be presenting Match of the Day.
02:18And, in case she's wondering,
02:19I know as much about football as the next man,
02:22who, unfortunately for her, is Ian Hislop.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:25Please welcome Kelly Cates.
02:28APPLAUSE
02:30And Paul's team tonight is a comedian who, in a recent interview,
02:35bemoaned the general decline in British manners.
02:38So, please give a considerate and respectful welcome
02:41to our very special guest,
02:43the supremely funny and talented bastard Jack D.
02:45APPLAUSE
02:51We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:53Ian and Kelly, here are yours.
02:55Ah, it's Winston Churchill.
02:58Oh, no, it's Keir Starmer.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:01Here's a drone.
03:02And...
03:04There's another one.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:07It's Dad's Army.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:10Well, it really is Dad's Army.
03:11LAUGHTER
03:13So, it looks as though they've found a way for the pensioners
03:15to earn their winter fuel payments, doesn't it?
03:17Yes.
03:18But we're at war.
03:20Well, give it a moment, Ian.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:23So, this is the Strategic Defence Review.
03:25What did Keir Starmer promise?
03:2712 nuclear subs...
03:29Mm-hm.
03:30..ready to attack...
03:32..someone.
03:33Yes.
03:34I'm not sure who the enemy is now.
03:36It might be the United States.
03:37LAUGHTER
03:38It's apparently anyone who thinks they're hard enough.
03:41LAUGHTER
03:43Anyone who shouts, you and whose army.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:46Which is great, cos there's a load of 18-year-olds
03:48being sent over on their gap year to go and fight the war for us.
03:51Yeah, it would be good if Russia ever attack Iyanapa.
03:54Yeah.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:56We'll be ready for them.
03:58Yeah.
03:59But they're very good with computer games.
04:01Yeah.
04:02So, all the people who are playing Call of Duty will now...
04:05..will now do it for real.
04:07Yeah.
04:08Actually not doing shoot-em-ups.
04:09They'll actually literally be...
04:10Yeah.
04:11They'll be fighting from home.
04:12Yeah.
04:13I'm at war, I can't come now.
04:16LAUGHTER
04:17We will fight them from the bedroom.
04:19Yeah.
04:20Right now, actually, certain sections of the army are ready to strike
04:23at a moment's notice.
04:25LAUGHTER
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27Yeah.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:29THEY CONFER
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31APPLAUSE
04:32THEY CONFER
04:33APPLAUSE
04:34THEY CONFER
04:36APPLAUSE
04:38Is that a real advert?
04:53I directed it. Did you? I wish.
04:57Why, according to the Telegraph, should we not be worrying about what happened in 2034?
05:02Because we won't exist. You're exactly right. It'll all be over by then.
05:07The very happy Telegraph claims that global conflict will have kicked off in 2027.
05:12Global conflict may be just two years away.
05:14Companies from supermarket chains to Silicon Valley technology giants
05:17are all drawing up plans to keep running during wartime.
05:21Which is what I plan to do.
05:27What would you do if nuclear annihilation is round the corner?
05:32There was a thing during the 1980s where they said there used to be a sitcom
05:36called Terry and June, and apparently if nuclear warfare was heading our way
05:39a three-minute warning, the BBC would start putting out Terry and June
05:42to calm people down, you know?
05:44Yes.
05:45And I always...
05:46If I turned the TV on and Terry and June was on, I always consulted the radio
05:48times to make sure there was a scheduled show in.
05:51I don't know, there's not going to be a nuclear war, is there?
05:53And if I'm proved wrong, I'll be the first to apologize.
05:56Yes.
05:57Now, in terms of the wider spending review, who else is demanding money
06:03from the government?
06:05Everyone?
06:06Teachers?
06:07Sure.
06:08Doctors?
06:09Nurses?
06:10They've got enough, Ian.
06:11Police?
06:12The police?
06:13Thank you, Jack.
06:14The police.
06:15Senior police chiefs have warned that they will have to de-prioritise.
06:18Adding, if funding is cut, that means some crimes must be ignored.
06:24How will we tell?
06:26LAUGHTER
06:31In other police news, can anyone tell me what's going on here?
06:35Oh, it's savage cuts.
06:37LAUGHTER
06:40Used to be a bloke under that.
06:42This is Superintendent Paul Allen, who found his missing hat almost 25 years
06:47after he lost it.
06:48Mm-hm.
06:49Funny thing, it was on his head the whole time.
06:51LAUGHTER
06:52No, it wasn't.
06:53I'm just being humorous.
06:54It was found in a quarry in Leicestershire and handed in by a member
06:58of the public.
06:59Who decided that was a story?
07:01LAUGHTER
07:04I think the police are so hard up for good news stories.
07:07Yeah, we've sold something, here we go, yeah.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:12Maybe they'd get onto finding my missing motorbike.
07:14Yeah.
07:15No, no, no.
07:16And how do they know it was his hat?
07:17I mean, they look very similar, don't they?
07:18It had his name written on a little name count.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21Did it?
07:22Or have you just made that up?
07:23God, you're good.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:26He said, we might hand it over to our archivist,
07:30because this story is probably worth telling again...
07:32LAUGHTER
07:34..when I retire.
07:35I wouldn't open the memoir with that.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38Now, do the police ever wear helmets any more?
07:40Or is it just hats?
07:41What's happened to the helmets?
07:42Apparently there's a quarry with hundreds of them.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:45Right.
07:46Well, this lively conversation has given me an idea...
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50..for a new game, a very fun game, called Hat or Helmet.
07:54Would you like to play?
07:55I'll take that as a yes.
07:57Yeah, sure.
07:58This is how it works.
07:59There will be some people in the news in a hat or a helmet...
08:01Right.
08:02..and you have to tell me who they are...
08:04Oh, who they are, OK.
08:05..and why they're in the news.
08:06OK.
08:07Is it a buzz-around?
08:08Yeah.
08:09Um, no.
08:10Oh.
08:11It's not a buzz-around.
08:12That would make no sense within the format.
08:13OK.
08:14OK, well, I don't know it yet.
08:15Yeah, we don't know the format yet.
08:16I don't know if you're going to show a picture and we had to come in today.
08:17Yeah, we are.
08:18But, you know, OK, I'm sorry.
08:19I'm only trying to help out.
08:20LAUGHTER
08:21Ian.
08:22Yes?
08:23You start.
08:24Would you like hat or helmet?
08:25Uh, hat, please.
08:26Let's go for it.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:32It's Robert Jenrick.
08:33It is.
08:34The story is he's been going down the tube...
08:36Um...
08:37LAUGHTER
08:38Literally.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:40He's not the Tory leader but he'd quite like to be.
08:42So he's leading a campaign against crime, which is quite amusing...
08:46Yes.
08:47..during a property deal with a Tory donor called Richard Desmond.
08:50The judge described him and his behaviour as unlawful.
08:53I just bring that up in the hope that someone, somewhere,
08:56will allow me to say it again.
08:58LAUGHTER
09:00He's a one-man vigilante...
09:01Yes.
09:02..on the London Underground pointing out fair dodgers...
09:05Mm, yeah.
09:06..and pointing them out with extreme force.
09:07Yes.
09:09Excuse me.
09:10Do you think it's all right not to pay?
09:11Seriously, why don't you go back to the barry and pay?
09:13Do you want to go back and pay like everybody else?
09:15Do you think it's all right not to pay?
09:16Why don't you go back and pay?
09:17F*** off.
09:18You can say f*** off as much as you want.
09:21But everyone else has to pay.
09:22You're carrying a knife, do you say?
09:24It's the same with bike theft, phone theft, tool theft, shoplifting,
09:28drugs in town centres, weird Turkish barbershops.
09:37I'm confused though, is that a barbershop specifically serving weird Turks?
09:41That's right.
09:42I mean, whoever gave him that haircut, fair enough.
09:45It is pretty weird.
09:46The key issue is what did Hello Good Morning Susannah Reid think?
09:51She was furious.
09:52She was furious.
09:53Because she said he should have picked up on the fact that someone said
09:56they were carrying a knife because, as she quite rightly said,
09:59if her children were travelling on the tube, she'd much rather they
10:02were sat next to someone who jumped a barrier than someone who was
10:05carrying a knife.
10:06Let's see Susannah put the case herself.
10:08Did you report to the police that you'd been told someone was carrying
10:11a knife on the tube?
10:13I haven't done, but...
10:14Why not?
10:16Well, I didn't feel the need to do that.
10:19Why not?
10:21Well, it's not about me, the video, is it?
10:23You made it all about me.
10:25The video is literally all about you.
10:28You say that, but that's not what...
10:30It's you walking around tube stations confronting people.
10:34Well, well...
10:36Absolutely rinsed.
10:38Got rinsed.
10:39This week, Robert Jenrick tried to bolster his Tory leadership
10:42credentials by filming himself confronting fair dodgers.
10:45According to The Sun, Jenrick was repeatedly told to fuck off.
10:51He then left his house.
10:53He then left his house.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:59See?
11:00What a great round.
11:01Hat or helmet?
11:02Is that the end of it?
11:03No, no, no, no.
11:04Jack, hat or helmet?
11:06I'm going to push the envelope now.
11:08Oh, yeah.
11:09It's balaclava.
11:11Berry.
11:12Oh, I'm going helmet.
11:13Helmet.
11:14Yeah, go on then.
11:15Let's go for helmet.
11:20What is this?
11:21Er, it's a helmet.
11:23Yeah.
11:24Yeah.
11:25I was right.
11:26It's an ash tree.
11:27It's an ash tree.
11:28That's what's on his head.
11:29To highlight the threat of ash dieback disease
11:32to ash trees in Southampton.
11:34Do you know, I think we could probably drop the helmet part
11:36of this for me.
11:39I think if we drop that, I don't know where we are, Paul.
11:42We're on hat.
11:43OK.
11:44He wore this helmet.
11:45Yes.
11:46It is a helmet.
11:47It is a helmet, yeah.
11:48It is a democracy meeting.
11:49Species which can't speak or vote in elections,
11:52and there are too many.
11:53Hmm.
11:54We're represented at a meeting of Southampton Council
11:56as part of its campaign to become a national park city.
11:59Let's take a look at what went down.
12:01I am the foxglove and I represent all the wildflowers.
12:05I am nettle.
12:07We have been misunderstood.
12:09I am an estuary and I'm here because estuines are being cut down
12:13because of an ash dieback.
12:15Envision a Southampton where people and nature co-exist harmoniously.
12:21We acknowledge our respect for the world.
12:26Is there much to do in Southampton?
12:30Is that an official council meeting?
12:32It's an interspecies council meeting in Southampton.
12:34That's right.
12:35Right.
12:36Where were you, Ian?
12:37LAUGHTER
12:38Kelly.
12:39Yes.
12:40Hat or helmet?
12:41Helmet, please, Richard.
12:42Oh!
12:43I really was looking for you to say hat.
12:45Hat, please, Richard.
12:47You've only got one helmet question.
12:49That's one of the problems of the format.
12:50LAUGHTER
12:52APPLAUSE
12:58There's so little helmet news.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:01OK, who's this?
13:03We don't know who that is.
13:08It's Elon Two Hats Musk.
13:09Yep.
13:10He's finally snapped after spending almost a year in Donald Trump's inner circle.
13:14Yep.
13:15Is that a euphemism?
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17I mean, it's also a medical condition.
13:20LAUGHTER
13:21He said what he thinks of the president's plans for a massive tax cut.
13:24Yes.
13:25The big bill, it's an abomination.
13:26Yes.
13:27He's called Trump's big, beautiful bill.
13:29An outrageous, pork-filled abomination of a spending bill.
13:32Why is pork-filled a phrase that they use?
13:34What does that mean?
13:35Because it's pork-barrel politics.
13:36Oh.
13:37What does that mean?
13:38Which is corruption and...
13:39I mean, I'm just not specifically pointing at the two people in this story
13:43when I use that word corruption.
13:44Yeah.
13:45Much.
13:46It was a big giveaway budget, wasn't it?
13:47Mm-hm.
13:48And Musk wants spending cut and taxes for very, very rich people cut as well.
13:52And he's got a black eye as well.
13:53Yeah.
13:54Because he's got a black eye.
13:55He asked his five-year-old child to punch him in the face.
13:56A five-year-old child is called X.
13:57That's why he hit him.
13:58Yeah.
13:59And I think the phrase X marks the spot has never been more...
14:00LAUGHTER
14:01..acquirely used.
14:02Thank you very much.
14:03OK.
14:04New bit?
14:05Are we at war?
14:06There's some news.
14:27Elon Musk and Donald Trump's war of words.
14:29It has bitterly escalated.
14:31on Truth Social that Musk was wearing thin and threatened to
14:36terminate Elon's governmental subsidies and contracts and Musk
14:39hit back on X by saying, time to drop the really big bomb.
14:43At real Donald Trump is in the Epstein files.
14:46That is the real reason they have not been made public.
14:50Have a nice day, DJT.
15:01We'll call it an amicable split.
15:06We don't know whether this is true because our source is Elon Musk.
15:11And a website called Truth Social.
15:13Truth Social.
15:15Run by a liar.
15:17So I'm just throwing it in, keep the lawyers awake.
15:20I'll keep the lawyers awake, I say it's true!
15:24True!
15:25APPLAUSE
15:28Trump has also accused the BBC of lying.
15:32Yes, that's right.
15:33About its account of what happened in Gaza at the aid centre,
15:37which is fairly extraordinary.
15:38A man who lied about winning the election ends up thinking
15:41that the real villain in the entire Middle East is the BBC.
15:45LAUGHTER
15:47For reporting on shooting people who are starving.
15:49I'm... I just bring that up.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:52Of course, we're going to end Hat and Helmet with a bonus round.
15:55Yeah.
15:56What is this and how does it perform a similar function to a helmet?
16:01LAUGHTER
16:02BUZZER
16:03BUZZER
16:04Yes.
16:05It's grass.
16:06That's right.
16:07LAUGHTER
16:09And if you put it on your head and someone hits you,
16:13it softens the blow.
16:15LAUGHTER
16:16You speak from experience.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:19Yeah, I mean, you're pretty close.
16:21It's a ceremonial sod.
16:23I've been called that before.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:25Not just once.
16:26Yeah.
16:27That's been used in the Cornish town of Helston.
16:30Oh, where they have the dance.
16:32Yes.
16:33Anyone else been, seen the dance?
16:34No.
16:35You've had sad lives.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38Ian, when you said the dance, was it just you in a field?
16:41LAUGHTER
16:42This is a ceremonial sod that's been used in the Cornish town of Helston
16:45in the centuries-old tradition of beating the bounds.
16:48According to the Falmouth packet, the tradition involves local people
16:52being lifted up and having their heads banged on a boundary marker,
16:55protected by a sod of turf.
16:57Yes.
16:58But why was it in the news this week, though?
17:00Because the sod of turf wasn't there and he knocked his brains out.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:06Very sad.
17:07And he's now joined Reform.
17:08LAUGHTER
17:09Yes.
17:10The tradition was threatened because Helston Council were worried that
17:12their insurance would no longer cover them if they organised a headbanger.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:18So they gave permission for a local church to take over the event instead,
17:21provided that people were given the option not to have their heads bashed
17:23on a stone.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:25There you go.
17:26It doesn't look like he's volunteering to do...
17:28LAUGHTER
17:29Big crowd, though.
17:30Yeah.
17:31Yeah.
17:32This is the first strategic defence review since 1989.
17:34This is a bit of a segue.
17:35We were sort of going back to defence...
17:36LAUGHTER
17:37In a way, we're going to lean very heavily on the edit in this one.
17:41Yeah, I think so.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:43LAUGHTER
17:44This is a bit of a segue.
17:45We were sort of going back to defence...
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47In a way, we're going to lean very heavily on the edit in this one.
17:51Yeah, I think so.
17:52LAUGHTER
17:55We're actually going to cut away to an episode of...
17:57Terry and June.
17:58Yeah, to Terry and June.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:00Then a bit of nuclear countdown and back to this.
18:02Yeah.
18:03I think, actually, in the edit, they'll probably reverse it,
18:05start with the end of the show and then do Hat or Helmet at the end.
18:07Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:08Just...
18:09Just after the credits.
18:10Yeah.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:12When there's another programme on.
18:14Yeah.
18:15I think that's the way you'll know there's a nuclear war,
18:17cos they'll be playing Hat or Helmet.
18:18Yeah.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:25Try this for a segue now.
18:26Yeah.
18:27According to The Guardian, Keir Starmer has pledged to make Britain
18:29battle-ready with drones.
18:31Happily, we already have some of the best drone pilots in the world
18:34standing outside prisons delivering mobile phones.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:38It's true!
18:40LAUGHTER
18:42One military expert said that in future,
18:44all wars could be fought by robots.
18:46Cool!
18:47LAUGHTER
18:48Meanwhile, the Cornish Beating the Bound ceremony is going ahead
18:53after a health and safety review.
18:55Here is the stone in full.
18:57Which also marks a spot where someone buried their beloved pencil.
19:01LAUGHTER
19:07Paul and Jack?
19:08Yes.
19:09Here are yours.
19:10OK.
19:11Well, there's someone writing Keir Starmer's speech.
19:16One of Trump's saner moments.
19:18What are they?
19:19Sausage rolls.
19:20Sausage rolls.
19:21Yeah, yeah.
19:22Madame Tussauds did a waxwork model of a sausage roll.
19:26Yes.
19:27Presumably to try and get more scaffolders through the doors.
19:31LAUGHTER
19:32This is the thing, I don't know if it's an urban myth,
19:34but I've heard that if you have a model, your model done,
19:37Madame Tussauds, and then you fall out of favour,
19:40it gets melted down and turned into someone more famous.
19:44Yes.
19:46And I'm just thinking, who did they melt down to get that?
19:48And what was that phone call from the agent like?
19:51LAUGHTER
19:53Yeah, I've got some more bad news for you.
19:55You've become David Beckham's arse.
19:57LAUGHTER
19:58You're completely right.
19:59This is news that a Greg's sausage roll is the first food item
20:02to be immortalised in Madame Tussauds.
20:05Greg's is Britain's favourite baker.
20:06Yes.
20:07As we know, even Keir Starmer has been known to pop in on his way
20:10to work and ask for a Greg's hostage roll.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:15They are celebrating cultural icons, that's what they're doing.
20:18Right.
20:19Right.
20:20And it's a very specific thing.
20:21A million are bought every day and it will be on display
20:24in the Culture Capital section of the museum,
20:27dedicated to icons that have helped shape Britain.
20:30That shape is a beast.
20:32Yes.
20:33The sausage roll will be displayed alongside fellow cultural icons
20:36David Attenborough and Shakespeare.
20:38Here it is.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:41Are you sure that's not bacon?
20:43Exactly.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:47LAUGHTER
20:49There are so many other sausage roll Shakespeare jokes available.
20:52LAUGHTER
20:54Well, it's been praised to the hilt, this sausage roll,
20:57for looking exactly like the real thing.
20:59and having the same nutritional value.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:03Who isn't going to be made into a waxwork?
21:05Me.
21:06I mean, there's got to be a long list of people who aren't going
21:07to be made into a waxwork.
21:08Yeah.
21:09You're right, you're right.
21:10That wasn't there.
21:11Most of the population.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:13Is it someone who wanted to be...?
21:14Well, maybe they would want to.
21:16Yeah.
21:17Keir Starmer, no...
21:18Yes.
21:19Yes.
21:20Keir Starmer.
21:21Really?
21:22They've said they won't be making waxwork of him,
21:23as they're not sure he'll be relevant in five years.
21:25LAUGHTER
21:29It's harsh.
21:30Yeah.
21:31Yeah.
21:32Or now.
21:33LAUGHTER
21:34What was happening here?
21:36Mm.
21:38There was a waxwork model of Macron got stolen...
21:41Yes.
21:42..by Greenpeace or...
21:44Yeah, that's right, yes.
21:46I always think with these people...
21:47I know they mean well, but every time you see them,
21:49you just think, oh, if you're the alternative,
21:52I just say, bring on the end of the world, really,
21:55because...
21:56LAUGHTER
21:57If that's what we've got to look forward to,
21:59then, Frank, I'm ready.
22:01LAUGHTER
22:02We've had a good innings.
22:04Yeah.
22:05Let's just crunch on the caps, you'll get it done with.
22:07Yes.
22:08You are getting cheerier in your old age, aren't you?
22:10You know, you've got to look on the bright side.
22:12LAUGHTER
22:13Finally, who wants to see the waxworks of William and Kate
22:16at the Polonia Wax Museum?
22:18Yes.
22:19Yes!
22:20LAUGHTER
22:25Have Thunderbirds been told about this?
22:27LAUGHTER
22:28This is the news that Madame Tussaud has created a waxwork
22:31of a Greg sausage roll.
22:33Having crafted a sausage roll, Madame Tussaud
22:35are keen to feature more foodstuffs.
22:37They are currently working on a Pizza Express margarita pizza,
22:40which obviously will be nowhere near.
22:42The Prince Andrew exhibit.
22:44LAUGHTER
22:46Time now for round two.
22:48The swirl of news.
22:49Fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:51Activate the swirl.
22:53BUZZER
22:55Ho-ho-ho!
22:56Fantastic.
22:57Look at that for special effects.
22:59BUZZER
23:00Men's shorts are getting shorter.
23:03You're completely right.
23:04This is the news that short shorts are in fashion for men this summer.
23:07Yes.
23:08And what has a trend been dubbed?
23:10The short short trend.
23:11Yes.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:14You haven't got one of those capsules, have you?
23:16LAUGHTER
23:17I'll tell you what it's called.
23:20Thigh Guy Summer.
23:22Thigh Guy Summer?
23:24That's right.
23:25Who's calling it that?
23:26Everyone.
23:27Everyone.
23:28Absolutely everyone.
23:29And we do have a picture of some very short shorts.
23:34Yeah.
23:35That's a pair with a five-inch inseam on morning television.
23:38And that is when the authorities picked him up.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:44He looks like the two halves of his body are going to different events.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:49Yes.
23:50Yes.
23:51How do you feel about short shorts in general, Kelly?
23:53I mean, on young and, you know...
23:56How young?
23:57Like...
23:58LAUGHTER
23:59Bear in mind the history of BBC presenters.
24:03LAUGHTER
24:04I've played that answer back in my head and I'd like to withdraw it.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10But footballers' shorts have got shorter.
24:12Do they get shorter and longer over the years?
24:14Yeah, they were quite long in the 90s.
24:16Yeah.
24:17And then the shorter ones are sort of coming back.
24:19Can you identify a footballer from their shorts?
24:21No.
24:22Bad luck.
24:23LAUGHTER
24:24Let's have a look at the picture.
24:25I want you to identify this footballer.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:29I feel like if I could identify a footballer from this picture,
24:32I wouldn't be doing my job properly.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:35Ian, do you want to guess?
24:37It's Gary Lineker.
24:38You're right!
24:39Is it?
24:40Yes.
24:41Of course it is.
24:42Well, it didn't take him long to get a new job, did it?
24:43Yeah.
24:44Is he presenting Crutch of the Day?
24:45Yes.
24:46Is there any explanation for that, Pato?
24:47It just...
24:48No, no.
24:49It's just...
24:50Yeah.
24:51It was just in my wallet.
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53What tip did fashion stylist Luke Day...
24:56You know Luke Day.
24:57Yes.
24:58Mm.
24:59Mm.
25:00Mm.
25:01Mm.
25:02Mm.
25:03Mm.
25:04Mm.
25:05Mm.
25:06Mm.
25:07Mm.
25:08Mm.
25:09Mm.
25:10Mm.
25:11Great advice I have for anyone wanting to don a pair of short shorts.
25:15Who needs advice for putting on shorts?
25:16Come on.
25:17Are you trying to put Luke Day out of a job?
25:18Yes.
25:19Well...
25:20Luke Day recommends that first-timers choose a thicker fabric and size up saying
25:24you want a bit of room, it's not about compression.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:27And because we do...
25:28We've played Hat or Helmet.
25:29Yes, we have.
25:30LAUGHTER
25:32Now's not the time.
25:33No.
25:34No.
25:35That round has gone.
25:36Yep.
25:37This is the news that apparently short shorts are going to be this
25:40are going to be this year's summer fashion for men.
25:43Personally, I would love to wear Speedos,
25:45but you just can't get them in corduroy.
25:47I mean, that's...
25:49You can, that's it. You can. You've just got to pay.
25:54One designer offering shorter shorts is, according to The Guardian,
25:58All Bar Brown, a resort wear brand that has been worn by David Cameron.
26:02In fact, they've just signed a big-money sponsorship deal
26:04with David Cameron to stop him wearing them.
26:06Fingers on buzzers, teams. Activate the swirl.
26:17This is Paris Saint-Germain, who have just won the Champions League
26:20by beating Inter Milan 5-0.
26:22That is exactly right.
26:24Paris Saint-Germain have won the Champions League
26:27by the largest margin in history.
26:29It's extraordinary, isn't it? Gosh, I can't get it.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:33PRS... No, sorry, that's my accountants.
26:37PSG, owned by the Qataris,
26:41beat all the English clubs in the tournament.
26:43So they're good at football.
26:44I'm going to say that's the main criteria for winning the Champions League.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:49Look, Ian, relax.
26:50The UEFA Super Cup is coming up soon.
26:53It's in August, and that's when PSG play Tottenham,
26:56so I'll see you down there.
26:57Yep.
26:58And the Women's Euros in between.
27:00Where's that?
27:02LAUGHTER
27:03Europe.
27:05OK.
27:06Good. And it's always in Europe, is it?
27:09LAUGHTER
27:10I guess this must be why I keep missing it.
27:12LAUGHTER
27:13Now, are you set for Match of the Day, Kelly?
27:15Do you have Twitter?
27:16I did have Twitter, but I deleted it way before Match of the Day.
27:19OK.
27:20Yeah, so that's not a temptation for me.
27:23OK.
27:24But I did think the most sensible thing to do to distance myself
27:26from the previous era was to come on a satirical topical news quiz.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:32It's all right, I'll handle the Gaza questions.
27:34Yeah.
27:35LAUGHTER
27:37And you can do the Gaza questions.
27:40LAUGHTER
27:43Kelly, you managed to upset a couple of fellow North Westerners.
27:46What did I do?
27:47Well, perhaps we should look at what you did.
27:50After three wins in four, particularly after the win against Biden,
27:53we're expecting he's going to be in a good mood.
27:54How significant was that last win?
27:56It was a huge win.
27:57I mean, as you think,
27:59Michael was going to relegation,
28:01David, which was the last win before, as well.
28:03Yes, I mean, Michael's on the 12th at this late stage.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:08Was it done as an April Fool joke or something?
28:10No, they just aren't very good at walking and talking.
28:14They were supposed to answer...
28:16Yes. ..and then go.
28:17Right.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:20But they made it look natural.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:25In other news, a hybrid sport is gaining popularity in the UK.
28:31Do you know which activities it combined?
28:33Two activities.
28:34Is it bankruptcy proceedings and croquet?
28:36LAUGHTER
28:38It is rugby and swimming.
28:41Oh!
28:42To create underwater rugby.
28:45Incredibly dangerous scrum.
28:47Yeah.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:49Nick Harvey, founder of Pure Underwater Rugby Guildford,
28:53described the sport as beautiful.
28:55LAUGHTER
28:56Let's have a look at the beautiful game.
28:59Some things don't need invented, do they?
29:10LAUGHTER
29:11And if you're wondering, when you come up for air, Nick has the answer.
29:15When is a good time to come up for air, for example?
29:17Well, when you have to breathe.
29:18LAUGHTER
29:19This is the news that Paris Saint-Germain have won the Champions League.
29:21PSG defeated four Premier League teams on their way to the final.
29:22Some football experts attributed this to the English club's heavier schedule.
29:24Other pundits put it down to an inability to modernise their tactics,
29:27while Gary Lineker blamed Benjamin Netanyahu.
29:28LAUGHTER
29:29It's good that someone does.
29:30Just saying.
29:31LAUGHTER
29:32APPLAUSE
29:33BING IS ON BUMBAZARDS!
29:35BING IS ON BUMBAZARD!
29:36To make the swirl.
29:37Yeah, it's swirl!
29:38Oh, swirl!
29:39BING IS ON BUMBAZARD!
29:42BING IS ON BUMBAZARD!
29:43MUSIC PLAYS
29:44IN WHITE SONG
29:46And in the final, some football experts attributed this to the English club's
29:48heavier schedule.
29:49Other pundits put it down to an inability to modernise their tactics,
29:52while Gary Lineker blamed Benjamin Netanyahu.
29:55It's good that someone does.
29:56BING IS ON BUMBAZARD!
29:56BING IS ON BUMBAZARD!
29:59BING IS ON BUMBAZARD!
30:01BING IS ON BUMBAZARD!
30:02Yes. Horses.
30:10Horses have expressions, don't they?
30:14That's exactly right. Horses have 22 facial expressions.
30:17Why don't they use them, then?
30:19That's 21 more than me.
30:21How do we know that they have so many?
30:25Scientists have observed them. That's right.
30:28What other answer could there be?
30:30A horse wrote a letter into the Times.
30:34Let's test this out, shall we? I'll show your horse.
30:36Oh, no, don't. Yes. Go on, then.
30:38And you have to tell me how it's feeling.
30:40OK, definitely. Yeah, all right.
30:42First one, what's this expression telling you?
30:44Nostalgic. Flirtatious.
30:46Flirtatious. Definitely flirtatious.
30:49Again, remember, you work for the BUC. Let's not escalate this.
30:53I don't want to jump over anything else today.
30:56But what about the horse, Jack?
30:59LAUGHTER
31:05This...is a happy horse.
31:08Is it?
31:09It's a happy horse, a horse that's pushing its nose forward
31:11as a sign that it's feeling friendly and in a good mood.
31:14Why has he got the same haircut as Adolf Hitler?
31:17LAUGHTER
31:19I said it was a happy horse. I didn't say it wasn't a fascist horse.
31:22LAUGHTER
31:24Fair enough.
31:25What's going on with this nag?
31:28That's existential despair.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:32That's aggressive, isn't it? That's definitely aggressive.
31:34Yes. Yeah.
31:35You can read your horses, Paul. Yeah.
31:37Yeah.
31:38The ears are flat, the nostrils are flared.
31:40This horse is furious.
31:42I thought flared nostrils went out in the 70s.
31:45LAUGHTER
31:46They're coming back with short shorts.
31:47Yeah.
31:48Short snorts, even.
31:49Yes, exactly.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:51I can't help feel that we've been led down this path.
31:54Yeah.
31:55Naysayers be damned.
31:56LAUGHTER
31:57In other animal news, what has gone on display in Amsterdam's
32:01Rijksmuseum?
32:02Was it a condom?
32:03That's right.
32:04Yeah.
32:05There was a very old condom.
32:06There's a museum for such things in Amsterdam.
32:08The Sex Museum.
32:09There's a sex museum.
32:10Is it?
32:11The Sex Museum.
32:12Protesting a bit too much, though.
32:13LAUGHTER
32:14Is it a sex museum?
32:15Protesting a bit too much, though.
32:16LAUGHTER
32:17Is it a sex museum?
32:18Yeah.
32:19For people who want to remember what sex is.
32:20Yes.
32:21And it is on display in the Rijksmuseum.
32:22Do you know what it's made from?
32:23Sheep's guts.
32:24Sheep's appendix.
32:25Sheep's appendix.
32:26Sheep's appendix.
32:27That's right.
32:28Do you want to see it?
32:29Yeah, go on, then.
32:30Here we go.
32:31Features a rare erotic hetching depicting a party-undressed nun pointing at the erect genitals of three clergymen.
32:37LAUGHTER
32:50And in other news...
32:52Would you like to see an otter playing basketball?
32:55LAUGHTER
32:58I think we should have a vote on it, really.
33:00If you'd like to see it, say yes.
33:02Yes!
33:03Yes!
33:04No, we don't.
33:05OK.
33:06That's why we don't have referendums.
33:07Yeah.
33:08Here it is.
33:09Go on, then.
33:10Good girl.
33:11Basket!
33:12Good job.
33:13Basket.
33:14Good.
33:15Three.
33:17Good, Juno.
33:20Juno, basket.
33:21Good job.
33:26Oh, OK, I'm glad we saw that.
33:28Yeah.
33:29That was better than the underwater rugby.
33:31Yes.
33:32They're playing them next week.
33:33Oh!
33:36There's inter-species things everywhere.
33:38It is.
33:39It is.
33:40Don't tie us into that edit.
33:42LAUGHTER
33:49Time now for the odd one-out round.
33:51Just one between you this week.
33:53Your four are Alexander Cumming,
33:55Scottish antlers tea,
33:57chicken tikka masala
33:58and Kelly Cates.
33:59BUZZER
34:00You're Scottish, aren't you?
34:01Is there a Scotland theme?
34:02Yes.
34:04Things that are actually invented in Scotland,
34:07or born in Scotland, or are Scottish.
34:09OK, but what's the odd one-out?
34:11The odd one-out is Kelly.
34:13No, no, no, I was born in Scotland.
34:15OK.
34:16I can't talk about where I was conceived.
34:19I don't have the information on that.
34:20I didn't ask.
34:21LAUGHTER
34:22What's the match of the day is going to be like?
34:26It wasn't during the 1975 European Cup final, was it?
34:30Was there a strange etching on the condor?
34:33LAUGHTER
34:35Chicken tikka masala, I think, may have been in a Glasgow Indian restaurant.
34:40Yeah.
34:41I'm going to say Scottish antlers tea is probably the odd one,
34:44just from...
34:45It's not really...
34:46It's not from Scotland, yeah.
34:47It's...
34:48The man told people it was grown in Scotland,
34:50but was he buying tea at a cheaper price abroad
34:52than selling it to restaurants over here,
34:54pretending it was Scottish tea, but it wasn't?
34:56You're right.
34:57They're all Scottish apart from Scottish antlers tea,
34:59which turned out not to be.
35:01Thomas Robinson, how much did he make?
35:03Millions.
35:04Half a million.
35:05Right.
35:06By fraudulently claiming Scottish antlers tea was grown
35:08on a plantation in Perthshire.
35:10When, in fact, he just imported cheap tea by the tonne from abroad.
35:14Yes.
35:15The head of food standards in Scotland, Ron McNaughton, said...
35:19This was a highly complex and protracted investigation
35:21which required a significant amount of time and expertise.
35:24Expertise which required asking,
35:27is there a tea plantation on Miss Robinson's farm in Perthshire?
35:31No.
35:33LAUGHTER
35:35Chicken tikka masala is often claimed as a Scottish invention.
35:37How did it come about?
35:39Well, it was...
35:40There's a story behind it.
35:42Yeah.
35:43And...
35:44LAUGHTER
35:45We're all tired, Geoff.
35:47Yeah.
35:48Is it tomato soup?
35:49That is part of the recipe.
35:51Yeah, you're on the way.
35:52The origin story, and I hope to see the Marvel film...
35:55LAUGHTER
35:57Is a Scottish Pakistani chef, Ali Ahmed Aslam, claimed to have created
36:02the dish in the 1970s when a customer ordered a chicken tikka and said
36:07to Aslam, I'd take some sauce with that, this is a bit dry.
36:10That's the origin...
36:11Obviously, they'd have to pad it out in the writing.
36:13Yes.
36:14LAUGHTER
36:15Alexander Cumming you were asking about.
36:16Yes.
36:17He's a Scotsman.
36:18Yes.
36:19What did he do?
36:20He didn't invent.
36:21Do you know?
36:22Has he got something to do with Dominic Cumming?
36:23He didn't invent him.
36:24No.
36:25And he was the first person, I can't believe you don't know this,
36:28to patent a design for the flushing toilet back in 1775.
36:32Oh, really?
36:33Big year.
36:34And...
36:35I thought that was Thomas Crapper.
36:36Yes.
36:37He came later and was the inventor of the U-Bend, thank you,
36:40and the ball-cock.
36:41OK.
36:42Right?
36:43OK.
36:44I mean, that's why we say the word crap came from that.
36:45Yeah, Thomas Crapper.
36:46He's going for a crap.
36:47Yeah, yeah.
36:48Otherwise, he'd be saying, I'm just going for a cumming.
36:49Yeah.
36:54What was the pitfall with earlier flushing systems?
36:57Oh...
36:58Splashback.
36:59Thank you for having the courage to mention it.
37:02In the 16th century...
37:04Yes.
37:05Each flush required 7.5 gallons of water.
37:07Right.
37:08That's too much water.
37:09Yes.
37:10So it was recommended that up to 20 people should use the toilet
37:12between each flush.
37:14It's all right if you're the first.
37:15Yeah.
37:16They're all Scottish, apart from Scottish antlers tea,
37:20which turned out to be a fraud.
37:22Brilliant.
37:23Edinburgh-born Alexander Cumming invented the S-Bend,
37:25a feature of many toilets today which prevents sewer emissions
37:28emerging from the pipe.
37:29See terms of water?
37:30It can be done.
37:31LAUGHTER
37:33Time now for the missing words round, which this week features
37:36as its guest publication, Rollerrag.
37:38And we start with...
37:43Walked into a pub.
37:44Yeah.
37:45Walked into a pub and the landlord said, you free a barge.
37:47And they said, why?
37:48And he said to the violin, I've got no music licence.
37:50He said to the frying pan, I don't serve food.
37:52And he said to the vacuum cleaner, you suck.
37:53All get out.
38:00I can't give you points for a better answer.
38:02No.
38:03A violin, a frying pan and a vacuum cleaner are just some of the
38:06things you can find in Sydney Airport's lost property.
38:09Why is that in Roller Skating magazine?
38:11Well, it wasn't.
38:12No.
38:13No.
38:14No.
38:15These items and many more are now going to be auctioned off.
38:18Not sure what will go for the highest price.
38:20Probably the suitcase of cocaine.
38:22LAUGHTER
38:23Next, what is better than Netflix?
38:26Talking to other human beings.
38:28Don't be stupid.
38:29LAUGHTER
38:30Going to the cinema.
38:31Sorry, Richard, that was silly.
38:32That was ridiculous.
38:33Mm.
38:34Is it chilling?
38:35You make it sound like a word you've never heard.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:40Well, I have my new ringtone.
38:43The answer is, watching people argue on a bridge over the river
38:48in Wales is better than Netflix.
38:53Yeah.
38:54The Bridge in Wales regularly sees motorists argue, unleashing a
38:57foul-mouthed torrent of 16-letter words.
39:00LAUGHTER
39:02Next, Ipswich Town Centre to be improved by what?
39:07As if it could be improved.
39:10Mm.
39:11Dynamite?
39:12LAUGHTER
39:13Ipswich Town Centre to be improved by installation of portal
39:17to another city.
39:18LAUGHTER
39:19What?!
39:20That's right.
39:22You're from Ipswich, aren't you?
39:24I'm one of the major sons of Ipswich.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:27Is Ipswich a city?
39:28Because the football team is called Ipswich Town.
39:30Has Ipswich got a cathedral?
39:32Look, I'm feeling very ganged up on my...
39:35LAUGHTER
39:36I'm from Ipswich.
39:38I've suffered enough.
39:40Have you noticed a cathedral in Ipswich?
39:43Norwich has got one.
39:44Has Ipswich got one?
39:45No.
39:46Ipswich has got fighting spirit.
39:47Yeah.
39:48No cathedral.
39:49And a lot of reasonably priced shoe shops.
39:51Yeah.
39:52Now, next, Torters called Ginger that ran away to find love what?
39:59Torters called Ginger that ran away to find love says,
40:01first of all, my name's not Ginger, I didn't run away and I'm happily married.
40:04LAUGHTER
40:05This is fake news.
40:06Yes.
40:07You're right.
40:08A tortoise called Ginger that ran away to find love...
40:10Yeah.
40:11..is found a year later about a mile away.
40:14Right.
40:15After her long-term relationship with a tortoise called Fred ended,
40:18Ginger made a getaway across the countryside before ending up
40:21behind a local park.
40:22LAUGHTER
40:23We've all been in relationships like this.
40:25LAUGHTER
40:26You've just got to hold on.
40:27Yeah.
40:28This is all very familiar.
40:29I mean, I had a tortoise when I was a child.
40:31I had to let them go in the end.
40:32It was all too hectic for me.
40:34LAUGHTER
40:35Next, apart from what?
40:37I love roller skating.
40:39Falling over on very hard surfaces.
40:41Apart from wearing roller skates.
40:43Yeah, I mean, basically, yeah.
40:44What?
40:45Yes, you're right.
40:46Knee pads.
40:47Yeah, you're basically right.
40:48You're, I'd say, entirely right.
40:50Apart from breaking both wrists, breaking my shin,
40:53breaking my tailbone...
40:54LAUGHTER
40:55..breaking my ankle and several concussions,
40:57I love roller skating.
40:58LAUGHTER
40:59This is veteran skater Geoff Scholl.
41:01He told Rollerrag,
41:02I've had more concussions than my doctors are happier.
41:05LAUGHTER
41:06Adding,
41:07I've also had more concussions than my doctors are happier.
41:10LAUGHTER
41:11Next, what proves too much for the residents of Hemel Hempstead?
41:15Oh, this is a new roundabout, isn't it?
41:17Yes.
41:18You've got paths for cyclists, paths for pedestrians,
41:20and it's very complicated.
41:22Exactly right, yes.
41:24New roundabout proves too much for the residents of Hemel Hempstead.
41:27Here is the roundabout.
41:29You can't quite make it out, but at the edge of one of those crossings
41:32is an old woman with some shopping,
41:34and she's going to be there for eight years.
41:36LAUGHTER
41:38Lastly, beginners to the world of roller skating should remember
41:42the saying, what?
41:44What?
41:45It's not the rock in your roll, it's the glide in your slide.
41:48What?
41:50Beginners to the world of roller skating should remember the saying,
41:53don't go near the jungle because to a tiger you're mills on wheels.
41:56LAUGHTER
41:58Should remember the saying, you look like a tosser.
42:01LAUGHTER
42:03These are all very good.
42:06Sadly, the answer is...
42:08Yes.
42:09Beginners to the world of roller skating should remember the saying,
42:12drill it till you kill it.
42:14LAUGHTER
42:15Drill it till you kill it, also being Donald Trump's environmental policy.
42:18LAUGHTER
42:20So, the final scores are...
42:23Ian Kelly have seven, Paul and Jack...
42:26Eight.
42:27Oh!
42:28APPLAUSE
42:30But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
42:34Oh, yeah, the animal saying, oi, Attenborough, how do you like it?
42:37LAUGHTER
42:39On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Kelly Cates,
42:45Paul Merton and Jack Dee, and I leave you with news that, in London,
42:48as she arrived for a visit to the Royal Horticultural Society,
42:51the Queen is briefed by her undercover protection team.
42:55LAUGHTER
42:58At a theatre in Moscow, ahead of an evening of jazz standards,
43:01the headline act warms the audience up with a few hilarious career-based anecdotes.
43:06LAUGHTER
43:09At a historical re-enactment in Warwick,
43:11there's complaints that some participants are overdoing the ornamental codpieces.
43:16LAUGHTER
43:22And backstage at the TV Quick Awards, two stylists discuss her options
43:26after overdoing the temperature setting on Claudia Winkleman's hairdryer.
43:30LAUGHTER
43:33Good night.
43:35Good night.
43:36APPLAUSE
43:37APPLAUSE
43:38.
43:53.
43:55.