Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01After a morning spent watching some traffic lights,
00:03Lou and Andy are returning home.
00:05Oh, hello, how are you?
00:07I'm alright, I'm alright.
00:08You're keeping well?
00:09Yeah, I am, thank you. Yeah, very good.
00:16Hi, welcome back.
00:17Which one's Richard and which one's Judy?
00:20I can't believe it, I've got through!
00:22Yeah, go home.
00:23Oh my God, it's a thousand pounds a question.
00:25Let me do it.
00:26I'm not sure.
00:26I want to do it.
00:27Who's on the line?
00:28I am.
00:29Sorry, who's there?
00:30Andy Pipkin.
00:31Hi, Andy.
00:32You know the rules, don't you?
00:33It's very, very easy.
00:34We show you something and you just have to describe it to us.
00:37Fair enough.
00:38And for every one that you get right, we give you £1,000.
00:41Fair enough.
00:42Right, OK, then we'll start the clock.
00:44Let's go, one minute.
00:46Carrot.
00:48No, Andy, you have to describe it.
00:50You mustn't say what the thing actually is.
00:52Fair enough.
00:55OK, let's carry on.
00:56Michael Parkinson.
00:59Andy, that is Michael.
01:00You don't have to tell us who the person is.
01:03You just give us a clue and we guess.
01:05Colonel.
01:06OK.
01:07Let's carry on.
01:08Mobile phone.
01:12All right, look, we're running out of time.
01:13Let's just try one more quickly, Andy.
01:15You just describe it, OK?
01:18Come on, Andy, think £1,000.
01:20Pied an oak.
01:24Oh, we're out of time.
01:25We're out of time.
01:26I'm really sorry, mate.
01:27You're the first person never to win anything.
01:30Oh, dear.
01:31We'll be back after the break.
01:34Oh, Andy.
01:35Why didn't you let me do it?
01:38Car.
01:41I'll leave you just the advert.
01:42Colonel.
01:44The British Postal Service is the best in the world.
01:50Put a first-class stamp on your letter
01:52and it's guaranteed to possibly arrive at some point somewhere
01:55if you're lucky.
01:57Mrs Henry?
01:59Oh, hello, dear.
02:01How was the operation?
02:02Oh, very good, very good.
02:03They had me out in no time.
02:05Oh, that's good, cos the hip's a big one, isn't it?
02:07Oh, it was a double hip.
02:08Double hip?
02:09Well, you look very well on it.
02:11Where do you have it done?
02:12Erm...
02:17To Mary?
02:18Yes.
02:19Very good, there.
02:20Very good doctors.
02:21Who do you have?
02:22Er, what? Doctor, erm...
02:24Er, Caridi?
02:26Erm...
02:27Yes.
02:28Yeah, he did Sheila.
02:29You know Sheila Peer from The Chemist?
02:30Yes.
02:31She went in on a Tuesday,
02:32and she was out and about the rest of the weekend.
02:34Oh, it's your turn.
02:36I'll get that for you.
02:37You save your hips.
02:41Lovely to talk to you.
02:42I'll see you later, dear.
02:48One second class stamp, please.
02:50Thank you.
02:55In darkly noon,
02:56ASBO enthusiast Vicky Pollard
02:58has left half her kids at home
03:00as she begins her first day at work.
03:02Right, wait there.
03:04It'll just be a few hours.
03:07Don't you think you're giving me baby e-balls?
03:12It's £3 an hour, you know.
03:14Easy work.
03:15You've probably got to talk dirty to them.
03:17Oh, my God, I can see through that,
03:18cos I'm, like, well a thag.
03:19This is where you sit.
03:21Your name is Sapphire.
03:23You are six foot tall,
03:24top model from Paris.
03:26Box over there.
03:28PHONE RINGS
03:31PHONE RINGS
03:34PHONE RINGS
03:36Answer the phone!
03:39All right!
03:41Girl!
03:42PHONE RINGS
03:43Hello, is someone on the phone?
03:45All right, is that Sapphire, then?
03:47No, but...
03:48Yeah, but...
03:49No, but...
03:50Yeah, there's a Spitfire,
03:51and I'm wearing, like, really sexy knickers
03:53that I got from George at ASDA.
03:55What are you doing?
03:56Oh, thinking about having a bag of crisps.
03:59Oh.
04:00You're not doing anything sexy, then?
04:02Oh, no, but...
04:03Yeah, but...
04:04No, but...
04:05Yeah, but I am,
04:06because I'm actually here with three girlfriends
04:07who are all, like, top models,
04:08cos they all do, like, modelling
04:09for the Freemans catalogue and that.
04:12What are their names?
04:13Oh, something really exotic,
04:15like, um, Ferreiro, Rocher and, uh, Twix.
04:20What are you all doing?
04:22Well, Ferreiro,
04:23he's smearing Shamborsky hippopotamus
04:24all over Rocher.
04:26Uh, what's Twix doing?
04:28Uh, pecking her feet
04:30and watching June Sorbonne on TV.
04:32Pecking her feet?
04:33This is costing me a pound a minute.
04:34Can you try and be a bit sexier, please?
04:36Oh, my God,
04:37I still can't believe he just said that.
04:39I am, like, well, the cotton jalo,
04:40and if Rochelle Atkins says I'm lying,
04:41then don't listen to her,
04:42because her brother ate a goldfish for 50p.
04:44And anyway, I'm, like, well fed,
04:45because one time we was all in media studies
04:47and I was wearing this really short skirt,
04:48and Mr Jarman,
04:49who everyone knows is a complete pervert anyway,
04:51spent the whole lesson totally staring
04:52at my millefruit corner.
04:55Is he?
04:56Yeah, who's this?
04:57It's Uncle Pete.
04:58Uncle Pete?
04:59Oh, my God,
05:00what are you ringing these phone lines for?
05:01That is well out of order.
05:02Put the boobs out!
05:03You're not going to tell Auntie Kath about this,
05:05are you?
05:06No, I'm going to call you back.
05:07This is, like, well costing you a lot.
05:15Hello?
05:16So the whole thing is, right,
05:17we're all covered in Chambora's hippopotamus,
05:19and we're all, like, well-licking off each other,
05:21and I'm, like, totally less than everyone else.
05:23And...
05:24All done.
05:25OK, Uncle Pete, I'll see you Sunday.
05:26Bye.
05:30It's five past Bing the Merciless,
05:32and in Bruce, Dudley and Ting Tong
05:34have spent their first night together.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:43Are you all right, Mr Dudley?
05:45Yes, I am, yes.
05:47Did you have good time last night?
05:50Yes, it was very pleasant.
05:53Did you enjoy all these things Ting Tong do for you?
05:57Yes, I did.
05:59I found it all to be a wonderful release.
06:02Thank you, Ting Tong.
06:03Would you like to do it again?
06:06Erm...
06:08Yes, that would be most welcome, yes.
06:12I'll just take a little tinkle, then I'll return.
06:15Don't be long, Cupcake.
06:18We see you all ready, Mr Dudley.
06:24Oh, the flash isn't working.
06:26Ting Tong?
06:28Oh!
06:29Ting Tong?
06:30The flash isn't...
06:32LAUGHTER
06:36No.
06:37Dudley, I can explain.
06:38No, no, no, you've got to...
06:40I'm sorry, Mr Dudley, I was going to tell you.
06:42When?
06:44After wedding.
06:45There isn't going to be a wedding.
06:47What are you, anyway?
06:49A ladyboy.
06:51What?
06:52Yes, Mr Dudley, it time you knew.
06:55My real name not Ting Tong, my real name Tong Ting.
07:00Now, get out of my flat, you lady gay boy.
07:03I'm sorry, Mr Dudley, I beg of you.
07:05Please don't make me leave.
07:06Oh, Mr Dudley!
07:11Maybe you could stay just one more night.
07:17At Hill Grange Hell Spa,
07:19ex-international showjumper Desi-Rae and her husband Roman
07:23are making the most of their honeymoon.
07:27I'm feeling very frisky today, my love.
07:30Are you, Bobby?
07:31Yeah, like a man three-quarters of my age.
07:34Well, let's go into the steamy room
07:36and have a little bit of how's your farthing?
07:48I could show you a thing or two.
07:50I have one or two things to show you.
07:55Oh, Roman, I love you so much.
07:58I love you too, Bobby.
08:00Just the two of us, eh?
08:01Alone at last.
08:05Hello, darlings.
08:06Oh, Bubbles!
08:07I trust you're enjoying your honeymooning?
08:10This is so fatiguing to me.
08:12You know, Bubbles,
08:13we're trying to have a little bit of private time.
08:15Oh, don't worry about me, darling.
08:17I'm so over you, you wouldn't believe it.
08:19Good, cos you're never going to get him back, baby.
08:21Well, that's fine by me.
08:22I don't want him back after you've had your dirty paws all over him.
08:25How dare you compare me to a bear!
08:27You howler! You strumpet!
08:29Get off me now, you prude!
08:32Oh, never!
08:35Please, ladies, stop!
08:38Enough.
08:39You appear to be missing something.
08:42My necker?
08:43No.
08:44My earrings. She's taken my earrings.
08:46No, it's your, um...
08:48My wig!
08:49She's taken my wig!
08:50I didn't even know I wore a wig!
08:52Don't be ridiculous, darling.
08:53I don't have your wig.
08:55Don't just stand there, baby.
08:56Help me look for it.
08:57Of course, my sweet.
08:59Oh, it looks like the black hair of Calcutta.
09:03How dare you make personal remarks about my a-hole!
09:07All right, ladies, now that is enough.
09:10I'll leave you to it.
09:13Come on, it must be somewhere.
09:14Yes, help me.
09:19Will you be needing a bikini wax later?
09:22No, thank you, Gita, darling.
09:23I'm letting it grow.
09:26Champagne!
09:27Champagne for everyone!
09:33Meanwhile, in the new town of Danebowersville,
09:36university lecturer Linda Flint is busy marking.
09:40This pen is excellent.
09:43One moment.
09:45Just put the top back on.
09:48Come in.
09:49Hi, Linda.
09:50Hello, Nina. Take a seat.
09:52What can I help you with today?
09:54Well, I'm not really enjoying the contemporary women's poetry course,
09:57and I was wondering if I could change to
09:59Constructions of Sexual Identity in the Works of Emily Bronte.
10:03Sounds a bit heavy, but if you're sure...
10:05Yeah.
10:06I'll just check with Martin. It's not too late.
10:12Martin, it's Linda.
10:14I've got a student here who wants to know if she can change courses.
10:18It's Nina.
10:19You know Nina.
10:20Long flowing skirts, lovely dangly earrings.
10:23Looks like she's been slurping a cappuccino.
10:26You'd get a snubble rash if you kissed her.
10:28Never heard of him, that.
10:31That's right. Magnum P.I.
10:33Yes, yes, that's fine.
10:35No problem.
10:37Yes, Harriet saw her at the swimming bars.
10:39Said it was like Chewbacca in a bikini.
10:41Did you shut the door on the way out?
10:46Why are people fat?
10:48Because God hates them.
10:49So they attend diet classes like this.
10:51Hello, fat farters.
10:52Come here, you.
10:58Later.
10:59Sorry we're late.
11:00So I bet you're all wondering who this new face is.
11:03Well, this sexy M.F.
11:07He's Derek and he's my boyfriend.
11:09Yeah, we just met a couple of days ago.
11:11Hello, everybody.
11:12Hello.
11:13Feels longer, though.
11:14Feels like I've known you my whole life.
11:16Yeah.
11:17We met in the gym.
11:18He's a personal trainer.
11:19She was just in the sauna.
11:20She wasn't doing any exercise.
11:22I don't just go in the sauna, Derek.
11:24I use the sunbed as well.
11:25Anyway, I'm getting plenty of exercise now, ain't I?
11:28What a beast.
11:29Now, what we're going to do today,
11:31we're going to do something a bit different.
11:33Shake it up a bit.
11:34And Derek is going to get us all up exercising
11:36and we're going to see if we can't shift a few of them
11:38extra stone.
11:39Eh, Pat?
11:40That's the one I was telling you about, the walrus.
11:42Is she the one who...
11:43No, that's the one who stinks, the old one.
11:45Hi, Tanya.
11:46Hello.
11:48And I should warn you, that one over there is Mira.
11:50She is of the Asian persuasion.
11:53Hello, Mira.
11:54Hello, Derek.
11:55Not a word.
11:56Derek.
11:59OK, gang, let's get up on our feet.
12:02And we'll just start with some stretches.
12:04You stretch me?
12:05I'll tell you what, girls,
12:06once you've had black, you ain't going back.
12:09Great.
12:10So, I want you to all get into pairs.
12:13Oh, I haven't got anyone.
12:15That's all right, love, you can come with me.
12:17Oh.
12:18So, I want one of you to put your hand on your partner's shoulder to balance.
12:21Lift your leg up behind you and stretch it.
12:23Oh, you got lucky there, Tanya.
12:25Yeah, I know, and it's all muscle.
12:28You flirting again, Derek?
12:29I'm just being friendly, Marge.
12:31OK, deep breaths, everybody.
12:34Breathe from the diaphragm, which is here.
12:37Actually, I wish I were 20 years younger.
12:40You're actually very lucky, Derek, because I'm not the jealous type.
12:43If you touch that shitting slag again, it's over.
12:46Don't joke him, Marjorie.
12:47And you can shut up and all, you fat, old, ugly Lolita.
12:51I'm not sure me being here's a good idea.
12:53I'll call you later.
12:54Don't bother you, Christopher Casanova.
12:57You had me and you lost me.
12:59And don't think I'm going to come running after you,
13:01because we are through.
13:03And that's right.
13:04Screw you!
13:06LAUGHTER
13:12I've just got to get something out of the car.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:21DEREK, I'M GOING TO BE SOMEBODY'S DEVIL!
13:23I'M GOING TO BE SOMEBODY'S DEVIL!
13:25I'M GOING TO BE SOMEBODY'S DEVIL!
13:27I'M NOT INTERESTED! YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS!
13:29LAUGHTER
13:37LAUGHTER
13:41Anybody got any chocolate?
13:44LAUGHTER
13:47Old people in Britain are abandoned in homes like this.
13:52Hello, Mrs Carpenter.
13:54And how are we today?
13:55All right.
13:56Right.
13:58Let's just get you up out of this chair.
14:02There we are.
14:04OK.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:15This is the local pub of out gay man Davyth Thomas.
14:18I thought I might be gay for a while,
14:20until I met my lovely wife, Gerald.
14:23Hello, Miss Henry.
14:24We'd like two Bacardi and Cogs, please.
14:26Hmm. Coming right up.
14:29Who's this?
14:30This, everybody, is my girlfriend.
14:35Your girlfriend?
14:36That's right, Miss Henry, my girlfriend.
14:41LAUGHTER
14:44But you are a gay.
14:46I know, the only gay in the village.
14:48But the people round here are so anti-gayist,
14:50I've been forced to take myself a girlfriend.
14:52I hope you're happy now.
14:55So, you won't be having any bum fun at all, then?
14:59No, Miss Henry, I'm going to be living a lie,
15:01tortured by my repressed sexuality.
15:03My every waking moment is going to be a misery,
15:06for I will never be able to tell her my shameful secret,
15:09that I am gay!
15:11Gay. Gay. Homosexual. Gay.
15:15Well, I think she might know by now.
15:17Eh? Oh, no, she doesn't speak a word of English.
15:20Well, what's her name?
15:22No idea. I don't speak Spanish.
15:24Well, does she speak Welsh?
15:26I don't think so.
15:27She looked very Borgian in tonight's episode of Publicum.
15:31Oh, look at her poor thing.
15:33I think she was on a rambling tour and got lost.
15:37Are you all right, love?
15:48Women.
15:50Right, come along, beard.
15:52See you later, David.
15:53Goodbye, Miss Henry.
15:54Well, I hope you people are satisfied.
15:56My bottom, for now, remains single.
16:02This shop sells paintings.
16:04I, myself, am a great collector of art
16:07and have an original at home by Van Gogh.
16:10Sally Van Gogh.
16:16Hello.
16:17Hello.
16:18I did not see you there. Have you been here long?
16:21No, not long. Just about a week or so.
16:25Right. Can I help you?
16:27I was wondering if you could help me.
16:29I was wondering if you could help me.
16:31I'm looking to buy a painting of a disappointed horse.
16:35A disappointed horse?
16:37Yes.
16:38Well, I'm not sure...
16:44How about this one?
16:46That horse looks more perturbed than disappointed.
16:50Right.
16:52This one?
16:53The horse looks disappointed, but not because it received bad news.
16:57It looks more like it was disappointed
16:59because it had high expectations in life that had remained unfulfilled.
17:03Now you say it...
17:07How about this one?
17:09I can see the disappointment. I can see the frustration.
17:12But I can also sense a flicker of hope that things may get better for this horse.
17:16And that really isn't what I'm looking for.
17:19One moment.
17:20Margaret! Margaret!
17:28Margaret!
17:30Yes?
17:31There's a gentleman here who wants to know if we have any paintings of a disappointed horse.
17:35Have you shown him the perturbed one, the unfulfilled one,
17:38and the one that appears disappointed but ultimately has a flicker of hope?
17:42Yes.
17:44Oh.
17:45Oh.
17:46Oh, I've got an idea.
17:47Roy! Roy!
17:57Yes?
18:00If he's looking for pictures of disappointed animals,
18:02we have a very good one of a vexed kitten.
18:04Oh, she says we have a very good one of a vexed kitten.
18:07I'm not sure that would make a nice painting.
18:09An irked kitten, perhaps, but not vexed.
18:13Oh, I don't know what to suggest.
18:15Do you have any paintings featuring displeased owls?
18:21Do you know, I think we may have just the thing.
18:23Oh, where did I put it?
18:26Oh, here it is.
18:33Well, what do you reckon?
18:35Oh, yes, that owl looks very displeased. I will take it.
18:38Thought we'd never get there.
18:39Yes, I have a painting of an inconvenienced badger at home.
18:42I can put it next to that.
18:44Oh, right. Did you buy that here?
18:46No, I bought it from the inconvenienced badger painting shop.
18:49Oh, yes, I know it. How's business?
18:52Slow.
18:54Right, well, that'll be £100, please.
18:57There you go.
19:02Thanks.
19:06I can't help thinking this owl looks more disillusioned than displeased.
19:10Get out or I'll strangle you.
19:13Bye.
19:15APPLAUSE
19:22This couple are visiting their local Indian restaurant.
19:25To my mind, anyone who eats foreign food is a traitor
19:28and should be shot at dawn.
19:31I'll have the vegetable biryani, please.
19:33That is quite mild, isn't it?
19:35And some plain rice.
19:37Very good. And for Sam?
19:39Am I running quiet as to the spiciest dish upon your menu, my good man?
19:43The king prawn vindaloo is very spicy, sir.
19:46Lovely. I'll have one of those, please. Thank you, friend.
19:49Tom, you don't like spicy food.
19:51Sure I do.
19:52You don't.
19:53Woman, I do. I like it spicy.
19:54Spicier the better.
19:56That was quick.
19:57It is. We're servicing.
19:59Mmm. Oh, yeah.
20:02Mine's delicious. How's yours?
20:03Ooh.
20:05HE CHUCKLES
20:08HE BREATHES HEAVILY
20:10D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d!
20:12S Express.
20:14Milky, milky.
20:15Supermatch game, supermatch game, supermatch game.
20:18You are a member of the Rebel Alliance and a spy.
20:20I'll have a cup of tea and a slice of cake, I'll tell you.
20:23There's a phantom of the Opera that is here inside my mind.
20:30APPLAUSE
20:35Bit more old, actually.
20:36Supermatch game.
20:41In St Saddam's Hospital, Maggie is recovering from a kidney transplant.
20:46Hello, Maggie.
20:48Hello, dear.
20:49How are you today?
20:50Well, I'm perfectly fine.
20:52I told them I'm ready to go home.
20:54Now, Maggie, you've had a very serious operation.
20:56You must listen to the doctors.
20:58I got you these.
21:00Oh.
21:01South African.
21:03I'll have those later.
21:05Mrs Blackamore?
21:07Yes.
21:08How's the new kidney?
21:09It's fine, thank you, Doctor.
21:11I would love to know the name of the donor.
21:13I feel I should write to the family and thank them.
21:15Oh, well, I shouldn't really tell you, but I believe it was a Mrs...
21:18Banerjee.
21:21Thank you.
21:23All right, Mrs Blackamore.
21:27Whoa!
21:28APPLAUSE
21:31Whoa!
21:37Whoa!
21:41Whoa!
21:43Whoa!
21:51Do you have any other kidneys lying around?
21:55It's five past nikinakinunu,
21:57and at the Houses of Parliament, Prime Minister's questions is taking place.
22:01The Honourable Member to the answer I gave some moments ago.
22:05The Leader of the Opposition.
22:08I don't know if the Prime Minister has had an opportunity
22:11to view the front page of the Sun newspaper today.
22:15It shows two photographs of the Prime Minister
22:17illustrating how old and tired he looks.
22:20Might I suggest that the Honourable Member
22:23is looking as old and tired as his policies?
22:25Order! Order!
22:27Answer to the Honourable Gentleman.
22:29I've not seen the publication.
22:31The Prime Minister may be glad to know I have a copy here.
22:34Order! Order!
22:36Perhaps this is the time for the Honourable Member to retire.
22:39Yay!
22:43This is nothing but a personal attack on me.
22:49My appearance is...
22:51It's not...
22:53It's not...
22:55You are beautiful
22:57No matter what you say
22:59Words can't bring you down
23:03Yes, you are beautiful
23:05In every single way
23:08Words can't bring you down
23:12So don't you bring me down
23:15Today
23:17Every day is so wonderful
23:20Then suddenly
23:22It's hard to breathe
23:25Cos we are beautiful
23:27No matter what you say
23:29Yes, words can't bring us down
23:33No, no, no, no
23:35So don't you bring us down
23:39Today
23:42Today
23:55You're beautiful
23:58Thank you, Sebastian
24:07Can we get him working for us?
24:10Lou and Andy are seining down the River Thames.
24:13The Thames was modelled on the opening credits of EastEnders.
24:18To protect the city from the risk of flooding.
24:20This is bad.
24:22But you've been wanting to come on this boat trip for ages.
24:24You always said the only way to see London was via its ancient waterway,
24:28which was like a pulsating artery through the heart of this historic city.
24:31Fair enough.
24:32Well then.
24:33Bad.
24:35Would the chocolates make any difference?
24:37Maybe.
24:39Give me a chocolate then.
24:53Yeah.
24:54That's a nice chocolate, that one, yeah.
24:57Andy?
24:59Andy?
25:00Where are you?
25:01Andy?
25:03Andy?
25:04Andy?
25:06Andy?