Rumpole of the Bailey. S06 E05. Rumpole and the Quacks.

deaddogsmoking

First broadcast 25th November 1991.  Rumpole defends a Pakistani doctor accused of molesting a female patient, and Phyllida suspects Erskine-Brown of philandering.  Leo McKern ... Horace Rumpole Marion Mathie ... Hilda Rumpole Patricia Hodge ... Phillida Erskine-Brown Julian Curry ... Claude Erskine-Brown Peter Blythe ... Samuel Ballard Q.C. Jonathan Coy ... Henry Richard Murdoch ... Uncle Tom Saeed Jaffrey ... Dr. Ghulam Rahmat Gary Waldhorn ... Dr. Cogger Graham Crowden ... Sir Hector MacAuliffe Stephanie Schonfield ... Marietta Liptrott (as Stephanie Schonfeld) Richard Hampton ... Mr. Pinhorn Pauline Yates ... Mrs Whittaker Jenny Oulton ... Magistrate Gawn Grainger ... Mr. Govett Tricia George ... Mrs Bambi Etheridge Marcia Ashton ... Miss Dankwerts Nigel Hastings ... Peter Kellaway Ray Marioni ... Wine Waiter

Transcript

00:00This is Rumpole and the Quacks. Rumpole's client is an Indian doctor who is accused

00:10of over-examining a girl who came in with a sore throat and he apparently asked her

00:16to take off her knickers for further examination. I got the idea for this by going and listening

00:23to a trial at the General Medical Council and the trial was about a doctor who persuaded

00:32refugees and people who had just come to England to sign documents which gave him the right

00:37to remove their kidneys which were then sold at a pretty high price. That was perhaps a

00:44more sensational case but this is a case where Rumpole has to deal with the Quacks. He's

00:51not terribly fond of doctors because they tell him to take exercise and not eat so much

00:56and not drink so much or smoke small cigars.

01:21Patient Lipton? Yes, it's me. Dr. Robert will see you now. It's my throat, doctor, it's tormenting me.

01:48Open your mouth, please. Wider. Say ah. Ah. Good. And now if you could just lie down on the couch for me, please.

02:04Good. Good. It's my throat, doctor. Yes, I know. Good.

02:19Ah. And now if you could just slip down your trousers for me, please. You don't have to take them off entirely.

02:27Please! Please, I beg you. Is Dr. Brown that finished with you? Finished with me? Oh, that's funny, that is. I wouldn't let him start.

02:36Excuse me. I am dying, Egypt.

02:41Dying? Can that have anything to do with the fact that you were up until all hours last night celebrating the elevation of Hoskins to the bench?

02:55I suppose that's the rule nowadays. You're no good at the bar, they're making you into a blooming circus judge. I'm surprised Uncle Tom isn't Lord Chancellor by now.

03:08When are you getting up? Perhaps never. There's nothing today except a chamber's meeting. If my clerk rings, tell him Rumpold's life is ebbing quietly away.

03:26Then I'd better call the doctor. Oh, no, Hilda, please. No, not another old quack like McClintock who put me on a starvation diet and then dropped off the twig himself.

03:36There'll be plenty of other doctors in the surgery. A complaint to the General Medical Council? I never thought it would go as far as that.

03:44Well, we're all behind you, Rummer. I can't believe you'd do anything so damn foolish. Of course, sir, we've all been tempted.

03:52But I wasn't tempted. I was not tempted at all. That's the whole point of the matter.

03:56Oh, Doctor. Oh, I didn't know you were here, Dr. Cocker. No, no, that's all right. Go ahead.

04:01Mrs. Rumpold called for a doctor. She wants a call round on her husband.

04:06Oh, old Rumpold. He's a barrister, Ramert. You'd better go and do your best for him, in all the circumstances.

04:14And how is the great barrister at law feeling now? Near to death.

04:19Well, we're all near to death, sir. But I'm sure Mr. Rumpold will surprise us all. I am Ramert, Senior Medical Doctor, also Bachelor of Arts.

04:27Of course, I have no such imposing title as barrister at law. Well, congratulations, Mrs. Rumpold. Your husband looks as strong as a horse.

04:34I certainly don't feel it. Could that possibly be because horses don't drink much pomeroy's plonk, as you call it?

04:40The slightest noise, Doctor, I feel as if my head's cracking.

04:44Temporary, sir. Only temporary. And now, if you'll breathe in for me. In, out.

04:53In, out. And for the last time, in, out.

05:00Well, there'll be no need for the flags to fly at half-mast over the old bailey.

05:05Tomorrow, they will be rejoicing there. Word will go round, and crowds in the street will be cheering our great barrister at law is returning to us.

05:13Oh, what a fine lung you have there, sir. It's a pleasure to listen to your hearty breathing.

05:17There's nothing wrong with him, is there?

05:19I diagnose a slight case of the collywobbles brought on by some food poisoning, perhaps.

05:23Food poisoning? I hardly think so.

05:25Oh, for which I prescribe two Alka-Seltzers and a glass of water, strong black coffee, and a quiet day in bed with even more kindness and consideration from your charming lady wife.

05:35Oh, well, thank you, Doctor.

05:37Think nothing of it, sir.

05:40Perhaps one day I'll ask you to help me out of a bit of a hole.

05:46By all means. What crime were you thinking of committing?

05:50Oh, no crime, sir. No crime at all.

05:53Mrs. Etheridge then caused her white BMW vehicle to skid off the Uxbridge Road and mount the pavement, terrorizing the passers-by.

06:03She then collided with a municipal disposal bin, wrecked a mobile shopping basket, and finally crashed into a lamppost.

06:12Questioned by the officer, she said,

06:15Do call me Bambi, darling, and can't we forget all about it?

06:21The prosecution will say that this was eccentric and dangerous behavior, even for a lady driver.

06:26Uh, did my learned friend say, even for a lady driver?

06:31He did, Mr. Rumpo. My hearing is particularly keen, and I heard him quite distinctly. Even for a lady driver.

06:39Perhaps my learned friend can help me. Is my unfortunate client being put on trial for dangerous driving, or simply because she is a woman?

06:47That's exactly what I should like to know.

06:50I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to infer.

06:54I mean, well, surely we... I mean, we all have the greatest respect, and indeed, affection for ladies.

07:04Mr. Govett, this is a perfectly ordinary driving case.

07:09Perhaps you could manage to keep sex out of it.

07:12You got me off! You're an absolute sweetie!

07:16Oh, please, Mrs. Etheridge.

07:18Oh, do you call me Bambi? Everyone does.

07:22Mrs. Etheridge, I did not get you off. The prosecutor got you off when he started on about lady drivers.

07:28How can I reward you, Mr. Rumpo, darling?

07:32What about a naughty lunch for just the two of us?

07:35How can I reward you, Mr. Rumpo, darling?

07:39What about a naughty lunch for just the two of us?

07:42Can you get an afternoon off?

07:44Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible.

07:46Of course you can.

07:48Do you enjoy scrumptious desserts as much as I do?

07:52Of course you do. All men enjoy scrumptious desserts.

07:56Well, that settles then. I'll give you a tinkle.

07:58I never lunch out. Pressure of work.

08:01All work and no play make Mr. Rumpo a dull boy.

08:05And I'm sure you're not that, are you?

08:08Goodbye, Mrs. Etheridge.

08:13Mr. Rumpo!

08:15Has anyone ever told you you're a very cuddly kind of barrister?

08:25Ah, Rumpo, there you are.

08:28Last week I put up a notice.

08:30Remember the forests of the earth. Save paper.

08:33So you did.

08:35Some... some person has scribbled across the bottom, yes,

08:39and don't waste it on bloody silly notices.

08:42That seemed like fair comment.

08:44I have certain responsibilities, Rumpo, as head of chambers,

08:47and one of them is to the forests of the earth.

08:49Quite right.

08:50Anyway, there's something I thought you might like to know.

08:52About the forests of the earth?

08:53No, about our new pupil, Mrs. Heather Whittaker.

08:56She is a thoroughly nice sort of person.

08:58Oh, good. We could do with a few of those around here.

09:00Yes, we could.

09:02Now, she is no longer young, Rumpo.

09:04She's taking up the bar in middle life.

09:06She's come here as a pupil to Claude Erskine-Brown,

09:09and will help him out when he's in court.

09:11Oh, she doesn't want to work full-time, then?

09:13I think you were away sick when we agreed to take her on.

09:16Oh, I was dying!

09:18Really?

09:19I changed my mind.

09:21Oh.

09:22Well, there's something I want to make clear to you.

09:24Mrs. Whittaker is not the type of person

09:26who would enjoy rough behavior in chambers,

09:29and I do not think she would relish a working environment

09:31where people scribble obscenities on notice boards.

09:34Oh, it wasn't obscene.

09:35Ah, ah.

09:36I'm glad you admit you wrote it.

09:38I never plead guilty.

09:39Look, excuse me, but I have to confer

09:41about some hanky-panky on the national health.

09:44Through all my troubles and tribulations,

09:46I had only one thought,

09:48that I have an absolutely wizard barrister at law.

09:51Oh, well.

09:53I can't work medicals.

09:55Tell me about yourself, Dr. Rahmat?

09:58Rahmat.

09:59Rahmat.

10:00Are you married?

10:01Was married, sir,

10:02but the maimed sahib died giving birth to our son.

10:05When you first came to England,

10:06you went straight into old Dr. McLintock's practice?

10:09Yes, he was very kind to me.

10:11And then when Dr. Cogger took over?

10:13Oh, just the same.

10:14Old Tim Cogger is a thoroughly good chap

10:16with a fine sense of humor.

10:17Do you know what they used to say about him at Pots?

10:19That he was a very fine joker.

10:21Perhaps not a brilliant doctor, but...

10:24Are you?

10:25What?

10:26A brilliant doctor.

10:28Most of us are not.

10:30Most of us are at a loss,

10:32more than we'd like to admit.

10:34But we try and be kind and cheerful

10:36and wait for the disease to go away.

10:38Ah, well, that's frank anyway.

10:40But I am afraid,

10:42Miss Liptrot

10:44is not very likely to go away.

10:47No, dash it all.

10:48What a pain in the neck that girl...

10:50I mean, if one could be so rude about a young...

10:53Had you seen her before she came to the surgery that morning?

10:55No, sir, and I hope I never shall see her again.

10:58What does she look like?

10:59I can help you there, Mr. Rumpole.

11:01She, uh...

11:03got herself plastered all over the beacon.

11:07There she is.

11:08Mr. Rumpole, children's nurse.

11:11She looks a perfectly nice sort of girl,

11:13unfortunately for us.

11:14Yeah.

11:15Aged 27, works for wealthy Kensington families,

11:18a nanny.

11:19Went to the surgery with a sore throat,

11:21but the doctor seemed to have other ideas about treatment,

11:23told me to lie on the couch and undress.

11:25Dr. Ghulam...

11:27Rahmat.

11:28Rahmat?

11:2950, who came to England 12 years ago,

11:32said I shall fight this to the last ditch.

11:34I have the best barrister in the country.

11:36Well, that's true.

11:37I never took a shine to her, Mr. Rumpole.

11:39I swear I never did.

11:40All right, all right.

11:41What's our defense?

11:42Whenever I ask the client that,

11:44he mentions a book about some passage.

11:47Our defense, Mr. Rumpole,

11:49is the same as in E.M. Foster's fine novel,

11:52A Passage to India.

11:53I'm sure you know it well.

11:55Of course.

11:56Just remind me of the plot, will you?

11:59Well, see, in it,

12:00an English girl accuses an Indian doctor

12:03of raping her in the Marabar caves.

12:06I told the client, frankly,

12:07the tribunal is not going to be very interested

12:10in stories about Indian caves.

12:12Yes, no, let him finish.

12:13Well, what was the doctor's defense in that case?

12:16That it all went on

12:18in the fevered imagination of the girl.

12:21And what was the verdict?

12:23He was acquitted, of course.

12:24And you will enjoy a similar triumph,

12:26great barrister-at-law.

12:28Yes, well, let's hope so.

12:29But, as Mr. Pinhorn says,

12:30that was a work of fiction.

12:32We have to deal with facts.

12:34Tell me, Dr. Ramak,

12:36your precise clinical reasons

12:38for asking a young lady with a sore throat

12:42to remove her underwear.

12:45Philly!

12:51Darling.

12:54No, no, let me.

12:58So, the fraud's all over.

13:00All over, and all convicted.

13:02Did you have fun in Swansea?

13:04Please, Gordon, don't ask silly questions.

13:06It's wonderful to have you back, Philly.

13:08Of course, the children have been terribly good,

13:10but it isn't the same, is it?

13:11I mean, you can't crack a bottle of flurry

13:13and discuss the scandals in chambers with the kids, can you?

13:15Have you been up to something?

13:16You're looking absolutely alluring, Philly, darling.

13:19You have been up to something.

13:21Nonsense.

13:22Look, I tell you what,

13:23I'll just drop these things in my room

13:24and we'll go for a drink in Pomeroy's,

13:25celebrate your return.

13:29And the scandal in chambers,

13:31what is the scandal in chambers?

13:33Well, I don't know.

13:34I'm sure there must be some,

13:35but I've no idea what it is.

13:37Lord.

13:38Yes, Philly.

13:40Are you the scandal in chambers?

13:42Of course not.

13:43Not this time.

13:44I mean, not ever.

13:45How could you think of such a thing?

13:47You've got new pictures.

13:49Oh, those are my pupils, Heather Whittaker.

13:51She came while you were away.

13:52You'd like her, honestly.

13:54Would I?

13:55I don't see why not.

13:56She's got grey hair and glasses

13:57and she's well past her sell-by date.

13:58Lord, sometimes you sound as though

13:59you invented male chauvinism.

14:01Well, that's not fair.

14:02I like women.

14:03I like them very much indeed.

14:04Well, not all women.

14:05Actually, I don't like all of them.

14:06You especially.

14:08Well, just you, Philly,

14:09in that sort of way, of course.

14:11All I'm really trying to say

14:12is that Mrs. Whittaker would never tempt me

14:14if I were ever to be tempted,

14:16which I'm not, not in the least.

14:18Hmm.

14:19Oh, Henry, how wonderful to see you.

14:22You saw me this morning, sir.

14:23Yes, it's wonderful to see you again.

14:24What's that, a brief?

14:25What's it look like?

14:26A bunch of autumn roses?

14:27Yeah, uh, tomorrow you're on before Mr. Justice Graves

14:29in court number three, Mr. Erskine Brown.

14:31There's a couple of pleas before you

14:33and a short mention.

14:34Then there's a murder at 11.15

14:35which Fred in Crown Office Row says

14:37they're trying to get the bloke to plead guilty

14:38because there's Mr. Morton Fish.

14:39He's in trouble in Manchester.

14:40So I reckon you'll get a start before lunch, sir.

14:42Thank you, Henry.

14:43Philly, darling, are you ready for that drink?

14:46Oh, yes, yes, Claude, quite ready.

14:53Um, it's Mr. Rumpole, isn't it?

14:56Ah, peace of him, yes.

14:58I've been so longing to meet you.

15:00I'm Heather Whittaker, Erskine Brown's pupil.

15:03I've taken to the bar rather late in life, I'm afraid.

15:06Ah, just as well.

15:08The young can't stand the press.

15:10You're a legend, Mr. Rumpole.

15:13Of course you know that.

15:15I'm absolutely dying to hear you on your feet.

15:18Oh, why don't you pop down to the General Medical Council?

15:21I've got a doctor there in trouble.

15:23Oh, I'd love to.

15:24Hilda!

15:25I am home!

15:27Sans Polaroid, straight as an arrow,

15:29shot from the bow.

15:31Andrew, I watched on the telephone

15:34by a woman who apparently rejoices in the name of Bambi Etheridge.

15:39Didn't you tell her I was dead?

15:41No.

15:42I said, Hilda Rumpole speaking.

15:44And she said, is your lovely husband home?

15:46And I said, I can hear Rumpole's key in the lock.

15:49What does she want?

15:50I don't know, Rumpole, you'd better ask her.

15:55Rumpole speaking.

15:57Oh, dear, it's a bad moment.

16:00You're with your wife, aren't you?

16:02Ought I to have pretended to be the gas board or something?

16:06No, I can't advise you to appeal against Lord MacArthur.

16:09I'll have to bear the result, I'm afraid.

16:11Of course.

16:13You can't talk now, can you, Mr. Rumpole, darling?

16:17I'll ring again when you're not in the bosom of your family.

16:21An appeal would simply be throwing good money out to bad.

16:24Oh, what a thing to say.

16:27You're not bad money, are you, Mr. Rumpole?

16:30Lunch is on me.

16:32I'll ring again when you're all alone.

16:35Goodbye.

16:37Extraordinary thing.

16:39Women seem to be falling over each other to ask me to lunch.

16:43And with the, um, Chateau Bay Chevelle suit you, would it, Rumpole?

16:48Ah, Jessie, I could force it down.

16:50And number 52, thank you, madame.

16:54Well, uh, what are we celebrating, Portia?

16:57They're putting you up on the high court bench?

16:59They're not putting me anywhere.

17:01The question is, where am I putting myself?

17:03I have just about had it, Rumpole, up to here.

17:05Oh, dear. Well, what can I do?

17:07At least you can help me spend some of Claude's money.

17:09And I hope he finds that boring.

17:11The chablis, madame?

17:13Fine. Rumpole, tell me honestly.

17:15Am I a rut?

17:17A what?

17:19A rut.

17:21A rut.

17:23Uh, no.

17:25Humdrum? Would you call me humdrum?

17:28Would madame care to taste the wine?

17:30No, just slosh it about.

17:32Run of the mill? Am I run of the mill?

17:34Not in the least.

17:36Yes, men are all the same.

17:38Oh, are we?

17:40Well, perhaps not you, Rumpole, but then you're not really interested in it, are you?

17:46Uh, interested in what?

17:48Well, not everyone else who happens to be male

17:50spends their time thinking about sex.

17:53Oh, is that the stuff that leads to embarrassing telephone calls?

17:57I mean, look at that wretched doctor of yours.

17:59Dr. Ramat?

18:01A woman only has to wander into his surgery with a sore throat

18:03and he's trying to get him cider knickers.

18:05Just like Claude.

18:07Claude looks after people with sore throats? I don't understand.

18:10I'll get him, though. I shall prosecute the life out of him.

18:12He'll be struck off for at least ten years.

18:14Who? Claude?

18:16Dr. Ramat.

18:18What has Dr. Ramat got to do with you?

18:21I'm prosecuting him.

18:23That's all, before the General Medical Council.

18:25Oh, first-rate!

18:27I shall have a foeman worthy of my steel.

18:29Sorry, faux person.

18:31Yes, I don't know how you could defend someone like that.

18:34You know perfectly well I have to defend someone like anyone.

18:38But you couldn't defend a real snake.

18:40Dr. Ramat?

18:42No, Claude.

18:44Oh, Claude, what's our unfortunate learned friend been up to now?

18:48Let me read you something.

18:50Yeah.

18:53Ah, thank you.

18:57Barrister.

18:59Good-looking and young at heart.

19:04Hold on.

19:07In a rut, bored, with the humdrum of run-of-the-mill married life,

19:11seeks new partner for the occasional fling.

19:13Country walks, opera going, four-star restaurant treats,

19:17and all the other pleasures of the flesh.

19:19Tall and slender preferred, right with a photograph, if possible, too.

19:22And there's a box number.

19:24Yes, well...

19:26Here you are. Read it for yourself, if you want to.

19:35No, Brumphole, not there, where I turn down the page.

19:38Oh, yes. Where?

19:41Oh, I see. Yes.

19:45What makes you think Claude is the lonely heart?

19:48Oh, come on, Brumphole. He's a barrister, and he's opera going.

19:51There are about 6,000 barristers. Some of them must go to the opera.

19:55Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Erskine-Brown.

19:57I don't think your evidence is absolutely conclusive.

20:01I found that in Claude's room in Chambers.

20:04Oh, things are beginning to look black for the accused.

20:09Do you mind if I hang on to this for half an hour this afternoon?

20:15Four, two...

20:19One...

20:24Hello? Oh, hello.

20:26Is that the naughty Marietta escort service?

20:29Yeah.

20:31Would it be possible to speak to Marietta herself, please?

20:34This is Marietta speaking.

20:36Ah, Marietta Liptrot, I presume.

20:39Who are you? Are you the newspapers?

20:41No, no, no. I promise you, no.

20:43Just someone in need of your escort service.

20:49When's the function?

20:51Ah, well, it's not for me, exactly. It's for a friend of mine.

20:55He wants to take you along to add a little colour to the ladies' night

20:59at the Lawyers' Christian Society.

21:02I'll be in touch with the other arrangements.

21:05Over to you, Miss Liptrot.

21:07Rumpel, is this your idea of a joke?

21:09You should not have been listening to a private conversation.

21:12I couldn't help overhearing. Of course you could.

21:14I couldn't. You could.

21:16Anyway, you were using Chambers facilities to telephone an escort agency.

21:20Rumpel, you are a married man.

21:23Oh, that fact has not escaped my attention.

21:26Well, don't you think you ought to make a clean breast of this to Hilda?

21:31A clean breast of what?

21:34The fact that you are troubled by these sort of, well, needs.

21:40Ballard, when you are next troubled by the need to talk,

21:44absolute balderdash!

21:46Why don't you make a clean breast of it to matey?

21:56Have you finished with that wretched little magazine?

21:59Yes, Exhibit A. Thank you.

22:02Most helpful.

22:04Well, what are you going to do, confront the unfortunate Claude?

22:08Confront him? No good at all.

22:10He'll only pretend it wasn't him or something equally devious.

22:13No, I shall set a trap for him, leave him absolutely no way of escape.

22:18Poor old Claude. Poor old Dr. Rematt.

22:21What chance has either of them got?

22:23What's all that?

22:25Oh, I'm studying medicine.

22:27If all else fails, I may set up as a quack.

22:33Sorry, it's only the rut.

22:36That's all right, darling.

22:39Anything interesting in the post this morning?

22:42No, absolutely nothing, as a matter of fact.

22:45Nothing from anyone tall and slender?

22:47Well, this one's from H.M. Inspector of Taxes, Bloomsbury District.

22:51I don't know if he's tall and slender.

22:53Or even if he likes country walks.

22:55Sorry?

22:56Thinking of going on a country walk this afternoon, were you, Claude?

22:59Philly, you know I hate country walks.

23:01They tire you out and you get your shoes dirty.

23:03Oh, no, I know you didn't really mean country walks.

23:05I know that's not what you really had in mind.

23:07Philly, I'm not entirely following your drift.

23:09All right, all right, I'll let you go on reading your letters.

23:11I just hope they're all from short, fat people.

23:13They're all circulars. Bills and things, honestly.

23:16What about the one you just threw away? What?

23:18When I came in the door just now, I distinctly saw you throw a letter

23:20straight into the waste paper basket.

23:22Haven't seen you move so quickly for years.

23:24Look, if you want to know what it was...

23:26Oh, no, no, no, no, please don't bother.

23:30We're having dinner with the Arthurian Daybells tonight.

23:33That is, unless you've fixed up a treat in some four-star restaurant.

23:37Are your pipes fully lagged for the winter?

23:39One call from our laguman prevents frozen tap misery.

23:43There. Is that what you wanted to see?

23:45Oh, very clever, Claude, very clever indeed.

23:48You think you've wormed your way out of it again, don't you?

23:55Your missus is quite all right, is she, Eskimo?

23:57Yes, of course. Perfectly all right.

23:59She didn't seem to notice me at all.

24:01Oh, well, I suppose not.

24:03Of course, I got in early today to do some extra practice.

24:06I'm not usually here before the clerks.

24:08Your missus seems to have got some strange ideas into her head.

24:12Oh? Why do you say that?

24:14We had a fellow in Chambers, Ibbotson.

24:16Ibby Ibbotson, we used to call him.

24:18Most charming fellow.

24:20But his missus got the idea into her head

24:23that she was the reincarnation of Nell Gwynn.

24:26She used to come into the classroom

24:28and offer to sell us oranges.

24:30Poor old Ibby.

24:32She had to leave the bar

24:34and take it and live in Little Hampton.

24:37I'm not sure if that cured her.

24:39Uncle Tom.

24:41There's absolutely nothing wrong with Phyllida.

24:43Oh, well, if you say so.

24:45It's just a sort of a joke we have together, that's all.

24:49Oh, really? How frightfully funny.

24:52I will wait for you to see Dr. Pogger.

24:56Well, why on earth? My health is excellent.

25:00Thanks to my sensible lifestyle.

25:02Aunt Marguerite Ballard rang this morning.

25:05She said that Sam was very worried about your health.

25:08That you've been acting rather strangely lately.

25:12What have you been doing strange, Rumpole?

25:15I suppose phoning up escorts.

25:17What did you say?

25:19I said I suppose I was feeling out of sorts.

25:22Well, if you're feeling out of sorts,

25:25what are you complaining to me?

25:27I've arranged for you to see Dr. Pogger at the morning surgery.

25:35Looking for a friend?

25:37Oh, really, Mr. Rumpole, I don't know what you mean.

25:40Oh, lots of people advertise for friends in this.

25:42Look, I'll show you. You take Casanova regularly, do you?

25:45Oh, no.

25:47As a matter of fact, the cleaner found it

25:49in one of the doctor's waste paper baskets.

25:51She was going to put it out,

25:53but I thought I'd just have a look.

25:55Ah, Dr. Pogger's free, is he?

25:59I gather from your wife you have some sort of problem.

26:02A failing eyesight, perhaps.

26:05I thought I saw you in the Savoy Grill.

26:07I raised my glass to you, but you didn't seem to recognise me.

26:10Savoy Grill?

26:12It's a bit out of the class of a struggling GP.

26:14Oh, then it wasn't you.

26:16I hardly think so.

26:18Now, tell me why your wife made this appointment.

26:21Well, somebody told her

26:23I was behaving rather strangely in chambers.

26:25Behaving strangely?

26:27What sort of strangely?

26:29Ringing up escort agencies.

26:31Escort agencies?

26:33Mr. Rumpole, why ever should you do that?

26:35I suppose they thought I needed an escort.

26:38You mean young girls to take out to dinner?

26:42That sort of thing?

26:44Yes, that sort of thing.

26:46My dear Mr. Rumpole,

26:48I shouldn't let that worry you in the least.

26:51A lot of men, perfectly decent chaps in my experience,

26:54feel the need of young, fresh...

26:56well, young company occasionally.

26:58It doesn't mean they're sick in any way.

27:00It's perfectly natural.

27:02Is that what you think?

27:04Oh, yes, I do, quite honestly.

27:06Then you're probably familiar with this friendly little magazine.

27:09I don't think so.

27:11Are you sure?

27:13I mean, it's full of advertisements for escorts,

27:16companions of people for a night out on the town,

27:19that sort of thing.

27:21Is it?

27:23Well, it certainly seems to have interested you.

27:25Yes, your receptionist told me

27:27that it was found in one of the doctor's rooms.

27:30Mr. Rumpole, my partners are all big boys now.

27:34I really can't be expected to nanny them.

27:37Perhaps I should have, though,

27:39when I think of the trouble poor old Rummert's got himself into.

27:42Now, what would you say your problem is, medically?

27:47Medically, I can't sleep.

27:49I seem to wake up at about 1 o'clock in the morning

27:51and worry about poor old Dr. Rummert.

27:54I suppose you'll give him an excellent character.

27:59Well, um...

28:01that's a little awkward.

28:04I'll say everything I can for him, of course.

28:07But, you see, I've been asked to be a witness for the prosecution.

28:12Ah.

28:14Look, I'll write you out some pills.

28:18Fobomorin.

28:20Perfectly harmless.

28:22Fobomorin.

28:24Not poppy, nor mandragora,

28:26nor all the drowsy syrups of the world

28:28will lay a medicine me to that sweet sleep

28:30which I oatsed yesterday.

28:33I know.

28:35It's distressing for all of us

28:37when a doctor goes off the rails.

28:41Just a few chocks for you, Miss Danquoise.

28:43Oh, really? You shouldn't, Mr. Calloway.

28:46They are naughty, but irresistible.

28:48A little goodwill present from Marchmains Medicines.

28:52You've always been so helpful.

28:54Now, uh, is Dr. Cogger free?

28:56Oh, yes, I'm sure.

28:57You've finished with Dr. Cogger, haven't you, Mr. Rumpole?

29:00Oh, yes.

29:02For the moment.

29:05Well, can I help you, Mrs. Erskine-Brown?

29:08Not at all, no. I'm just going to borrow Diane's typewriter.

29:11I'll be going home, then.

29:15Mrs. Erskine-Brown,

29:17I, uh, said I was going home.

29:20Don't let me stop you.

29:22I'll be glad if you did, Mrs. Erskine-Brown.

29:24Good night, Henry.

29:26The wife having invited the chair of the Ways and Means over for a bite

29:29in order to get a good night's sleep.

29:32The Ways and Means over for a bite

29:34in order to discuss rubbish disposal in the borough and matters arising.

29:38It's not the sort of thing one hurries home to, Mrs. Erskine-Brown, quite honestly.

29:42I mean, going home's probably a different matter for you entirely.

29:47You'll be going home to Mr. Erskine-Brown and the kiddies and...

29:51Henry, are you trying to tell me you've got problems?

29:55Oh, yes.

29:58If you've got problems, you keep them to yourself.

30:00Much better. I've got problems up to here.

30:03I just can't manage another single person's problem.

30:06Is that clear?

30:08Well, if that's the way you feel, Mrs. Erskine-Brown.

30:23Dear Barrister,

30:25I am slim, intelligent and considered attractive.

30:29I am also bored with the humdrum of married life.

30:33I am absolutely crazy about the opera and country walks.

30:37I am rather busy at the moment,

30:39but suggest we meet a week next Thursday at a place convenient to you,

30:43the Temple Churchyard, at 6pm.

30:46Shall we both wear white carnations?

30:49I am looking forward eagerly to the ensuing fun and games.

30:53You're sincerely in a rut.

31:00Doctor!

31:02Dr. Remmert.

31:05Ah, the great Barrister at law.

31:08Looking extremely fit, if I may say so.

31:10Yes, I wanted to see you. There's a question I should have asked.

31:13Mr. Pinhorn's been trying to get in touch with you at the surgery.

31:17Alas, I'm seldom there these days.

31:19The patients don't seem too dead keen on seeing me.

31:22But shall we walk along? I have an appointment.

31:24Yes.

31:26It's about Dr. Cogger.

31:29Did you and he ever quarrel about anything?

31:34Look, if I'm going to defend you, you've got to trust me.

31:39Well, yes, sir, we did have a few words once about drugs.

31:44Drugs?

31:45Yes, he was always wanting us to prescribe new drugs.

31:48They were very expensive, most of them from March mares.

31:51They were always experimenting.

31:53So I said to him, look, my patients would be just as well off

31:56a few kind words and a couple of aspirin.

31:59And what was his reaction to that?

32:01Oh, poor old Tim got into a most terrible rage.

32:04He went as far as to say that he didn't want partners

32:07who were so pig ignorant on the subject of new drugs.

32:10I'm sure it was all said in the heat of the moment,

32:13and he didn't mean it exactly.

32:15Well, most reluctant to part with the great Barrister at law,

32:18but as I told you, I have an appointment.

32:20Oh, I'll come in with you. You can buy me a beer or something.

32:23It would be such a pleasure, but some other time, I'm afraid.

32:26This appointment is of rather private nature.

32:35Hello.

32:36Is Horace there? This is Dorothy speaking.

32:41This is a recorded message.

32:43I'm sorry we are not available,

32:45but if you leave your name and telephone number,

32:47we will contact you on our return from Tasmania.

32:51Beep!

32:53This is a distressing case

32:55of a doctor's violent and unprovoked sexual assault

32:58upon a young woman patient.

33:00Totally surrounded by quacks.

33:03Quacks who saved their patients' lives,

33:06or launched them into eternity with one slip of the scalpel.

33:11Old quacks who applied leeches as a cure for pneumonia.

33:15Quacks who thought sex made you blind.

33:18And quacks as judges,

33:22waiting to decide the professional life or death

33:25of the good Dr. Ghulam Rahmat.

33:30Oh, the quack in charge.

33:33Sir Hector McAuliffe.

33:36Sawbones by appointment to royalty.

33:38An old darling with the grim look of a man

33:40who starts the day with porridge and prayers.

33:44What on earth has poor old Rahmat got to look so cheerful about?

33:48It can't be the way our Portia is opening her case.

33:52Dr. Rahmat then put his hand between her legs,

33:55tried to kiss her,

33:56and suggested there was time for a quick one.

33:59Meaning sexual intercourse, Mrs. Erskine Brown?

34:02This is what we asked the committee to infer.

34:05Miss Liptrott screamed and had to struggle

34:07to free herself from the doctor's embraces.

34:10And when she pulled her clothes back on,

34:12she fled from the room.

34:14She was still screaming,

34:15the beast, the beast,

34:16in the reception area,

34:17where she was seen by the waiting patients

34:19and by Miss Danquist, the receptionist.

34:22After the incident,

34:23she suffered extreme bouts of nervous depression

34:26and was treated for that complaint by Dr. Cogger,

34:29a senior member of the same practice

34:30you might be calling as a witness.

34:32She puts the case most fairly.

34:34And old Tim Cogger will be fair to me also.

34:38Dr. Cogger is an extremely busy general practitioner.

34:41Of course, Mrs. Erskine Brown,

34:42Dr. Cogger is well known to most of us.

34:45Yes, he has to get away to his practice.

34:47I wonder if my learned friend has any objection

34:49to my calling him before Miss Liptrott.

34:51Oh, that suits us.

34:53If I can blast Cogger out of the water,

34:55we'll have an easier job at Marietta.

34:57No need for the barrister to blast anyone out of the water.

35:00He must not attack poor old Tim Cogger.

35:02Don't tell Remmert to put a sock in it, will you?

35:06I have absolutely no objection

35:07to my learned friend calling Dr. Cogger first.

35:10Absolutely not.

35:12Dr. Cogger, please.

35:21Is Dr. Remmert a good doctor, in your view?

35:24I've always found him so, within his limitations.

35:27So tell us, Dr. Cogger,

35:29if a young woman patient came to a competent doctor

35:32with a sore throat,

35:33can you think of any good clinical reason

35:36why he should ask her to lie down on a couch

35:38and remove her knickers?

35:40I'm afraid I can't.

35:42Thank you very much, Dr. Cogger.

35:47Dr. Cogger,

35:49you are no doubt familiar with infectious mononucleosis,

35:54otherwise known as glandular fever?

35:56Of course.

35:57Is it not so prevalent among young people

35:59that it is sometimes called the kissing disease?

36:03I think you may take it, Mr. Rumpel,

36:06that we all know what glandular fever is.

36:09I would have thought so, sir.

36:11That is why I can't understand anyone thinking

36:13Dr. Remmert's method of examination in any way peculiar.

36:17Is not a symptom of glandular fever a sore throat?

36:21It can be.

36:22In fact, it may be the patient's only complaint.

36:25That may happen.

36:26So that if you suspect glandular fever,

36:28you might look for other signs,

36:30such as swellings in the armpits and the groin.

36:33You might.

36:35A competent doctor would do so?

36:38If he suspected mononucleosis, yes.

36:41Yes.

36:42So that if a young lady complaining of a sore throat

36:45came to a competent doctor,

36:47he might well ask her to lie on the couch

36:50and remove her knickers so that he could examine her groin.

36:56It's possible.

36:58Dr. Cogger,

37:01are you here to assist the committee by telling us the truth?

37:05Yes, of course.

37:06Then why did you tell my learned friend, Mrs. Erskine Brown,

37:09that you know of no reason

37:12why Dr. Remmert

37:14should examine the young lady in the way described?

37:19I suppose the complaint you're suggesting

37:23didn't occur to me.

37:25I see.

37:26You mean that you are a competent doctor,

37:28like Dr. Remmert, within your limitations,

37:31and your limitations lead you to forget the odd disease occasionally.

37:35I hope, Mr. Rumpel, you're not suggesting

37:38that a routine examination by a competent doctor

37:41includes trying to kiss his patient

37:43and suggesting there might be time for a quick one.

37:47At this point, sir, I am suggesting nothing.

37:51Dr. Cogger,

37:53you said that you were treating Miss Lipptrott for nervous strain.

37:57What did you give her, a couple of aspirins?

37:59No, I prescribed Fobomorin, as far as I can remember.

38:02Ah, Fobomorin.

38:04Yes, that seems to be a favourite of yours.

38:07Is this an expensive drug?

38:09I believe it's fairly expensive.

38:11I haven't looked up the price lately.

38:13Ah.

38:14And is it supplied by the firm of manufacturing chemists

38:18whose representative buys you luncheon at the Savoy Hotel?

38:23Peter Calloway of March Mains is a personal friend.

38:26We lunch together occasionally.

38:28The last time you lunched together, who paid?

38:30I can't remember.

38:32Oh, well, do try to think.

38:34May have been Peter.

38:36And it may have been his company.

38:38March Mains, the manufacturing chemists.

38:41Mr. Rumpel, we are here to decide

38:44if your client sexually assaulted his patient.

38:47What on earth is Dr. Cogger's lunches at the Savoy Hotel?

38:51What has his lunches at the Savoy got to do with it?

38:54I quite agree, sir.

38:55These questions can't possibly be relevant.

38:58You said that Dr. Ramat had certain limitations.

39:02Did you mean that he was unwilling to prescribe certain drugs?

39:07We had some disagreements about drugs, yes.

39:09I thought his treatments often old-fashioned.

39:11He did not want to prescribe expensive drugs from March Mains.

39:15I suppose that some of the drugs

39:17that we disagreed about came from March Mains, yes.

39:20Tell me, did you only get four-star luncheons out of it,

39:24or did a little cash change hands occasionally?

39:28Perhaps I should warn the witness.

39:30Dr. Cogger, you are in no way obliged

39:34to answer any questions which might incriminate you.

39:37Do you follow?

39:38I do.

39:41I prefer not to answer the question.

39:43He seems to be doing things rough on himself.

39:46You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

39:52And seeing that Dr. Ramat refused to take part

39:56in your prescription racket,

39:59you wanted him out of the practice.

40:01It's very hard to get rid of a partner, as you know, Mr. Rumple.

40:05Yes, indeed, very hard.

40:06Unless, of course, you can have him found guilty

40:09of professional misconduct.

40:11Mr. Rumple, you're not suggesting that I went into Dr. Ramat's room

40:15and tempted him to seduce me, are you?

40:18Would you just take a look at that, please?

40:22Oh, what are you doing to the poor chap, sir?

40:26Wait and see.

40:28Does that not appear to be an advertisement for an escort service?

40:32It would seem so.

40:34And do you see the photograph of the young lady

40:36who calls herself Naughty Marietta?

40:39Yes, I do.

40:41Is not that Miss Marietta Liptrott, the complainant in this case?

40:47The young lady who you say you're treating for a nervous disorder?

40:51Really, there is no need for this, sir.

40:54It looks like her.

40:56It is her.

40:57The so-called children's nurse we hear so much about

41:02goes to restaurants for money, rather like you, Dr. Cogger.

41:06Just what are you suggesting?

41:08You know perfectly well, don't you?

41:10I am suggesting, sir, that you paid this young lady

41:13to create that scene in Dr. Ramat's consulting room.

41:16That is absolutely ridiculous.

41:18I didn't even know of the existence of Miss Liptrott

41:21until after the incident took place.

41:23Did you not?

41:25The incident we hear of took place on August the 13th of this year.

41:29Would you look at the front of that Casanova magazine?

41:32What is the date on it?

41:36July.

41:37July, yes.

41:38And we know where the magazine was found, don't we?

41:41And then he asked me to lie on the couch.

41:44Did that strike you as rather strange?

41:47Not really, not at the time.

41:49Did you lie on the couch?

41:51Oh, yeah, he said he just wanted to see if I had any swellings

41:54and would I mind him feeling, and I said no.

41:57Did he remove your knickers?

41:59No, I think I may have pulled them down.

42:03And then? What happened then?

42:06I'm not quite sure.

42:08I think he examined me light

42:10and then he went to wash his hands at the basin in the corner.

42:14What did you do?

42:17Oh!

42:20I ran screaming out the door.

42:23What made you do that?

42:25I don't know, really.

42:28Well, I had been up late with this gentleman

42:32who kept me talking all night about mortgage rates.

42:35I think I was overtired.

42:37My nerves were bad.

42:39I suppose I just lost control of myself.

42:45Miss Liptrot, you made a statement to the General Medical Council

42:49to the effect that Dr Ramat had made improper advances to you.

42:54I'd made such a fuss in the surgery and stuff,

42:57I thought I'd to give some reason for it.

43:01But, I mean, I was meant to tell the truth when I got here.

43:05What is the truth, Miss Liptrot?

43:08The truth is that Dr Ramat always behaved like a proper gentleman.

43:17We've won.

43:19Portia's going to throw in her hand.

43:21Sir, in view of the answers the witness has given,

43:23we do not feel it would be right to continue with the case against Dr Ramat.

43:29Mr Rumpel, during the course of your cross-examination,

43:34you made certain serious allegations against Dr Cogger.

43:37Withdrawn, sir, unreservedly.

43:39Oh, do shut up.

43:43Yes, very well. They're withdrawn.

43:46As far as we are concerned, Dr Cogger is as pure as a driven slush.

43:51What was that?

43:52Snow, sir. Driven snow, I said.

43:55Thank you, Mr Rumpel.

43:58And now, Miss Marietta Liptrot,

44:02the next time you're feeling overtired,

44:05please try and resist the temptation

44:07to make scandalous allegations against an innocent doctor.

44:10Yes.

44:12You have put a large number of distinguished medical men and lawyers

44:16to a great deal of unnecessary trouble.

44:20Girl, in her passage to India,

44:22the woman was supposedly raped by the Indian doctor.

44:25Who withdrew her whole story in court?

44:27You're right, old EMS. Always so prudent.

44:30Do you think Marietta read the book?

44:32Perhaps. Such a fine novel.

44:35So Cogger put her up to it?

44:38Oh, yes.

44:40He thought I had tumbled to why he wanted all of us

44:44to use the March main drugs, you see.

44:47He tried to get rid of me, so he hired Marietta.

44:51How do you know?

44:52She told me.

44:53You talked to her?

44:54Oh, yes.

44:55I've taken her out to dinner quite often.

44:58We go to the tandoori restaurant, Memories of India, in Gloucester Road.

45:02But I didn't think it was something you would wish to know,

45:05Great Barrister-at-Law.

45:06Why on earth not?

45:08Because, you see, I didn't want us to win the case

45:11by rubbishing poor old Tim Cogger.

45:14I want to keep my boundaries, you see,

45:17just as I want to get along well with all the chaps in the surgery,

45:20Dr. Tim included.

45:21So I thought the best way out

45:23was to persuade Miss Littrell to tell the truth,

45:26which is that nothing happened.

45:28But it seemed to me too simple a way to win

45:31and far too unsubtle for a brilliant barrister like himself.

45:37But at least, sir, you will agree

45:39that I managed, humbly,

45:41to make an omelette without the breaking of a single egg.

45:48Oh, charming.

45:49My dear old quack, what if you spread the infection?

45:53What if all my clients arranged their own acquittal?

45:56I'd be out of work and it'd be a disaster.

45:58Clients settling their own cases? It's not right, you know.

46:01I'm sorry, Mr. Rumple. I truly am very, very sorry.

46:05Well, what did you offer the young lady to persuade her to tell the truth?

46:09I offered her, sir, as you might put it,

46:12all my worldly goods.

46:14Oh, don't babble. What are you talking about?

46:16No, honestly, Mr. Rumple, I do not babble.

46:19Miss Marietta Littrell is as charming and honest as she is beautiful.

46:25And she has done me the honour of agreeing to be my wife.

46:29The ceremony will be at the mosque in Regent's Park

46:33to be followed by a reception

46:35at the Memories of India in the Gloucester Road.

46:37And you and your good lady are cordially invited,

46:40as indeed are you, Mr. Penhall.

46:42But not Dr. Cogger.

46:44But, oh, yes, Dr. Cogger.

46:46Because all the surgery will be there,

46:48and I'm hoping Tim Cogger will propose a toast to the happy couple.

46:53I'd certainly ask him.

46:55LAUGHTER

46:58Cheers!

47:00BELL RINGS

47:12BELL RINGS

47:14BIRDS CHIRP

47:39Nobody came.

47:41Except Lawrence Pupil, Mrs. Wiggins, whatever her name is.

47:44Mrs. Whitaker. Very nice lady.

47:46So the trap didn't work?

47:48She was wearing a white carnation.

47:50Perhaps she'd been to a wedding or something.

47:53Portia, you are a brilliant advocate.

47:55Your courtroom manner is irresistible.

47:57But you simply cannot skate lightly over the written evidence.

48:01Here, have another look at that.

48:03Read it aloud, if you please.

48:05Barrister...

48:07Stop. Barrister.

48:09Isn't there another letter after the word barrister?

48:12A small letter in brackets?

48:19Oh.

48:21Yes, it, um...

48:23Looks like an F.

48:25It is an F.

48:27F for female.

48:29You were so sure that you had Claude in the frame,

48:32you didn't even notice it.

48:34A lady barrister looking for adventure, sharing Claude's room.

48:37You found the magazine there.

48:39Oh, dear Portia, I'm afraid you disappointed Mrs. Whitaker dreadfully.

48:42Mrs. Whitaker?

48:44The evidence seems conclusive.

48:46Poor old Mr. Whitaker, eh?

48:49Obviously of the humdrum persuasion.

48:53We ought to take out a subscription to this magazine.

48:56We've earned a lot, haven't we?

48:58Out of only just one issue.

49:00Well, perhaps you can, Grandpa.

49:02I really must go and find Claude.

49:04Oh, no, he did seem pleased to see you.

49:07Of course he did. You owe him a lunch at the Savoy.

49:12Hello.

49:14Oh, God.

49:17Yes, Mrs. Etheridge, I'm listening.

49:23You mean you ran into something again?

49:26What?

49:28The cenotaph.

49:30I see.

49:34Ah, Ballard.

49:38I've got some good news for you at last.

49:40Really, Grandpa, what's that?

49:42I've got a client for you. Charming lady.

49:44She's in a bit of trouble with a motoring offence.

49:46Oh, it's rather serious, I'm afraid.

49:48I told her she'd better brief a reliable QC.

49:51Oh, yes, yes, of course.

49:53What's her name?

49:55It's a Mrs. Etheridge.

49:57Etheridge.

49:59I told her that you're a rather cuddly kind of barrister.

50:04Oh, and I do call her Bambi.

50:08Everybody does.

50:10PHONE RINGS

50:34PHONE RINGS

51:04PHONE RINGS

51:34PHONE RINGS

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